12 hours ago
Nothing will ruin my camping trip… I hate couples having noisy sex & get revenge in a sly way, my grandkids cringe
GOING on holiday with grandparents is a treat many children look forward to, knowing they'll be spoiled rotten with ice creams and round-the-clock attention.
But Emma Parsons-Reid isn't your typical sweet granny.
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'The children always say going camping with me is a rite of passage,' says 58-year-old Emma, from Cardiff.
''If you survive this, you'll survive anything,' is how they look at it.'
Emma has exacting standards and has told off fellow campers for having sex within earshot of her grandkids. She even sees red if people hang their knickers outside to dry.
'I'm a nightmare nan 24/7 and that isn't going to change just because we are on holiday,' she warns.
'I don't like people draping underwear outside their tent or caravan. It's awful, so uncouth.
'Pack enough pants for your trip and wash them when you get home – or go to a launderette.
'You don't need pairs of pants hanging in a line like a ship's sail. No one needs to see that. It ruins the holiday photographs.'
Camping has soared in popularity in recent years, with the UK camping market now worth £2.83 billion, up from £2.2 billion in 2019.
A whopping 42.2 per cent of Brits go camping at least once a year according to the latest statistics.
But for camping fan Emma, standards are slipping – and nothing is guaranteed to rile her more than the sound of couples getting frisky under the stars.
'People get randy when they go camping,' she says.
'I'm not sure if it's the hot nights or the light evenings – coupled with a few drinks – but I get annoyed if I hear them.
'The girls aren't silly. They know what it sounds like and it's mortifying. I get especially annoyed if the noise is keeping me awake at 2am and they're still going at it.'
The next morning, Emma says she takes great pleasure in waking up couples she's heard bonking within earshot of her granddaughters – Elise, 17, Isabella, 15, Scarlett, 13, Lucy, 10, and Ivy, eight – during the night.
'Bang and clatter'
'On my way to the shower block, I'll bang and clatter and make lots of noise so they don't get a lie in.
'On one occasion, when the girls were small, I made them sing a few rounds of Row, Row, Row Your Boat really loudly, just to put a couple off.'
It's usually only her two youngest grandchildren that holiday with her now.
'The older ones don't come any more and I think that's a huge relief for them,' says retired civil servant Emma, who favours Welsh coastal resorts like Porthcawl.
'When they talk about camping with 'Nooney', which is what they all call me, it is like they are telling a survivor's story.
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'The two youngest get very embarrassed. You see their faces drop when I march off to tell someone off, or start complaining about the state of the site to the manager.'
Emma reads fellow campers the riot act if they make noise after 10pm – and hates fire pits and barbecues.
'I don't care if they get annoyed. Looking after the grandchildren can be tiring and I just need a good night's sleep,' Emma, who holidays with her grandchildren and husband Kev 64, a retired engineer, to give her own daughter Hannah, 35, a break, says.
'And there is nothing worse than sitting downwind from someone's barbecue smoke. I don't want to get a whiff of other people's smelly sausages.'
Emma packs M&S food for her family, often enjoying French sticks, ham and salad.
'Why can't we go back to how it was in the 1970s, when everyone was polite and followed some camping etiquette?' says Emma, who refuses to spoil the children with ice creams or seaside souvenirs.
'They love going into the shops, but they're full of plastic tat and I won't allow it in my tent.
'Awful'
'If they want to buy something and I think it's decent enough, I'll allow it, but I'll make them do some chores first – maybe the washing up. I'm very tight and I work to a budget.
'And they eat enough rubbish without me buying them ice creams every day. We might have one meal out, but I'll cook the rest of the time.'
On one occasion, Emma suffered a slipped disc and carried a pink lilo with her everywhere, so she could lie down – much to the embarrassment of the grandkids.
'The pain was awful,' she recalls.
'We'd only just arrived and I didn't want to cut the holiday short, so I carried this everywhere we went so I could lie down on it. I couldn't sit down, I had to lie down – even in restaurants and at the arcades.
'Everyone looked at me like I was insane and the kids were embarrassed.
'On one occasion, they made some friends who were asking them why their nan was always lying down on the lilo. They hated having to explain it every time.'
Who the kids play with is another bone of contention whenever they're away.
'I don't let them play with just anybody,' Emma says. 'If they meet someone, I'll go round to check out the family's tent and make sure they are appropriate.
'If they are in a caravan or a campervan I'm usually OK with that, but I will have to walk past to assess the family. If they are drinking a lot, or if there are cans lying around or knickers hanging out, I'll pull the grandchildren away. You can't be too careful.
'I certainly wouldn't want them playing with rough kids, or rude children that answer back.'
In fact, if Emma's granddaughters fail to find suitable playmates, Emma thinks nothing of recruiting some herself.
'I prefer to choose their friends for them,' she says. "You'll often see me approaching more palatable kids if I see a nice family.
'I'll ask them their names and say they can play with my grandchildren if they like.'
Emma often calls out slovenly campers and the state of site facilities.
'If I think someone is being too messy or leaving a lot of litter, I complain,' says Emma. 'I'm always on the phone to the owner.
'The shower blocks are often disgusting, so that is a common complaint. People often leave a mess all around the basin, but the worst is when they forget their pants and leave them hanging over a rail. Disgusting. That would definitely have me marching down to the site office.
'And I can't stand men that go to the showers with their guts falling over the top of their towels, letting it all hang out.
''Morning love,' they go, but I blank them if they are disgusting.'
Despite her never-ending complaining, Emma says she and the granddaughters cherish their shared camping trips.
'The kids have the best memories of those times,' she says. "We are planning to go back to Fontygary in the Vale of Glamorgan for three nights in August."
'It's always the nightmares they remember. They'll say: 'Do you remember when Nooney did this or that?' and then fall apart laughing.
'They'll remember me telling someone off for having sex, or when the dog had diarrhoea in the campervan.
'We once parked under an acorn tree and all night the acorns dropped onto the roof keeping us all awake.
'I have complained a lot, but we've had some fun times. The kids ridicule me, but it makes me smile as I know they won't forget me when I'm dead and buried.'
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