3 days ago
- General
- New Indian Express
One nation, one menu
The Board of Secondary Education, Telangana, sets the syllabus. The Illuminati of Hyderabad food sets the menu.
The board prescribes one textbook for all schools. The Freemasons wrote one menu for all restaurants.
Schools hire teachers to teach from that book. Restaurants hire chefs to cook from that one menu.
Some teachers follow the syllabus to the dot. Some go beyond and try harder. Some just read from the guide and go home.
Same with chefs — some follow the recipe to the dot, some experiment, and some just reheat leftovers.
Schools have different names, fees, and uniforms. Restaurants have different names, prices, and themes.
But what they teach and what they cook is exactly the same.
Yet every time a new restaurant opens up, my friends lose their minds. Conversations go like this: 'Bro, a new restaurant just opened! Let's try that oldest dish invented in 800 AD at this place that opened in June 2025.'
Yes, Bob Dylan, the times they are a-changin' — but they're not changing fast enough.
We urgently need to move to Mars. I need AI to cut my nails. I don't want to give OTPs — I should blink twice and a cab should appear. And when will Google Maps show directions to Limbo?
And here we are, wasting precious brainpower deciding what to eat and where.
So today, I will solve this one useless problem for all you good people trying to build this planet into a better place. The Illuminati is trying to stall your progress by keeping you stuck between Chicken Manchurian and chicken manchiga unda?
Basically, everyone wants the best food their money can buy, right? So, we stop working, check reviews, watch three-hour podcasts, ask ChatGPT to deep dive, and then, with half-conviction, pick a place and order. Later we say, 'Today wasn't that good.' Meanwhile, the glacier melted 100 litres, and a self-driving car missed its turn.
Instead, try this:
Pick any dish — say Chicken Noodles (which, by the way, every restaurant, even a Rajasthani one, will have). Have low expectations.
You've got Rs 1,000? Pick any premium place. They all sound exotic, pretending they just returned from Vietnam — but they're as Indian as you are, so how different can it really taste? Just pick any one.
You've got Rs 500? Choose any less-fancy street place. They'll serve the same noodles, just in a scratched-up plate, and use brighter food colours and dim lighting so you don't notice the scratches. One gravy is orange. One gravy is green. But once you taste them, it all feels the same.
You've got Rs 100? Stop at the place with the worst spelling.
This applies to Butter Chicken, Pizza, Mandi, and nowadays even Biryani.
So let's save ourselves and the planet from having endless conversations about 'What's your favourite restaurant?' and 'Where should we eat?'
We're on the brink of extinction. And food is just basic fuel.
Sure, we all love our fuel.
But Indian Oil or Bharat Petroleum — how does it even matter?
Sandesh
@msgfromsandesh
(This comedian is here to tell funny stories about Hyderabad)
(The writer's views are his own)
