10 hours ago
WESTMINSTER SKETCH by QUENTIN LETTS: With his heavies, the ambassador proved adept at finger-stabbing
Seyed Ali Mousavi, Iranian ambassador to the Court of St James's, swept into the foreign affairs committee. MPs wanted to hear his country's side of its war with Israel.
Committee chairman Dame Emily Thornberry (Lab, Islington S) gushed her salaams.
Diplomacy is about persuading neutral onlookers with silken dialectic. His Excellency proved rather more adept at finger-stabbing. Was this excusable, given his country's plight? Or was it a glimpse of an authoritarian Iran that resents scrutiny and couldn't give a monkey's what its critics think?
The ambassador arrived with two heavies, all of them in the pale-blue, collarless shirts favoured by Reigate dentists.
One heavy sat directly behind Mr Mousavi, eyes sliding from side to side.
Dame Emily, whose dimples and ginny tone equip her well for the Ferrero Rocher embassy circuit, expressed 'our great sympathy' over civilian deaths.
It must be 'very stressful' being an Iranian right now.
Mr Mousavi addressed her as 'Madame Thorn-Berry'. His pronunciation evoked a Marches hedgerow plump with fruit and abundant barbs.
Schoolgirl error, Dame Emily invited him to unburden himself of an opening statement. It lasted 12 minutes and, like Radio Hilversum on a windy night, became increasingly hard to follow.
Israel was denounced for 'war crimes' and 'a serious violation of the UN charter'. The deeper he waded into this speech, the more his English accent disintegrated.
He spoke of Israel destroying Iran's state TV station during a news bulletin. You may have seen the footage. The presenter was not exactly a composed Charlotte Green. 'A direct attack on press freedom!' cried the ambassador, quite the champion of media plurality.
Dame Emily tried to hurry Mr Mousavi's philippic. 'I don't mean to be disrespectful,' she cooed. The ambo ignored her.
When he finally shut up, she suggested that Israel might feel threatened by Iranian clerics who spoke of 'wiping it from the map'. Mr Mousavi extracted a ballpoint pen from his jacket, clicked on it noisily, and wrote down something. Dame Emily's name, perhaps.
Other MPs were more aggressive. A Lib Dem, Edward Morello, scoffed at Mr Mousavi's claim that Iran did not supply arms to Hamas and other terror groups.
Mr Mousavi insisted these killers were merely 'impressed by the Iranian Islamic revolution'. He and Mr Morello – soon pink as a cherry – shouted over one another several times.
Confronted about Iranian training camps in the Lebanon, Mr Mousavi's gaze went lazy, shuttering with indifference. He was soon waving a photograph of dead citizens.
Dame Emily hoped he might put it away. Mr Morello shouted that props were forbidden. Dame Emily again: 'We are sympathetic.'
Blair McDougall (Lab, E Renfrewshire) wasn't. 'You used a prop, so I will, too,' he growled, and wondered what Mr Mousavi made of the 8,000 civilian-killing drones Iran has sold to Russia.
Mr McDougall, who would be useful in any scrum, gave no quarter. The ambassador was soon agape and enraged and panting 'Excuse me!' Mr McDougall: 'Your moral authority is shredded!' Dame Emily: 'Let's take a breath.'
The Tories' Sir John Whittingdale noted that, for all Mr Mousavi's stuff about press freedom, Iran menaced expat Persian journalists. Mr Mousavi smiled. 'This is irrelevant question!' he scoffed.
The goon behind Mr Mousavi passed him a slip of paper. The ambassador read it.
He then invited Sir John to pass him any evidence about this intimidation of critics of the Tehran regime. 'We will send our security services to resolve these matters.' How very thoughtful of him.
Not that our own 'regime' – to use a noun to which the ambassador took grievous exception – is without its idiotic grunts.
In the corridor outside before the hearing, reporters were troubled by an ill-shaven security guard – officer DO1 – who told off one innocent for 'rolling his eyes' when told he could not enter with his laptop computer.
'I'd ask you to have respect for the committee,' snapped this martinet. Possibly not a reader of parliamentary sketches.
The ayatollahs' Tehran might be just up his street.
