03-04-2025
Support dogs in the dock confirm what babies we've all become
Anyone else out there too scared to turn on the telly come teatime? Make yourself known, friend.
Have you swapped the Today programme for Smooth FM, because Bonnie Tyler belting out Total Eclipse of the Heart reminds you of getting a 3am cab to the airport rather than imminent armageddon? Welcome. Come, share a safe space.
And if you, too, react to the News at Ten music as though it were the terrifying opening credits of Doctor Who circa 1975, all plucked string baseline and swoopy oscillating menace, rest assured, there are a great many of us back here.
No, not there, here. Here! Look! COO-EEE! Hiding behind the cushions on this great big existential DFS (Devastating Finale Sanctuary) sofa.
So. Across the pond, the Beverly Hillbillies have rolled into Doge City and are parking their very own brand of bipolar politics on the free world's lawns. The international markets are at the volatile mercy of Trump's fiscal whims.
Barely a day goes by without some horrendous natural disaster or callous act of obscene warmongery. And what are we doing here in Great (stop with the eye-rolling, kids) Britain? I'll tell you what we are doing, we are apparently bringing so many emotional support animals into our courtrooms that our creaking justice system has called a halt to the menagerie.
Wait, what? Am I saying that even our (alleged) criminal classes are such big babies they can't make it into the dock without clutching a living plushie? Yes, yes I am.
So much so, folks, that judiciary officials have taken valuable time out from despairing about the crumbling estate, the soon-to-reach 100,000-long backlog of unheard trials in England and Wales, the justice delayed and the justice withheld, in order to deliver guidance on dealing with the issue of disruptive and incontinent animals. (Insert tasteless joke about messy jailbirds here, if you must.)
It seems a surge in defendants and witnesses seeking to bring along pets to help them cope with stress has led to 'untrained' animals jumping at or even attacking witnesses – including people who are scared of dogs or have allergies. Or, presumably, just want their day in court without being mauled by a mastiff. Is that too much to ask? Clearly it is in Spineless UK PLC. It's hard to understand where this ridiculousness comes from (the US, obviously, but more of that shortly), but thanks be to Dog, its days are numbered.
Last year, at Grimsby Crown Court, defendant Vincent Harvey brought his nine-week-old Staffordshire terrier with him when he was sentenced to eight months in prison for dangerous driving. Cute? Not when the creature both urinated and defecated on the floor of the court's foyer after Harvey was sentenced.
In 2017, Aidan Wiltshire, a transgender pensioner, was allowed to bring his pet cat to his trial at Chelmsford Crown Court to 'help calm his nerves'. Wiltshire, who had been living as a woman and calling himself 'Anne' at the time, relentlessly stalked two women; a city lawyer and a church minister.
As he imposed the 18-month supervision order, Judge David Turner QC condemned Wiltshire's oppressive behaviour towards the two women: 'It affected their lives practically and professionally. It intruded into their privacy, it left them feeling besieged, controlled, manipulated, overwhelmed, at risk, hounded and anxious.'
It strikes me that criminal justice was also being controlled and manipulated when Wiltshire refused to appear without his cat. But he was only taking advantage of the unhinged precedent set in 2016 by Judge Lynn Roberts, a family judge for Essex and Suffolk, who permitted dogs into Chelmsford County Court in what was a UK first.
Apparently, the judge said she would have 'loved' to also allow donkeys into court but stopped short because of their size. The scheme there came to an end in 2019 when a new judge ruled against it – but it's self-evidently caught on elsewhere.
As ever, ignorance rules; unlike guide and assistance dogs, emotional support animals do not share the same legal status. Taxis and shops aren't obliged to give them access. Landlords can refuse them – but medical magazine Pulse recently carried an article revealing that so many patients now ask their GPs for 'supporting letters' to justify their 'need' for such animals, family doctors have now been advised to charge a fee – or just refuse to write them.
Back in the Halls of Justice, I can grasp why a vulnerable witness might benefit from the comfort a much-loved pet would bring, but even then, it's a hard sell. Why can't they keep it in the waiting room? Tied to the railings outside? In a horse box?
Rumour has it that furry AI robots are being programmed to offer the same service, without the unpredictable bowel movements, which sounds just the ticket.
Speaking of tickets, the whole concept of emotional support animals has been imported from America. There's a chap on TikTok who credits his emotional support 'cuddly' alligator with relieving his depression. And when Demi Moore lost out on the Oscars, comfort came in the form of ' emotional support Pilaf ' which turned out to be chihuahua, not dinner.
But the tide has started to turn. As of 2020, America's Department of Transportation decreed that US airlines would no longer be required to transport emotional support animals after passengers insisted on bringing on board horses, pigs, peacocks and turkeys for psychological reasons.
Only dogs qualify as service animals, although I'm not sure how many of us would be happy with a 8st cane corso occupying the middle seat. Or watching a defendant play with his puppy as he's sent down for a criminal offence.
We are living through tough times as the Trumpian Tariff Tumult
