Latest news with #DeenaMargolin
Yahoo
3 days ago
- General
- Yahoo
'After After Bedtime': The parenting experts behind Big Little Feelings are here to help
Deena Margolin and Kristin Gallant, the moms and toddler experts behind Big Little Feelings, will be sharing how to navigate modern parenting each week in the Yahoo column 'After After Bedtime.' (Yahoo News) For parents looking for answers as they try to navigate everything from potty training and sibling rivalry to the pressure to do everything perfectly, Big Little Feelings has been a lifesaver, offering practical advice while having 'ridiculously honest' conversations about the messiness of parenthood. It's an approach that has clearly resonated with many parents: Big Little Feelings, which also offers popular online parenting courses, boasts 3.5 million followers on Instagram. The moms and real-life best friends behind the parenting platform are Kristin Gallant, a parenting coach with a background in maternal and child education, and Deena Margolin, a child therapist specializing in interpersonal neurobiology. Together they blend their expertise with candor, humor and 'real talk' about what it's like raising kids. With their podcast, After Bedtime With Big Little Feelings, the duo dive into some big topics, like what happens to your marriage after kids and how to deal when your toddler's behavior triggers you. It's the real, messy, hilarious, sometimes hard parts of parenthood. And in After After Bedtime, a weekly companion column on Yahoo, they go even deeper, offering practical, expert-backed tips and real talk in their signature style: late-night group chat with your smartest, most supportive mom friends, the ones who keep it 100% real and remind you that you're doing way better than you think, vibes. Advertisement Keep scrolling to check out all of their articles, and be sure to come back every Wednesday for the latest post. Deena Margolin, one of the moms behind Big Little Feelings. For years, Margolin consulted doctor after doctor for help with chronic fatigue. Then as a 35-year-old pregnant mom to two toddler boys, she was diagnosed with autism. Bright lights, loud noises and restricting clothing — all of this was overwhelming her system, leading to meltdowns, shutdowns and burnout. 'Getting this diagnosis has helped me become more aware of what overstimulates me and what I need to avoid,' she wrote. Read on to find out how she's navigating neurodivergent parenting — from wearing sunglasses inside to wearing a uniform — and the lessons everyone can learn about self-acceptance.
Yahoo
28-05-2025
- Health
- Yahoo
At 35, I was diagnosed with autism. Here are the 7 ways it's changed how I parent.
The founders of the popular parenting platform Big Little Feelings — moms and real-life best friends Deena Margolin, a child therapist specializing in interpersonal neurobiology, and Kristin Gallant, a parenting coach with a background in maternal and child education — are known for having 'ridiculously honest' conversations. And now they're bringing their wisdom to Yahoo in a new column called , a companion to their podcast, After Bedtime With Big Little Feelings. In the first episode of their show, Margolin reveals that she was diagnosed with autism level 1 at age 35, calling it 'one of the most healing experiences in my whole life.' Here, Margolin shares the accommodations she uses to navigate parenting while on the spectrum without becoming overwhelmed or burned out — and the lessons all parents can learn from putting their needs first. Before having kids, my life was extremely structured. I'd have the same breakfast every single day, take a 30-minute beach walk and meditate, prioritizing wellness and sticking to a checklist. I put routines in place to stave off burnout, meltdowns, shutdowns and fight extreme fatigue. But then I had kids and it all crumbled. For years, I consulted doctor after doctor for help and their responses would always be like, 'You're so young, you're so healthy, you work out, you shouldn't be so tired.' So why does my body hurt? Why am I having such a hard time just existing? And then just recently, as a 35-year-old pregnant mom to two toddler boys, I was diagnosed with autism. Bright lights, loud noises and restricting clothing — all of this was overwhelming my system. Getting this diagnosis has helped me become more aware of what overstimulates me and what I need to avoid. My nervous system burns out being around crowds and lots of background noise, so I've found ways to adjust. For example, we go to fun kid places — like pumpkin patches, children's museums, play gyms, the zoo, etc. — right when they open or at times I know are low-traffic. That way, the environment works better for me. I can stay more present, less overwhelmed and genuinely have more fun with my kids. Then we leave once it starts to get crowded or overwhelming. I'm still learning, but here are some other ways I'm navigating neurodivergent parenting. I set boundaries unapologetically around social interactions. My husband takes our kids to most birthday parties, as I know that will burn my nervous system out completely due to noise and constant small talk. I schedule playdates only at specific days, times and locations that I know will work better for my needs. I will also reschedule if I'm completely out of energy, and am so grateful to have mom friends (I really only have Kristin and two other mom friends!) who completely understand and aren't offended — just like I'm not offended if they need to reschedule because they don't have the energy. I'm actually honored that they feel so safe and comfortable with me to be honest and say, 'Hey, today I just don't have it in me; let's find another day soon.' I build in downtime to reset. While I absolutely love going on adventures with my kids, I build in time right after to reset. Sometimes that's by having a plan for my husband to take over at a certain time. Sometimes it's using my boys' downtime to nap. Other times we'll just snuggle up on the couch and watch a little TV together; I love those moments with them. I don't expect my house to be perfect. I've always had trouble putting dirty clothes in a hamper, folding laundry and putting clean laundry back on shelves. I know no one likes doing these tasks, but to me they feel painful and nearly impossible. A few systems that work for me are: (A) putting all our dirty clothes directly into the washing machine each day, (B) having my husband be in charge of folding and putting clean clothes in drawers (this task doesn't feel like torture to him!) and (C) 'body doubling' with my kids or husband, which means having another person there with you to clean the floors, load the dishes, deal with laundry and vacuum. Having an accountability partner can make it feel easier than trying to do it alone when you have difficulties with executive functioning. I carve out time for special interests. My special interests are farm animals, watching Formula 1 racing, researching well-being and child development, and working out. I now prioritize these more and intentionally carve out times to get into these activities. Doing these things makes me feel whole and alive and inspired and prevents autistic burnout. For a neurotypical person, doing less often fills their cup. But for a neurodivergent person, sometimes doing more — and doing their special interests specifically — is what fills their cup! I wear sunglasses inside. I struggle when there are big overhead lights and fluorescent lights, like the ones used in supermarkets, malls and department stores. So now I wear sunglasses to keep my nervous system more regulated and prevent burnout. It makes such a difference for my energy and bandwidth. Sometimes people make comments about it, but I am learning to be OK with that and put my needs ahead of the discomfort of it seeming 'odd' by social standards. I wear earplugs. I wear Loop Earplugs on outings, like at a sports event, a kids' play space, during loud car moments or times at home when my kids are crying or excited and being loud. I pop them in and I can still hear; they just dampen the volume level, which feels like a warm, cozy hug for my nervous system. I can help my kids through their big feelings better when I stay regulated. I can join in on their excitement more when I don't feel completely overwhelmed by the volume level. I wear a uniform. I wear the same few clothes that are comfortable, usually all black, really soft with no tags or seams, and it helps me stay regulated. I love my uniform and just rock it now without any shame! There was a lot of yelling in my childhood home. This is not a pattern I want to repeat with my own kids. All parents have hard moments, hit their breaking point, yell and lose their s*** sometimes — that's just part of being human, and in those moments we pause, reset and then repair with our kids. My goal is for yelling not to be a go-to punishment, discipline strategy or daily occurrence. I'm learning to have more self-awareness around my sensory sensitivities and when overwhelmed, taking a moment to pause and name what I'm feeling. In practice, that conversation may be like: 'Hey boys, my body is getting overloaded with the noise and this type of play, so I'm putting my earplugs in and am taking a moment to reset. I'll be right over here if you need me.' It's usually not said in a super calm, angelic way — it's real, I sound a little tense because I'm starting to feel a little tense and overwhelmed. But learning to embrace my sensitivities and work with them, rather than try to just white-knuckle through it, helps me yell less, and I am grateful for this journey. I think the core lesson is total self-acceptance and a reframe on healing. What if healing isn't about fixing yourself? What if the wound was never that you were broken, but that you were made to believe you had to become someone else to be loved? We're sold the idea that healing means grinding through a never-ending self-improvement checklist: Do more; feel less; be better. But what if the most radical healing isn't becoming someone new, it's remembering who you were before the world told you to shrink? Maybe healing looks like ... listening to the overwhelm instead of trying to just power through. Embracing the parts that are different, that feel most at peace when not following certain social norms and letting that just be OK. Creating a life that fits your nervous system, not one that pleases everyone else. This isn't about becoming your highest self, it's about finally coming home to yourself. Just maybe, that's the real revolution: not becoming more, but finally believing you were always enough.
Yahoo
28-05-2025
- Health
- Yahoo
At 35, I was diagnosed with autism. Here are the 7 ways it's changed how I parent.
The founders of the popular parenting platform Big Little Feelings — moms and real-life best friends Deena Margolin, a child therapist specializing in interpersonal neurobiology, and Kristin Gallant, a parenting coach with a background in maternal and child education — are known for having 'ridiculously honest' conversations. And now they're bringing their wisdom to Yahoo in a new column called , a companion to their podcast, After Bedtime With Big Little Feelings. In the first episode of their show, Margolin reveals that she was diagnosed with autism level 1 at age 35, calling it 'one of the most healing experiences in my whole life.' Here, Margolin shares the accommodations she uses to navigate parenting while on the spectrum without becoming overwhelmed or burned out — and the lessons all parents can learn from putting their needs first. Before having kids, my life was extremely structured. I'd have the same breakfast every single day, take a 30-minute beach walk and meditate, prioritizing wellness and sticking to a checklist. I put routines in place to stave off burnout, meltdowns, shutdowns and fight extreme fatigue. But then I had kids and it all crumbled. For years, I consulted doctor after doctor for help and their responses would always be like, 'You're so young, you're so healthy, you work out, you shouldn't be so tired.' So why does my body hurt? Why am I having such a hard time just existing? And then just recently, as a 35-year-old pregnant mom to two toddler boys, I was diagnosed with autism. Bright lights, loud noises and restricting clothing — all of this was overwhelming my system. Getting this diagnosis has helped me become more aware of what overstimulates me and what I need to avoid. My nervous system burns out being around crowds and lots of background noise, so I've found ways to adjust. For example, we go to fun kid places — like pumpkin patches, children's museums, play gyms, the zoo, etc. — right when they open or at times I know are low-traffic. That way, the environment works better for me. I can stay more present, less overwhelmed and genuinely have more fun with my kids. Then we leave once it starts to get crowded or overwhelming. I'm still learning, but here are some other ways I'm navigating neurodivergent parenting. I set boundaries unapologetically around social interactions. My husband takes our kids to most birthday parties, as I know that will burn my nervous system out completely due to noise and constant small talk. I schedule playdates only at specific days, times and locations that I know will work better for my needs. I will also reschedule if I'm completely out of energy, and am so grateful to have mom friends (I really only have Kristin and two other mom friends!) who completely understand and aren't offended — just like I'm not offended if they need to reschedule because they don't have the energy. I'm actually honored that they feel so safe and comfortable with me to be honest and say, 'Hey, today I just don't have it in me; let's find another day soon.' I build in downtime to reset. While I absolutely love going on adventures with my kids, I build in time right after to reset. Sometimes that's by having a plan for my husband to take over at a certain time. Sometimes it's using my boys' downtime to nap. Other times we'll just snuggle up on the couch and watch a little TV together; I love those moments with them. I don't expect my house to be perfect. I've always had trouble putting dirty clothes in a hamper, folding laundry and putting clean laundry back on shelves. I know no one likes doing these tasks, but to me they feel painful and nearly impossible. A few systems that work for me are: (A) putting all our dirty clothes directly into the washing machine each day, (B) having my husband be in charge of folding and putting clean clothes in drawers (this task doesn't feel like torture to him!) and (C) 'body doubling' with my kids or husband, which means having another person there with you to clean the floors, load the dishes, deal with laundry and vacuum. Having an accountability partner can make it feel easier than trying to do it alone when you have difficulties with executive functioning. I carve out time for special interests. My special interests are farm animals, watching Formula 1 racing, researching well-being and child development, and working out. I now prioritize these more and intentionally carve out times to get into these activities. Doing these things makes me feel whole and alive and inspired and prevents autistic burnout. For a neurotypical person, doing less often fills their cup. But for a neurodivergent person, sometimes doing more — and doing their special interests specifically — is what fills their cup! I wear sunglasses inside. I struggle when there are big overhead lights and fluorescent lights, like the ones used in supermarkets, malls and department stores. So now I wear sunglasses to keep my nervous system more regulated and prevent burnout. It makes such a difference for my energy and bandwidth. Sometimes people make comments about it, but I am learning to be OK with that and put my needs ahead of the discomfort of it seeming 'odd' by social standards. I wear earplugs. I wear Loop Earplugs on outings, like at a sports event, a kids' play space, during loud car moments or times at home when my kids are crying or excited and being loud. I pop them in and I can still hear; they just dampen the volume level, which feels like a warm, cozy hug for my nervous system. I can help my kids through their big feelings better when I stay regulated. I can join in on their excitement more when I don't feel completely overwhelmed by the volume level. I wear a uniform. I wear the same few clothes that are comfortable, usually all black, really soft with no tags or seams, and it helps me stay regulated. I love my uniform and just rock it now without any shame! There was a lot of yelling in my childhood home. This is not a pattern I want to repeat with my own kids. All parents have hard moments, hit their breaking point, yell and lose their s*** sometimes — that's just part of being human, and in those moments we pause, reset and then repair with our kids. My goal is for yelling not to be a go-to punishment, discipline strategy or daily occurrence. I'm learning to have more self-awareness around my sensory sensitivities and when overwhelmed, taking a moment to pause and name what I'm feeling. In practice, that conversation may be like: 'Hey boys, my body is getting overloaded with the noise and this type of play, so I'm putting my earplugs in and am taking a moment to reset. I'll be right over here if you need me.' It's usually not said in a super calm, angelic way — it's real, I sound a little tense because I'm starting to feel a little tense and overwhelmed. But learning to embrace my sensitivities and work with them, rather than try to just white-knuckle through it, helps me yell less, and I am grateful for this journey. I think the core lesson is total self-acceptance and a reframe on healing. What if healing isn't about fixing yourself? What if the wound was never that you were broken, but that you were made to believe you had to become someone else to be loved? We're sold the idea that healing means grinding through a never-ending self-improvement checklist: Do more; feel less; be better. But what if the most radical healing isn't becoming someone new, it's remembering who you were before the world told you to shrink? Maybe healing looks like ... listening to the overwhelm instead of trying to just power through. Embracing the parts that are different, that feel most at peace when not following certain social norms and letting that just be OK. Creating a life that fits your nervous system, not one that pleases everyone else. This isn't about becoming your highest self, it's about finally coming home to yourself. Just maybe, that's the real revolution: not becoming more, but finally believing you were always enough.
Yahoo
20-05-2025
- Entertainment
- Yahoo
Parents want to know they're doing a good job. Can TikTok's 'toxic parenting' challenge help?
The high-achieving millennials waiting by the mailboxes for their report cards in the '90s are now parents … and they still want an A, it appears. A viral TikTok trend is gaining momentum with one common theme: testing your parenting skills to see how your lessons, lectures and the values you've instilled in your kid have 'worked.' In some of the videos, parents test their kids to see how they respond to "toxic" parenting phrases like 'kids should be seen and not heard." In one TikTok shared by Sunkissed Mama, for example, the mother starts with a prompt ("I brought you into this world ...") and asks her tween daughter to finish the sentence. "To be your bestie?" the girl answers, much to her mom's delight. The children's innocent responses and unfamiliarity with these old-school statements suggest that, as Parents puts it, they're "growing up with increasingly patient and understanding parents — or at least with parents who are more invested in learning how to parent without toxic parenting phrases." A few years ago, it was the "candy challenge" making the social media rounds. Parents put out a temptation, such as a bowl of candy, leave the room and tell their child to wait until they come back to eat the treat. While not all kids are able to resist the temptation, the challenge saw many moms marveling at how patient their little ones were. You might also recall the 'cuddle your kid challenge' (aka the "lap test"), which shows what happens when parents lay their head on their child's lap. For the most part, kids responded with an embrace in a wholesome display of parent-child connection. Big Little Feelings founders (and Yahoo Life parenting ambassadors) Deena Margolin and Kristin Gallant see the intention behind these videos as positive, demonstrating a shifting narrative in what the younger generations of parents care about. 'These trends are striking such an emotional chord because they reveal something really beautiful: We're actively rewriting the script of how we parent,' the duo shared in an email. 'When kids finish those phrases with kindness or humor — or when toddlers calmly wait for a cookie — it's more than cute, it's healing. It shows the generational cycle is breaking, and it's a powerful reminder that the kids are going to be OK. Actually, we're all doing better than we think.' "As a therapist, I get why these are so appealing,' adds Erin Pash, a family therapist and the CEO of Pash Co. 'They're entertaining, they validate your parenting choices and let's be honest: Who doesn't love seeing their parenting 'wins' get some likes and comments? These trends tap into our natural desire to know we're doing something right, especially in the often-uncertain journey of raising tiny humans.' But why do modern-day parents feel the need to prove they're good enough? And can these challenges really tell parents if they're doing this parenting thing the right way? Here's what experts say. The pressure is on for today's parents. You're competing with other families for the best schools, camps and more. Your kids' toys should be carefully curated and made out of natural materials, not plastic. You can't just send your kid to school with a sandwich in the era of nutritious, colorful, Instagram-worthy lunch boxes. It's little wonder that they want to see if they measure up ... and then share the results on social media. 'We are living in a time of highly performative and competitive parenting, so it doesn't surprise me that these challenges are trending," Melinda Wenner Moyer, a science and parenting journalist and author of the soon-to-be-released book Hello, Cruel World!, tells Yahoo Life. "Research suggests that intensive parenting — the notion that we should pour as many resources as we can into our kids' development — is now the norm among all social classes." Wenner Moyer adds: "Rising economic inequality makes it feel as if raising kids is a zero-sum game. Parents worry that if they don't raise kids the 'right' way, and parent 'better' than everyone else, their kids won't have a chance.' Even though it can feel like a competitive space, within that, parenting itself can feel "solitary in nature," psychiatrist Michelle Dees tells Yahoo Life. That loneliness can send parents to find community (or commiseration) on social media. "TikTok affords parents with the much-needed connection to others and the opportunity to reflect on their parenting approaches that are shaped by an intensely digital world," Dees says. That can include participating in viral parenting challenges, though Dees notes that there is a "social performance" at play here. In these videos, the parents are "transforming intimacy" — a moment between themselves and their child — "into social spectacle.' For some, it's less about the kids' answers and more about joining the conversation and showing their (often validating) results to others. Oksana Hagerty, an educational and developmental psychologist and dean of the Center for Student Success at Beacon College, raises another concern: While these challenges can offer "insight and humor," she's wary of including footage of kids on social media and reminds parents that these posts are 'essentially permanent.' While Pash sees the appeal of these challenges, she's also worked with upset clients who have tried these trends. 'I've consoled parents who felt like failures when their toddler immediately grabbed the candy while other kids waited patiently, not realizing that impulse control develops differently in every child,' she says. Parents who have a heartwarming moment with their kids as a result of these challenges will understandably want to pat themselves on the back. But kids are kids — and there shouldn't be any shame attached to a toddler, say, immediately wolfing down some jelly beans, not leaning into a cuddle or not delivering a cutesy answer to a fill-in-the-blank challenge, adds Wenner Moyer. She recommends taking these trends with a grain of salt. 'These videos suggest that if your kids happen to know certain parenting phrases, you're a bad parent," she says. "That's just silly — there are many reasons kids might know these popular phrases that have nothing to do with how they have been parented." Wenner Moyer adds that the idea that you have "failed" as a parent if your child is unable to resist eating candy is also simply illogical. She points to similar videos modeled after the 'marshmallow test' in the 1960s, which tried to connect a child's self-control as a preschooler to their success years later. 'But recent research has called the validity of those findings into question," she says. "And a TikTok video is not a controlled experiment capable of predicting a child's future." Ultimately, Wenner Moyer wants parents to face less pressure, not more. 'I worry that these trends will exacerbate our epidemic of parental anxiety and fear, and make us feel even more competitive with other parents," she says. "But parenting isn't a zero-sum game. We shouldn't be pitting ourselves and our kids against each other; we should be talking to each other, crowdsourcing and normalizing parental imperfection.' Parenting is tough, so it makes sense to want to know how you are doing. 'I'd encourage you to get curious about what you're really seeking," Pash says. "Validation? Reassurance? Connection? These are all valid needs, but there are more meaningful ways to gauge your parenting impact." Here's what she recommends: Watch your child, not social media: 'Watch for how your child regulates emotions, how they treat others and how they communicate their needs." Check in with yourself about your relationship: 'Can your child be authentic with you? Do they come to you when they're hurt or scared? Trust the relationship you're building over any viral challenge results." Presence over perfection: 'Remember, good parenting isn't perfect parenting — it's being present, responsive and willing to repair when you make mistakes. These everyday moments matter far more than how your child performs in a TikTok test."
Yahoo
20-05-2025
- Entertainment
- Yahoo
Parents want to know they're doing a good job. Can TikTok's 'toxic parenting' challenge help?
The high-achieving millennials waiting by the mailboxes for their report cards in the '90s are now parents … and they still want an A, it appears. A viral TikTok trend is gaining momentum with one common theme: testing your parenting skills to see how your lessons, lectures and the values you've instilled in your kid have 'worked.' In some of the videos, parents test their kids to see how they respond to "toxic" parenting phrases like 'kids should be seen and not heard." In one TikTok shared by Sunkissed Mama, for example, the mother starts with a prompt ("I brought you into this world ...") and asks her tween daughter to finish the sentence. "To be your bestie?" the girl answers, much to her mom's delight. The children's innocent responses and unfamiliarity with these old-school statements suggest that, as Parents puts it, they're "growing up with increasingly patient and understanding parents — or at least with parents who are more invested in learning how to parent without toxic parenting phrases." A few years ago, it was the "candy challenge" making the social media rounds. Parents put out a temptation, such as a bowl of candy, leave the room and tell their child to wait until they come back to eat the treat. While not all kids are able to resist the temptation, the challenge saw many moms marveling at how patient their little ones were. You might also recall the 'cuddle your kid challenge' (aka the "lap test"), which shows what happens when parents lay their head on their child's lap. For the most part, kids responded with an embrace in a wholesome display of parent-child connection. Big Little Feelings founders (and Yahoo Life parenting ambassadors) Deena Margolin and Kristin Gallant see the intention behind these videos as positive, demonstrating a shifting narrative in what the younger generations of parents care about. 'These trends are striking such an emotional chord because they reveal something really beautiful: We're actively rewriting the script of how we parent,' the duo shared in an email. 'When kids finish those phrases with kindness or humor — or when toddlers calmly wait for a cookie — it's more than cute, it's healing. It shows the generational cycle is breaking, and it's a powerful reminder that the kids are going to be OK. Actually, we're all doing better than we think.' "As a therapist, I get why these are so appealing,' adds Erin Pash, a family therapist and the CEO of Pash Co. 'They're entertaining, they validate your parenting choices and let's be honest: Who doesn't love seeing their parenting 'wins' get some likes and comments? These trends tap into our natural desire to know we're doing something right, especially in the often-uncertain journey of raising tiny humans.' But why do modern-day parents feel the need to prove they're good enough? And can these challenges really tell parents if they're doing this parenting thing the right way? Here's what experts say. The pressure is on for today's parents. You're competing with other families for the best schools, camps and more. Your kids' toys should be carefully curated and made out of natural materials, not plastic. You can't just send your kid to school with a sandwich in the era of nutritious, colorful, Instagram-worthy lunch boxes. It's little wonder that they want to see if they measure up ... and then share the results on social media. 'We are living in a time of highly performative and competitive parenting, so it doesn't surprise me that these challenges are trending," Melinda Wenner Moyer, a science and parenting journalist and author of the soon-to-be-released book Hello, Cruel World!, tells Yahoo Life. "Research suggests that intensive parenting — the notion that we should pour as many resources as we can into our kids' development — is now the norm among all social classes." Wenner Moyer adds: "Rising economic inequality makes it feel as if raising kids is a zero-sum game. Parents worry that if they don't raise kids the 'right' way, and parent 'better' than everyone else, their kids won't have a chance.' Even though it can feel like a competitive space, within that, parenting itself can feel "solitary in nature," psychiatrist Michelle Dees tells Yahoo Life. That loneliness can send parents to find community (or commiseration) on social media. "TikTok affords parents with the much-needed connection to others and the opportunity to reflect on their parenting approaches that are shaped by an intensely digital world," Dees says. That can include participating in viral parenting challenges, though Dees notes that there is a "social performance" at play here. In these videos, the parents are "transforming intimacy" — a moment between themselves and their child — "into social spectacle.' For some, it's less about the kids' answers and more about joining the conversation and showing their (often validating) results to others. Oksana Hagerty, an educational and developmental psychologist and dean of the Center for Student Success at Beacon College, raises another concern: While these challenges can offer "insight and humor," she's wary of including footage of kids on social media and reminds parents that these posts are 'essentially permanent.' While Pash sees the appeal of these challenges, she's also worked with upset clients who have tried these trends. 'I've consoled parents who felt like failures when their toddler immediately grabbed the candy while other kids waited patiently, not realizing that impulse control develops differently in every child,' she says. Parents who have a heartwarming moment with their kids as a result of these challenges will understandably want to pat themselves on the back. But kids are kids — and there shouldn't be any shame attached to a toddler, say, immediately wolfing down some jelly beans, not leaning into a cuddle or not delivering a cutesy answer to a fill-in-the-blank challenge, adds Wenner Moyer. She recommends taking these trends with a grain of salt. 'These videos suggest that if your kids happen to know certain parenting phrases, you're a bad parent," she says. "That's just silly — there are many reasons kids might know these popular phrases that have nothing to do with how they have been parented." Wenner Moyer adds that the idea that you have "failed" as a parent if your child is unable to resist eating candy is also simply illogical. She points to similar videos modeled after the 'marshmallow test' in the 1960s, which tried to connect a child's self-control as a preschooler to their success years later. 'But recent research has called the validity of those findings into question," she says. "And a TikTok video is not a controlled experiment capable of predicting a child's future." Ultimately, Wenner Moyer wants parents to face less pressure, not more. 'I worry that these trends will exacerbate our epidemic of parental anxiety and fear, and make us feel even more competitive with other parents," she says. "But parenting isn't a zero-sum game. We shouldn't be pitting ourselves and our kids against each other; we should be talking to each other, crowdsourcing and normalizing parental imperfection.' Parenting is tough, so it makes sense to want to know how you are doing. 'I'd encourage you to get curious about what you're really seeking," Pash says. "Validation? Reassurance? Connection? These are all valid needs, but there are more meaningful ways to gauge your parenting impact." Here's what she recommends: Watch your child, not social media: 'Watch for how your child regulates emotions, how they treat others and how they communicate their needs." Check in with yourself about your relationship: 'Can your child be authentic with you? Do they come to you when they're hurt or scared? Trust the relationship you're building over any viral challenge results." Presence over perfection: 'Remember, good parenting isn't perfect parenting — it's being present, responsive and willing to repair when you make mistakes. These everyday moments matter far more than how your child performs in a TikTok test."
