Latest news with #DanSavage
Boston Globe
2 days ago
- Climate
- Boston Globe
We're depressed about all the recent rain. So we asked a Seattle advice columnist what to do.
Rain is another thing. I've found that rain is hard for everyone, but especially for singles around Boston who want a summer of finding love. It feels like everyone is getting a very late start. This is why I sought advice from sex and relationships columnist We spoke via Zoom. Two advice columnists, Advertisement Q. It's rained so many Saturdays . I know you're used to it in Seattle. Am I wrong to think that people in New England let weather become part of their psychology? A. Certainly weather affects mood, and our moods affect our relationships. In a big city with terrible weather, there's this sense that you've endured the winter and you deserve the summer. But also summer — outside, when it's nice and beautiful — is when people have chance encounters, when people leave the house ... it is your opportunity, potentially on the days you have off, to have a rom-com style meeting where you're not interviewing potential first dates on Hinge, but just bumping into someone because you're moving around. ... If the weather is [bad] long enough, it can impede the forming of a new relationship. Advertisement savageconversation - Dan Savage. (Rachel Robinson) Rachel Robinson Q. Are we misunderstanding the potential of the rain here? Because I know that in movies, a lot of sexy things happen in the rain. A. Sexy things happen in the rain to already-established couples. People don't hang around outside in the rain in hopes of a chance encounter. Q. Does that mean things are doomed in Seattle? A. The secret about Seattle's rain is what you'd call drizzle. This is drizzle. ... But the gloom does get to people. It's June. It's cloudy. It's been cloudy for weeks. It hasn't really gotten above 70 more than once or twice, we call it June-uary . Like, psychologically, you feel like it should be June – you should be able to go out – and yet it's January weather into July. How do you get through it, Boston? You leave the house anyway, even though it's raining. ... If you go to Europe, even in [bad] weather, restaurants/outdoor seating are open, and people are sitting outside and enjoying, aesthetically, what it is about that weather, too. It is possible to leave the house and go places and do things. We just have it in our head as Americans that we can't. Q. I do think there is something exciting about [a nice day] after so many weekends of rain. Everybody wants to do all the things . Any advice you would give for people who finally get a nice Saturday? Advertisement A. Don't wait, which is the lesson of the weather in Seattle. It can be super nice, and if you do that thing, like, 'Oh, it's going to be a nice day,' and then you dink around the house until 1 o'clock before you leave, you may be walking out to a 20-degree temperature drop and rain, even though it was sunny and 70-something for most of the morning. So get out the door, especially if you're one of the people who's been sitting at home complaining. Get out the door as soon as you can, as early as you can. People write to me – they write to you – 'How do we meet people?' The apps are really frustrating. People feel like the apps are conning them into remaining perpetually single, and the advice is to go places, do things, run into people, and it doesn't have to be nice out to do that. But boy, when it's nice out, it's easier to do that. It facilitates doing that, and the people you might meet are going to be in a better and more receptive mood. So get out of the [expletive] house or your apartment. This interview has been edited and condensed. Meredith Goldstein has appeared on Dan Savage's to talk about relationship problems. She can be reached at You can write an anonymous relationship question to Love Letters at .
Yahoo
25-05-2025
- Entertainment
- Yahoo
You May Be In A 'Tolyamorous' Relationship Without Ever Having Discussed It
By now, you've likely heard of polyamory — the interest in or practice of engaging in more than one romantic relationship at a time with the consent of all parties — that has captured the cultural conversation of late. But you may not be familiar with the term 'tolyamory,' a different relationship structure that is prevalent but seldom spoken about. Tolyamory is a term coined by sex and relationship columnist and podcaster Dan Savage. It's a portmanteau, combining the words tolerate and polyamory, and refers to a relationship dynamic in which one or both partners puts up with — or tolerates — the other's outside sexual or romantic contact. Unlike polyamory and other forms of consensual non-monogamy, it's not something the couple has explicitly discussed and agreed to. Savage introduced the word in a January episode of his podcast 'Savage Lovecast:' '[It's] someone willing to turn a blind eye to a lap dance or a brief affair after years of marriage. They're able to focus on all the ways their spouse demonstrates their commitment and shows their love. And all of those other ways compensate or make the cheating that might be happening tolerable. These people aren't fools or dupes. They're not to be pitied — they know what they signed up for and long ago made peace with what they got. They're willing to put up with it — a certain amount of it — reconciled to it, willing to tolerate it. They are, in a word, tolyamorous.' Marie Thouin, a relationship researcher, coach and author of the forthcoming book 'What Is Compersion?' summed up tolyamory this way: 'Tolyamory is a relationship style where one or both members of a socially monogamous couple turn a blind eye to the sex their partner is having — or has had — with someone else, in order to maintain the relationship,' she told HuffPost via email. 'One or both of them are tolerating, or putting up with, their partner's non-monogamous behavior, but not openly endorsing it.' And though we don't have any solid data on the prevalence of tolyamorous relationships, Thouin said she believes they are likely 'very common.' 'Think of famous couples like Hillary and Bill Clinton, where infidelity was exposed — yet they remained together as a 'socially monogamous couple,' rather than either breaking up or going 'full poly' and openly embracing other partners,' she said. 'I would hypothesize that these kinds of situations happen commonly.' A fictional example of a tolyamorous couple would be Cameron and Daphne from the second season of 'White Lotus,' as Savage pointed out on his podcast. Polyamory educator Leanne Yau told HuffPost that tolyamory is 'probably, unfortunately, the most common form of non-monogamy.' Still, the experts HuffPost spoke to believe it could be a useful word to add to today's lexicon. 'It conveys many people's reality and brings attention to the prevalence of these dynamics,' said Thouin. It's also useful in that it differentiates this relationship dynamic from other similar ones, including poly under duress (known as PUD) and don't ask, don't tell (known as DADT). Unlike tolyamory, both PUD and DADT are 'openly negotiated forms of non-monogamy,' Thouin said. With poly under duress, one partner voices their desire to be polyamorous and the other partner goes along with it to preserve the relationship, albeit begrudgingly. 'PUD folks might be struggling with their partner's non-monogamous behavior, but they usually have entered this arrangement with informed consent and transparency,' Thouin said. 'Tolyamorous folks often have entered it retroactively through the discovery of infidelity, or an ultimatum — e.g. 'I will have sex with others whether you agree to it or not.' Additionally, PUD folks are not typically trying to maintain the appearance of monogamy.' Don't ask, don't tell is a 'somewhat explicitly discussed non-monogamous dynamic' where both partners know the other is having sexual or romantic relations with others, 'but they just don't ask each other questions about it,' said Yau, noting that the ethics of this arrangement are 'also tenuous.' Don't ask, don't tell is closer to tolyamory than poly under duress — and Thouin says she expects many people will use DADT and tolyamory interchangeably. 'In my understanding, however, DADT is more likely to be an egalitarian dynamic where both members of a couple are allowing one another to have sex outside the couple, as long as they keep it away from sight,' she said. 'I suspect that tolyamory shows up more often in one-sided dynamics where one person remains monogamous while the other is sexually active with others.' With PUD and DADT, partners are engaging in non-monogamy in 'kind of ambiguously or dubiously consensual ways,' Yau said, but there's at least usually conversation about the desire to be non-monogamous. 'But tolyamory is specifically when none of those conversations even happen and people just are pretending and are in denial that something is happening,' Yau said. There are many reasons people might find themselves in a tolyamorous dynamic — even if it's not their preferred relationship structure. For one, some cultures recognize that lifelong monogamy isn't realistic and believe extramarital sex is likely to occur, 'but it needs to be kept discreet in order for people to save face, and maintain the public appearance of monogamy,' Thouin said, citing stereotypes about the French as one example. 'Furthermore, societies where gender equality is less advanced tend to have dual standards when it comes to these expectations: Women are expected to tolerate their husbands' infidelity, while remaining monogamous,' she added. Socioeconomic status also plays a major role in tolyamory. If a woman is financially or socially dependent on her male partner, 'she will be more likely to 'tolerate' one-way infidelity, because the alternative — leaving and finding herself single — is worse,' Thouin said. 'However, in more socially progressive societies, women are quickly closing the 'infidelity gap' — which means that, ironically, everyone has a more equal chance at ending up in a tolyamorous dynamic.' Still, while non-monogamy has become more mainstream, it is still largely viewed as taboo in the U.S., a society that rewards monogamous coupledom and often stigmatizes singleness and non-monogamy. Yau said that some tolyamorous couples may be thinking to themselves: 'I don't want to create the impression that I'm promiscuous or that I'm going to spread STIs or that I'm destroying marriage and family or whatever, And so I'm going to pretend that we're actually monogamous and keep up appearances. And if my partner sees other people, I, at least, can preserve my innocence by pretending that it's not happening.' The existenceof tolyamory shows just how unwilling many people are to communicate openly in their relationships and how fearful they are of expressing their true desires to their partner, Yau said. And ending a relationship is often quite complicated — so it's no wonder many couples practice tolyamory rather than parting ways. 'People depend on one another for mutual care, financial security and emotional safety,' Thouin said. 'And even when power dynamics are on the healthy, egalitarian side, leaving relationships is often very costly — materially and personally.' 6 Signs A Non-Monogamous Relationship Might Be Right For You You Might Be Experiencing 'Compersion' In Your Relationship. Here's How To Know. I Was Unexpectedly Widowed at 29. Then I Found Out About My Husband's Affairs.
