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7 Common Parenting Tactics That Can Hurt Your Kid's Confidence, According to a Child Psychologist
7 Common Parenting Tactics That Can Hurt Your Kid's Confidence, According to a Child Psychologist originally appeared on Parade.
There are a number of factors that can contribute to a child's development early on—from teaching them healthy habits to things that can have more of a negative impact like being constantly criticized. Such factors can affect them later on as adults, especially when it comes to their relationships and attitude in the workplace. Most notably, if a child is expected to be perfect all time, they could start to exhibit signs of low self-esteem as a teenager and later on in life as they navigate the challenges of being an you start noticing signs that your son or daughter lacks confidence in certain areas of their life, Dr. David Friedlander, Psy.D., a child psychologist specializing in the treatment of children and young adults with anxiety, says it's important to pay attention. While their environment and school experiences can contribute to lower self-esteem, there are common parenting tactics that can hurt your kid's confidence in a big way. Parents may think that pushing their child constantly or even solving their problems for them will make them better in the future, but this isn't always the case. Here, Dr. Friedlander discusses behaviors from moms and dads that can cause a child to have low self-esteem both now and in the
While there are a number of things can cause a child to have low self-esteem, Dr. Friedlander says there are underlying and often overlooked issues that factor in with this. "Like most aspects of psychology, we believe low self-confidence is influenced by a combination of biological and experiential factors," he explains. "Biological factors include things like your genes, what you're exposed to in the womb, and your nutritional intake. These factors contribute to your temperament, which might pre-dispose you to being overly cautious or perfectionistic. Experiential factors include social and learning experiences, your family environment, and adverse childhood events."He adds that these factors can greatly impact personality development and beliefs about yourself as you grow. The combination of the two categories is what's really important. If a child who is predisposed to being overly cautious gets criticized every time they fail, they're at a greater risk of developing low self-confidence. But Dr. Friedlander also says that on the other hand, if that child is praised for trying and given the message that it's okay to make mistakes, they may be able to overcome their biological
There are a few things to keep in mind if you're concerned about your son or daughter having low self-esteem. While a child's environment and biological factors can certainly play a role in how they view themselves, there are also styles of parenting that can contribute to the issue. Dr. Friedlander says to watch out for the following: "Being overly critical [or] overly demanding, punishing failures frequently, not noticing or praising successes. But other (seemingly harmless) parenting behaviors also need to be used more sparingly than the average parent might realize."A few examples he points out are fixing problems for your child that they could realistically solve themselves or rescuing them from situations they might be able to manage on their own—both are potentially harmful to a child's self-esteem. "These behaviors inadvertently communicate a lack of belief in the child's problem-solving and emotion regulation," he
This is a subtle way you can hurt your child's confidence. A parent can be too accommodating when they seek to reduce a child's distress caused by inaccurate levels of anxiety. Dr. Friedlander explains a bit more about this, sharing, "If your child is nervous to try out for a sports team because they worry [they 'll be 'bad'], an accommodating response would be to say, 'Never mind, you don't have to do it after all.'"By "accommodating," you're agreeing with their worry that they can't handle the thing they're afraid of. He also says that you deny your child the opportunity to "ride the wave" of their anxiety and see that they can get past it. "They may actually play well," he adds. "They may also be as bad as they think, in which case you can praise them for trying and remind them that not everyone is perfect at everything."Related:
"Snowplow" parenting goes hand-in-hand with being overly accommodating. Dr. Friedlander describes this as removing obstacles in your child's path that they can realistically overcome themselves without outside interference. This also makes a child complacent and leads them to believe that people will always solve all their problems for them."An example of this would be if your kid is behind on schoolwork, you call the teacher to get the work excused," he shares. "Similar to [being overly accommodating], this inadvertently communicates that your child can't handle adversity."Related:
There are many ways parents can demand too much of a child, but a few common ways include expecting perfection in terms of their grades, pushing them past their boundaries and forcing them to do things they're not interested in. Dr. Friedlander says this style of parenting can have negative side effects. "[Some parents fail] to acknowledge that some circumstances actually are too challenging, and it's okay that the kid can't handle them," he explains. "If you put your kid in an advanced class when they had trouble in the regular class the year before, they're probably going to have a hard time. If your response is, 'Just try harder, you should be more than capable of this,' you're telling them they're not as good as they 'should' be when, in fact, you've set them up to fail."Related:
Treating a child like their feelings don't matter can be a huge cause of low self-esteem. Dr. Friedlander says it's important to create a safe space for children to express their emotions and that they feel heard. Being overly critical of them or dismissing them can cause low confidence in their childhood but also later in life as an adult. "If a kid is scared, sad or angry, that's their brain's response to their circumstances, based on their biology and life history," he explains. "Telling them, 'Stop fussing, you have nothing to worry about,' sends the message that they can't trust their own brains and bodies."Instead, Dr. Friedlander recommends trying a statement like, "I understand this is scary given the circumstances, but I also know you can do it!"Related: Could You Be a Victim of 'Self-Gaslighting'? 5 Signs of the Subtle Form of Self-Sabotage and How To Stop, According to Experts
Being too demanding and expecting perfection all the time are both ways parents can fail to model healthy mistakes. It's important to set your child up for success by setting a good example. This involves showing how to handle setbacks, challenges and mistakes without being overly critical of yourself. "We all make mistakes—all the time, every day," says Dr. Friedlander. "If you, as the parent, refuse to admit [your] mistakes, that sends the message that mistakes are not okay. For kids with some temperaments, that will lead them to feel ashamed every time they commit an error."Related:
According to Dr. Friedlander, this is another form of perfectionism and parents can often lose sight of what's really important. Sometimes, it's not about the outcome, but how you got there."We often focus on outcomes like 'your team won the game,' rather than the process," he says. "[Instead, we should focus on things like] 'your team communicated well, hustled well and executed your strategy.'"He adds that it's important to focus on the process because it's the only thing we can actually control—and that's key for a child to 10 Things Confident People *Always* Do in a Conversation
If you have multiple children, it's hard not to compare them to one another aloud, especially in times of frustration, but Dr. Friedlander says it's important not to do this if you can help it. After all, it can negatively impact your child's self-esteem in subtle but harmful further explains, "Every parent of multiple children does this in their minds—it's impossible not to! But try to avoid doing it out aloud in moments of anger or frustration. Comments like, 'Why can't you be more like your sister?' Or 'Your brother could do this easily when he was your age' will be received as 'You are inferior to your sibling, and I love them more than you.'"If this does ever happen by accident, it's a good opportunity to model your own ability to make mistakes and apologize. Dr. Friedlander also recommends letting them know in this case that it's okay for everyone to have different strengths.
Up Next:Dr. David Friedlander, Psy.D., licensed psychologist specializing in providing treatment to children, adolescents and young adults with anxiety disorders
7 Common Parenting Tactics That Can Hurt Your Kid's Confidence, According to a Child Psychologist first appeared on Parade on Jun 25, 2025
This story was originally reported by Parade on Jun 25, 2025, where it first appeared.
