8 hours ago
Harvard professor who studied love for 25 years reveals the one sign that your relationship will last a lifetime - and it's nothing to do with romantic passion
A Harvard professor who studied love for more than two decades has revealed the secret behind a long-lasting relationship - and it's nothing to do with romantic passion.
Arthur Brooks, a social science expert, appeared on The Drive podcast with Peter Attia MD and the pair shared the signs that a relationship will last a lifetime.
During their chat, the pro explained that the key is finding a partner who is also your best friend - as the bond will remain even as the initial chemistry sizzles.
'One of the most important things for a happy life is a partnership with somebody who will be the last person who you set eyes on as you take your last dying breath, that is really, really important,' he explained.
'The goal of your marriage is not passion, it's friendship. This is the goal, you must be close friends, ideally best friends, with your spouse.
'I'm going to be with my wife Ester until death do us part, that has to be the juice of the relationship where the love actually makes happiness and love is truly the great secret to happiness.'
He said that there are also a couple of indicators that a marriage may end in divorce - including people who feel lonely in their relationship.
Arthur used the example of 'empty nest syndrome' which refers to parents experiencing sadness or distress when their children have grown into adults and moved out of the family home.
He said: 'The people who suffer the most from empty nest syndrome is not the empty nest it's the fact that they are with one other bird and they don't really like that bird.'
Arthur said that when two people have been together for a long time it can be normal - and even 'advisable' - that their passion levels are not as high as when they were fresh into their relationship.
He described lacking intimacy levels as 'healthy, normal and actually advisable because it's more sustainable in the long run'.
'But some people are very happy and don't have that. What do they have in common? Very, very close personal lifelong friends,' the professor continued.
'Here is the key, if you don't have a spouse you need real friends. These are people who know your secrets, take your 2am phone call and that you talk to a lot.'
However, Arthur also said that it is still very important to ensure that you upkeep friendships with others even if you are in a marriage; adding that men are usually worse at keeping in touch with their pals.
'You've got to work on these things for sure for a lot of reasons besides the fact that it's just healthy and good. You might, at some point, be left alone if you're widowed. You don't want to be alone under those circumstances.
'That is one of the reasons why men do so poorly when they lose their wives because a lot of them don't have real friendships.'
The expert added that one of the red flags a marriage will end in separation is when a couple only have their children in common and nothing else.
'A companion in love that is your wife that turns out to be much more indicative of your happiness than actually having a relationship with your kids because your kids are turning into different people every year - that's super fun and interesting but that is not the key,' Arthur said.
'One of the greatest predictors of divorce is partners who are lonely while living together and this [means] that the only thing you have in common is your kids.
'[When] that one point of commonality disappears and you're sitting across the table blinking at each other during dinner and not talking because you literally have nothing to talk about.'
To prevent this from happening, Arthur said that it is important for married couples to partake in activities together, whether that is reading the same book, playing the same sports or even practicing the same religion to keep their bond strong and allow them to have things in common.
He remarked: 'They should develop philosophical interests in common, they're talking about deep things.
'There's got to be something bigger than "Did you change his diaper?" because that's not going to be in common forever and you're going to be lonely in your relationship.'
This comes as dating coach Paige Moyce, from the south east of England, also revealed the five signs that your relationship is doomed.
She said the first sign that things are coming to an end is that you are staying together for a whole list of reasons - but your happiness is not one of them.
'Maybe you're staying for the kids, maybe you're staying because you fear being alone or you don't want them with anyone else,' she said.
'Maybe you're staying because you are scared of what it would look like to leave, or you don't want to hurt that person.'
Whatever the reason, your own happiness does not come anywhere near the top of the list, or even on it at all.
The second sign is when communication turns into a conflict. Even when you watch your tone or pick the 'right time' to talk it seems to end up in an argument.
She said: 'All this does is drive a bigger and larger wedge between you and this person. If our needs are not being met, then how long is this relationship going to last for?'
Paige added that loneliness is another indicator that the relationship is doomed, saying that people can actually feel more lonely in a relationship than out of one.
She added: 'Just because we are physically with someone, doesn't mean we are emotionally with someone. If you're honest, when was the last time you felt special in this relationship? When was the last time you felt valued?'
The fourth sign that your relationship is over is that you have lost your sense of individuality because you have put your partner first.
'You have put this person before you so many times that it is now normal to do so, but now you don't know what you want,' she said.
'Because you have prioritised the other person, you are now left wondering what it is that you want, which can leave you feeling overwhelmed.
Lastly, Paige said that if you were given a magic wand with the option to leave, you would take the opportunity.
She said: 'If someone could guarantee that you could get through it, that it wouldn't be hell, that you would be happy again, that you would meet someone else and that would be confident again, you would take it.'
