26-05-2025
The Four Horsemen of divorce: insights from love researchers to save your relationship
It's natural to feel frustrated occasionally in a relationship. However, when typical grievances evolve into harmful criticism, the bond between partners can suffer.
Image: Diva Plavalaguna /pexels
If you and your partner struggle to communicate, you're not alone. Relationships can feel like an uphill battle when arguments pile up and moments of connection become rare.
Maybe it feels like there's no way to break the cycle of misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and frustration. But what if the key to saving your relationship lies in avoiding a few critical pitfalls?
Love researchers John and Julie Gottman, founders of the renowned Gottman Institute, have studied relationships for decades.
Their research has identified four destructive communication habits they call the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" of relationships.
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If left unaddressed, the presence of behaviours such as criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt can predict divorce with an accuracy exceeding 90%. Understanding and addressing these behaviours could help you build a healthier, happier partnership.
Defensiveness shifts the focus away from the issue and onto your partner, making them feel invalidated.
Image: Alex Green/ Pexels
1. Criticism: The habit of attacking your partner
We all get frustrated sometimes, but when normal complaints turn into toxic criticism, it can damage your relationship. Criticism targets your partner's character rather than focusing on the specific issue at hand.
For example: 'You never listen to me. You always care more about your friends than me.'
Words like 'never' and 'always' generalise and make your partner feel attacked, leading to defensiveness (another horseman). Instead, try constructive communication.
Focus on how you feel and what you need: 'I feel hurt when I don't feel heard. Can we set aside time to talk?' By avoiding blame and emphasising your feelings, you can bring up concerns without turning them into a personal attack.
2. Defensiveness: The shield that blocks accountability
When your partner brings up a problem, do you find yourself immediately defending your actions? Defensiveness is a natural response to criticism, but it can escalate conflict and prevent resolution.
Defensiveness shifts the focus away from the issue and onto your partner, making them feel invalidated.
Instead of reacting defensively, speaking with relationship coach Kim Polinder suggests taking the '1% test': Ask yourself: 'Is there even 1% truth in what they're saying?'
If so, acknowledge it: 'You're right, I should have planned better. I'm sorry.' This small step toward accountability can create space for empathy and problem-solving.
3. Stonewalling: The silent shutdown
Stonewalling happens when one partner emotionally withdraws during an argument. Maybe they stop responding, physically turn away, or leave the room entirely. While it might seem like they're trying to avoid escalating the fight, this shutdown only deepens the divide.
Stonewalling often happens when someone feels overwhelmed. According to the Gottmans, it's critical to recognise when you or your partner needs a timeout to de-escalate tension. However, taking a break doesn't mean ignoring the issue.
Take deep breaths, listen to music, or go for a walk to calm your emotions.
Image: cottonbro studio/pexels
