13-05-2025
I put my children in an ‘extreme' German kids' club
Linn, another parent observing from the back of the 'edutainment workshop' at Schloss Elmau, leaned forward. 'Amazing how quietly they sit,' she whispered with a Scandinavian lilt. 'Such little kids. It's the atmosphere, isn't it? The room.'
The room, smelling faintly of teak oil and featuring bookshelves up to the ceiling, reminded me strongly of higher education. Dappled sunlight filtered through the tall windows. At the front, cheery Ulrike Sauerhöfer began the introductory PowerPoint for the week-long Manga Workshop. Amid the 12 children aged between six and 10 were my own two: attentive Ada (eight) and Rafe (six), already sliding off his chair.
Perched on a leather sofa worn by decades of fidgeting parents caught between love and onrushing spa appointments, I evaluated the impulse – surely sadistic – that had led me to book my children into a university seminar for their spring holidays.
They had only themselves to blame, I reasoned. As they'd grown older, they'd become less compelled by the soft play/abstract expressionism/forest school themes of kids clubs gone by. Any good parent would have done as I had: bundled them off to a 'luxury spa and cultural hideaway' in the Bavarian Alps that offered IT and philosophy workshops for children (while mostly just talking up the infinity pools).
'For our clientele, it is normal life,' laughed Dietmar Mueller-Elmau, the hotel's tall, silver-haired owner, when I asked him whether Schloss Elmau's workshops for those aged six and up were at all 'extreme'.
Normal life? If you're considering a career change at 40, maybe. But then again this is Germany – maybe this really is the norm?
'No, it is not normal,' Stephanie, clad in the same navy-blue insulated Moncler coat as her two children, assures me in a clipped German accent. 'The workshops are a higher level than anywhere we've been to.'
A little light is shed after exploring the hotel's history. Schloss Elmau was founded in the early 20th century by Mueller-Elmaur's philosopher grandfather as a kind of spiritual wellness retreat in a secluded Alpine valley, with added dancing and dogma.
Today, Mueller-Elmau has dropped the dogma and turbo-charged the music programme. Guests enjoy (or encourage their reluctant six-year-olds to enjoy) more than 200 concerts a year, often performed by Grammy-winning talent.
While we're staying, superstar jazz trombonist Nils Landgren is in residence with a coterie of Swedish musical talent (Linn, it transpires, is the girlfriend of a Swedish pianist). In return for their room and board, Linn's boyfriend tickles the ivories of one of the hotel's seven Steinways.
The stars dithering over the afternoon cake buffet aren't exclusively of the musical sphere though. England manager Thomas Tuchel is a Schloss Elmau regular, and a guest whose expertise Mueller-Elmau has tapped for the hotel's popular summer football programme. A visiting chess champion advised for the thrice annual Chess Academy, while PhD students from the Technical University of Munich teach the new Creative with AI Workshop (while also analysing, for their own research, how effectively the children bolster their cynicism against chatbots).
Sauerhöfer, the published writer and illustrator teaching the Manga Workshop, is another Schloss Elmau regular, having taught there for two decades (she hit it off with Heidrun, Mueller-Elmau's wife, the architect of the workshops). However, despite Sauerhöfer's attentive, upbeat style, Rafe was now so close to the ground that he had almost automatically enrolled himself in the Zoom Photo Workshop one floor below.
So, my energetic six-year-old preferred watching Pokemon to drawing it. But launching arrows into the scaly haunches of charging T-Rexes projected onto a basement wall, while being tutored by German champion archer Christian Kuffer, was right up his street (as it was for all four of us, actually). The next day, Rafe built on his experience when we walked with our bows to the outdoor targets (in winter, families can shoot by torchlight), the gentians like drops of ink in the grass.
Beyond the Kids Club, teachings – both intentional and serendipitous – are available throughout this exclusive, sprawling property. In the Finnish sauna, family bonding was measured in beads of sweat, before testing our mettle in the crystal clear Ferchenbach stream; its gurgling an audible accompaniment to the nightly moon glow of the snowy Wetterstein peaks visible from our balcony.
Indeed, with its spacious twin hotel buildings (unified by serene eastern-influenced interiors) and six luxurious spas, it's little wonder that Schloss Elmau has welcomed the dysfunctional clan of the G7 twice, in 2015 and 2022. As Mueller-Elmau observed dryly, 'There's enough space to get away from one another before you all have to meet up for dinner.'
Returning to my room after an evening of jazz piano (Swedish) in the Al Camino bar, I passed the West Wing in the original Hideaway hotel, where Barack Obama has stayed. In a brightly lit gallery on the first floor, a family in silhouette tore breathlessly around a ping pong table, and I marvelled at the effortlessness of familial relationships under the right conditions.
If you can't find those conditions here, you haven't fully studied the hotel's weekly colour-coded activity publication. As Mueller-Elmau put it during a tour of the hotel's numerous adult-only spaces, 'You rent a house in the south of France, what are you going to do? Go for a bike ride, eat, go for a swim, that's about it.' He spread his arms. 'Here, there is a sense of possibility. A place to let your kids roam free.'
On our final morning, walking to pick up Ada who was adding the finishing touches to her manga portfolio, I understood my impulse to bring them here. On holiday, as parents, we want to alleviate the burden of being the imperfect teacher, but we can't accept any old stand-in. Parental love is extreme, obsessive, all-consuming – it's normal life.
Inside the workshop room, a glut of parents in colourful spa robes hovered, wallowing in parental pride. Sauerhöfer was responding to a floppy-haired child in a too-large Cambridge University-emblazoned sports coat about what came first, Pointillism or Impressionism. Amid this, Rafe slipped in behind me, quietly picked up some paper, sat, and began to draw.
Essentials
Chris Allsop was a guest of easyJet, which flies from Bristol to Innsbruck from £27 one-way, and of Schloss Elmau, which offers double rooms from £239 (€280) per person per night on a B&B basis. This includes yoga, sports and activity programmes, access to the six family and adult spas, admission to cultural events, participation in the Edutainment Workshops, plus soccer camps and supervision in the kids and creative club.
Europe's best kids' clubs for high achievers
Penha Longa Resort, Portugal
Future Rory McIlroys should descend on this resort near Lisbon, which delivers clinics and workshops across the resort's two courses, including the highly rated Atlantic Championship Course.
Doubles from £242 per night, including breakfast
Rixos Sungate, Turkey
A well-rounded experience awaits at this resort in Antalya, where Lego robotics, ceramics, junior-chef sessions, a football academy, and more are on tap at Rixy Kids Club.
Standard doubles with a mountain view from £271 per night, on an all-inclusive basis with free access to the Land of Legends Theme Park
Nobu Hotel Marbella, Spain
Enliven your teen's break here by booking up extracurricular gems such as sushi-making and DJ training.
Doubles from £561 per night, including breakfast
Sani Resort, Greece
Young environmentalists will likely enjoy a multi-layered eco-focused offering that includes engaging with local NGOs. There's also tennis and football coaching, as well as the Bear Grylls Survival Academy.
Doubles from £200 per night, on a half-board basis
Rome Cavalieri, A Waldorf Astoria Hotel, Italy
A useful immersion for future Classics scholars, the kids club at this hotel even offers gladiator training, during which children aged seven and up get the chance to summon their inner Maximus (part of the hotel's Italy immersion package, which also includes pizza-making and hat-crafting).
