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Hindustan Times
12 hours ago
- Health
- Hindustan Times
‘We don't fight, we feel nothing': How emotionally disconnected marriages are fueling mental health epidemic in India
In our rapidly evolving social landscape, conversations around mental health are finally getting the mainstream attention that they deserve. Yet it's surprising to see that we as a society often neglect one of the most potent triggers of this issue: marriages lacking emotional connection. It is when there are no loud arguments or visible fights, but each partner begins to emotionally shut down, feeling disconnected, unheard and unseen even when they are physically sharing the same room, bed or even responsibilities. Busy fixing the obvious signs of marital discord, we tend to overlook this crucial aspect as 'just a phase' without realising how it's causing chronic stress, anxiety or even depression in individuals across all ages. Despite smiling Instagram photos, dream couple vacation reels and co-parenting schedules, couples find themselves feeling emotionally alone. In an interview with HT Lifestyle, Sachin Mehla, a certified couple therapist trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), and Bhavvyaa Kulsrestha, a clinical psychologist, discussed the key factors fueling this silent epidemic, one that could potentially shape India's next major mental health crisis. "Earlier marital issues were all about screaming, physical violence or constant disagreements. But now we are seeing a new kind of discord, where couples come to therapy not because they argue but because they go silent," says Sachin. He further adds, from the lens of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), when partners stop turning toward each other for emotional support, they unknowingly break their secure attachment bond. Bhavvyaa adds, 'Emotional shutdown is extremely detrimental to overall well-being. Over time, it leads to chronic loneliness, anxiety, and even symptoms of depression while still being dismissed as 'just a phase' by most families.' "With social media becoming an integral part of our lives, modern couples prioritise 'looking happy instead of being happy'. With no real emotional safety, couples live a dual life, content publicly, hollow in private and the constant labour of maintaining this facade has detrimental psychological impacts," explains Bhavvyaa. "In EFT, we often see couples who've stopped showing up for each other emotionally but continue to 'show up' together on social media. That discrepancy widens the gap further," says Sachin. Over time, this gap creates a feeling of confusion along with a sense of isolation that none of the partners understand because from the outside everything seems fine. "When individuals come in, they rarely say 'we feel distant', instead, they report anxiety, burnout, irritability, or loneliness that they can't quite explain," says Bhavvyaa. She notes that emotional neglect in a relationship doesn't scream, it fosters quietly. This quiet erosion of connection can have significant psychological consequences, especially when people acknowledge the disconnection as a personal failure rather than a relational issue. Sachin stresses the urgent need to shift our perspective around therapy, "it's not damage control, but rather emotional maintenance. The biggest myth that we encounter is that couples should try everything on their own before seeking help. But in reality, the earlier you address patterns of emotional distance, the easier they are to shift," he explains. Through the lens of EFT, Sachin helps couples identify breakdowns in emotional responsiveness before they harden into disconnection. "One of the core causes of the emotional gap in Indian marriages can be traced back to early childhood. We have often seen young boys are often asked to 'be strong' or 'men don't cry', showcasing emotional vulnerability is considered to be a feminine trait or weakness. While growing up, men were deprived of showing emotional sides and suddenly were expected to be emotionally available to their wives. Is it even fair? As a society, we must understand that most of the men in our society are not indifferent but are emotionally illiterate," highlights Bhavvyaa. According to Sachin, EFT focuses on supporting such individuals first to identify and then communicate core emotions like fear, shame, or need without viewing them as weaknesses. "When partners learn to be vulnerable together, even after years of silence, the relationship begins to grow," he says. "Women in traditional marriages are often expected to suppress their emotional needs, and over time, they begin to dissociate from their own desires and identity. It's a slow, silent form of emotional burnout. But this isn't limited to conventional roles. Even in seemingly equal partnerships, women tend to take ownership of the unspoken responsibility of emotional upkeep in the family. This labour they carry is invisible, yet immense," says Bhavvyaa. Additionally, she points out that many high-functioning women show up to therapy with burnout and anxiety, not realising it stems from years of unmet emotional needs in their relationships. Sachin reinforces, "In therapy, we have observed that many women can't express what they want from the relationship because they've never been asked. They've been taught to keep the marriage intact, no matter what." He also highlights that in EFT, this often shows up as women softening or silencing their needs to keep peace, while the male partner assumes the absence of conflict equals healthy relationships. But this dynamic, if left unchecked, leads to mutual detachment and long-term resentment.
Yahoo
04-06-2025
- General
- Yahoo
15 Signs You're Attracting The Wrong Men & How To Break The Cycle
f your relationships always feel like emotional reruns—same plot, different face—you're not alone. Sometimes it's not that you have bad taste, but that your nervous system is wired to crave chaos, inconsistency, or validation from people who can't give it. It's not your fault, but it is your responsibility to break the pattern. These signs go deeper than the usual 'he doesn't text back' red flags. They expose the subtle, psychological cues that reveal you're drawn to emotionally unavailable or mismatched partners—and how to finally change the script. If the butterflies feel more like anxiety, that's not chemistry—it's nervous system dysregulation. When someone is hot and cold, you mistake the adrenaline for desire. But that rollercoaster isn't love—it's a trauma bond. Healthy love often feels calm, even boring at first. Healthy love often feels calm, even boring at first. As confirmed by Dr. Sue Johnson, a leading clinical psychologist and developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), attachment theory shows that secure relationships are built on emotional safety and calm connection rather than adrenaline-fueled chaos. Learning to sit with that stillness instead of fleeing it is crucial for lasting bonds. You chase indifferent men, not because they're special, but because they're a challenge. The moment someone is consistent or adores you, you lose interest. That's not pickiness—it's a self-worth issue in disguise. If love has to be earned, it never feels safe. Start noticing who makes you feel calm, not who makes you perform. True connection doesn't require constant proving. You're drawn to emotionally elusive men, thinking they're 'deep' or 'complex.' But often, that mystery is just poor communication and emotional unavailability. Depth reveals itself—it doesn't hide. Research published in the National Institutes of Health's PubMed Central highlights that emotional availability—the ability to share a healthy emotional connection—is a key indicator of intimacy and relationship quality, rather than aloofness or enigma. You fall in love with what could be instead of what is. You're loyal to their future self while ignoring the present damage. That fantasy becomes a trap. If he's not showing up now, promises don't count. You deserve someone who meets you today, not in a hypothetical tomorrow. Love isn't rehab. You shrink to stay likable. You don't speak up when something feels off because you're scared of being 'too much.' But self-abandonment isn't sustainable—it breeds resentment. Suppressing your needs to avoid rocking the boat can lead to frustration and conflict in relationships. According to a study published by the National Institutes of Health, relational need frustration occurs when partners feel controlled, pressured, rejected, or abandoned, and this frustration is closely linked to negative emotional experiences during conflicts. You love the idea of who they might become, not who they are. You convince yourself they just need the right partner to 'bring it out.' But who someone is now matters more than who they might be later. This mindset puts you in fixer mode, not equal partnership. Choose someone whose current actions align with your values. Hope isn't a relationship strategy. You crave the ones who leave you starving for affection, thinking that hunger is love. But deprivation isn't romance—it's neglect repackaged as longing. The more unavailable they are, the more intense your attachment becomes. As noted by PsychAlive, emotional hunger can often be mistaken for love because it involves intense longing and attention, but unlike love, it drains rather than nurtures the person it is directed toward. You overshare early, mistaking emotional dumping for intimacy. It creates a false sense of closeness without real trust or reciprocity. Vulnerability is powerful—but only when it's mutual and paced. Slow it down. Real connection unfolds over time. Emotional safety can't be rushed. You leave dates or calls feeling anxious, second-guessing yourself, or emotionally fried. That's not butterflies—that's your intuition ringing the alarm. Relationships shouldn't feel like recovery. The right person gives you clarity, not confusion. When it's real, you won't feel like you have to emotionally rebound every time you see them. Pay attention to your nervous system—it knows. Your chest tightens, your stomach knots, but you brush it off as excitement. But your body often registers danger long before your brain does. It's not being 'dramatic'—it's being wise. Somatic signals are early warning systems. Start honoring them. If your body is in a stress response, it's not a green light. He might look different on the surface—job, style, background—but the pattern repeats. Emotionally distant, unreliable, hot-cold—sound familiar? That's not bad luck—it's unconscious repetition. You're drawn to the familiar, even if it hurts. Breaking the cycle starts with naming it. Familiar doesn't equal safe. You feel valuable only when you're rescuing someone. You're the emotional crutch, the fixer, the unpaid therapist. But that's not love—it's emotional labor masquerading as worth. You are not a rehab center. Let people be whole before they come to you. You deserve reciprocity, not rescue missions. You celebrate the bare minimum—'He didn't ghost me,' 'He remembered my birthday.' But basic decency shouldn't feel like a grand gesture. If the standards are on the floor, that's not love—it's survival mode. Raise the bar. Kindness isn't random; it's consistent. Don't confuse crumbs with a feast. You think love means sticking it out while they 'work on themselves.' But healing is personal, not something you can do with or for them. You can love someone and still walk away. You're not a detour on someone else's journey. You deserve someone ready now. Stop waiting for someone to become the partner you need. You know what you don't want, but you haven't sat with what you do. Without a clear internal compass, you'll keep defaulting to what's familiar. And that opens the door to repeated pain. Start defining your values, your non-negotiables, your green flags. Make a new love map. When you know what healthy feels like, you stop settling for chaos.
