18-05-2025
The Midults: My boyfriend disapproves of me having a lie-in
Dear A&E,
I've just moved in with my boyfriend, only to discover that he actively disapproves when I sleep in on the weekend. He wants us to go out and explore or exercise or do DIY rather than 'wasting the day', but I really need some sloth time. I have a fairly demanding work week of five long days in the office and I'm starting to feel ashamed for craving a few empty hours. He's a pretty determined person and I'm confused about what is the right thing to do...
– Drained
Dear Drained,
Energy. Sleep. Such precious human commodities and so complicated and fraught and difficult to get enough of. You can't bank them or guarantee them. Some people have more of them. Some people need more sleep than others. Some are simply too exhausted to sleep. We spend a not insignificant amount of time discussing where our energy has gone and wondering: 'Will it ever come back?' Annabel hasn't slept past 4am since 2018. Emilie finds being awake after 9pm a struggle. Which is, perhaps, why your boyfriend is not going to get much of a fair trial here. So, reader, if you are the kind of person who slams pots and pans in the kitchen trying to force your partner up because it's 8.30am on a Saturday and you've been up since the lark, then move on, because this might not be the column for you.
The word that worries us is 'disapproves'. There's a difference between a kind of Tigger-ish enthusiasm for the world – a person so excited by your potential presence in their day that they are waiting impatiently for you to come out and play – and a grown-adult making a moral judgement. We are not sure that sleep should be judged morally, ever, but certainly not in a world where everything seems to be designed to deprive us of it.
You say you work long weeks. People recover in all sorts of ways. There are those who need a cold-water swim first thing on a Saturday morning. Others train for a marathon or head to the allotment, and some unwind by adopting the recovery position in bed for a few hours: myriad concepts for a personal recovery system that have their place. Your boyfriend is perhaps inertia-intolerant, and finds busyness relaxing. Good for him.
However, the disconnect between the two of you, energy-wise, is clearly bringing out something difficult for him. You do not spend all day in bed. In your longer letter, you say he is up by 7am on Saturdays and you like to stumble into the kitchen at 9.30am. This is not so terrible. What is terrible is the idea of one of you seething for two and a half hours, while the other lies in bed unable to relax for the hostility burning a hole in the wall. That's lose/lose. Can we convert this into a win/win?
What about a conversation that starts something like this: 'More than anything, I love spending time with you. I am just struggling with my energy at the moment and I get a lot of recharge by lying in on a weekend. However, I would love to be out and at it with you on Sunday, so let's just organise ourselves and plan. So, this weekend, when would you like to put that shelf up? When would you like to go to the gallery? And do you feel like doing a spinning class? By the way, if I'm still knackered on Sunday, I may need to schedule a little siesta to refuel for the week. Maybe you would lie down with me?'
He may have had a vision of the two of you moving in together that isn't exactly matching the reality. Expectations often need to be managed. Perhaps one of his 'dreams' was to go for a dawn run/coffee run from your lovely flat in the morning and because it's not happening, he is disappointed and that is coming out as disapproval.
But if he's making his own disillusionment into your problem, that is not okay. We know some people who see their partner's behaviour as being a reflection of their own worth. If he is at all co-dependent, when he sees you lying in bed and communicates that you should feel lazy and ashamed about it, it is most probably in fact his shame that you are feeling. There might be a history there, but that is his problem, and perhaps he can take that to, say, a therapist, and work out what's going on for him there.
Does he listen to what you need in other areas of the relationship? If this little knot doesn't tease out after a conversation and some weekend planning, perhaps think about other situations in which he is judgemental or insist you do his things and whether he listens to what you need. It's not just a lie-in. If someone isn't respecting that you are tired or that you need something simple to feel better and brighter, then it's more of a sign.
