17 hours ago
'There was no option': Scottsdale PhD warns against parents pushing their kids into sports
Just like there's no textbook on how to become a perfect father, there's no exact blueprint to follow when it comes to teaching, coaching and training your kids on how to become an accomplished athlete in his or her chosen sport – if that's what your son or daughter truly wants.
'The first important thing is just that they ensure this really is the kid's dream,' said Dr. Bettina Lehnert, a Harvard-trained psychologist who has been in private practice in Scottsdale since 1991. "I have certainly had people on my couch who come in years later when they're adults and talk about how their parents pressured them, or one or the other parents pressured them, because the parent is actually living out their own dream for the kid."
'That's obviously a danger because kids are eager to please their parents. They need to have the conversation with the kid and ask them, 'Is this really your dream? Don't do it for me; do it for you if that's what you enjoy.'
We've all probably heard, seen or know about the gung-ho dad who was hellbent on turning little Johnny into an NFL quarterback, shaping tiny Tommy into a major league pitcher or pushing petite Pam into becoming an Olympic gymnast.
Sometimes, it might work. Usually, it doesn't.
Dr. Lehnert says it's important to give your children 'permission to not pursue that dream.'
'When I look back at my patients,' she said, 'they don't want to disappoint their parents, so sometimes they abandon themselves in that process and don't stand up for themselves because they are so motivated by getting their parents' approval. Kids are very vulnerable to that because kids haven't developed that internal sense of, 'I'm OK even without this approval.'
'That's a process that happens throughout human development, which is long and complex. It's a very powerful reinforcer that makes it feel impossible for kids, I think sometimes, to not do the thing they know their parents want them to do.'
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As an example, Lehnert mentioned a recent female patient who had been pushed into a sport she didn't love and didn't wish to pursue.
'But there was no option for her not to in her family, unfortunately,' Lehnert said. 'She was very talented in the sport, but she didn't enjoy it. … It's hard to imagine anyone being able to do that.'
The best thing a parent can do to help a child or teenager who is interested in becoming successful in a sport of their own choice, Leinert says, is to provide quality and meaningful support and encouragement. Instead of pressuring their son or daughter, they should praise the effort and progress at each turn and be careful not to solely focus on the outcomes or the wins.
'It plants good seeds for self-esteem in that we have a sense of confidence in things that we're good at,' Lehnert said. 'We have a sense of contribution, and we have a sense of belonging. Being on a sports team provides those things in spades, especially if it's coming from a good, supportive place from the parent as opposed to the pressure."
'It's also important to keep the focus on allowing it to continue to be fun. If they're not enjoying it anymore, they're going to quit at some point, or they're not going to excel.'
This article originally appeared on Arizona Republic: There is a right and wrong way to raise a young, inspiring athlete
