4 days ago
The Midults: We're going on holiday with another couple – and I fancy the wife
Dear A&E,
My wonderful wife and I are going on a summer holiday, as we have for the last eight years, with some very good friends who live in our village. This year it's Greece. The children are at university and doing their own thing, so it's just the four of us – all very happily married – which would be very relaxing had I not, over the last six months or so, developed very intense feelings for the woman – who is not my wife. It started with me just noticing her sparkle, and now I can't stop thinking about her, and she is flirting back, so it's exciting. I am both thrilled and terrified about this holiday. It's too late to cancel – everyone will think I'm mad.
- In A Sweat
Dear In A Sweat,
We are in a sweat just reading your letter. There's presumably a brilliant, therapeutic response to your situation. Warning: this is not going to be a therapeutic response, although we highly recommend that you seek some therapy to – perhaps – examine why and how these feelings came to be and to put some damage limitation in place.
But we are not therapists, and so we are going to start by saying this: get a grip, man. Nothing good can come of this. Yes, you've got an empty nest and yes, you are in a certain midlife danger zone (whether or not one subscribes to the existence of that zone, you are in it) and, yes, familiarity can breed the very opposite of contempt but have a very strict word with yourself and proceed with extreme caution.
Crushes happen. They are completely normal and strike at the most unexpected and inconvenient times. They can be directed at a complete stranger or at someone we have known all our lives. They do not make sense, just as we do not make sense. As for the 'rules' of attraction? Well, we know by now that there are no rules. We exist at the mercy of our hormones and our own good sense. Or lack thereof. If we avoided every single person whom we were remotely attracted to, then we would be totally isolated. Part of platonic friendship is the fizz and the fun of the harmless flirt – 'harmless' being the operative word.
But we must be careful that crushes do not blossom into inappropriate obsessions. They will usually (not always) be only as dramatic as we allow them you be. And so, your talk of 'thrill' and 'terror' could do with some de-oxygenation. We say 'usually' because there is, of course, the odd, rare, apocryphal take about affairs that no one ever finds out about or even lifelong love stories forged in the fire of each other's marriages to other people. But they are hen's teeth. And we are too old for 'forbidden fruit' titillation, are we not, In A Sweat? Don't you agree?
Is this woman really flirting back? Or is she being playful because you are, at this point, like a brother to her? Stop it and show some respect for your marriage, her marriage and yourself. Nothing good will come of this or, at least, the chances of great love triumphing over destruction are infinitesimally slender. It will be grubby rather than epic. Sad, rather than glorious. These things happen but for goodness' sake, be honest with yourself and keep your eyes open. Don't enable your own crisis. And remember that often one's fantasies do not – when it comes down to it – match one's desires. Just because you might get all hot and heavy in your own head about, say, being tied up by a stranger, doesn't mean you wouldn't call the police if someone attempted it.
It is never too late to cancel. If you genuinely think that this holiday could imperil your marriage or your sanity, then you know what to do. That said, saying, ' I can't go to Greece because I am dangerously attracted to Cynthia,' is clearly unwise. Focus on your wonderful wife. Reignite the sparkle in her. Remember that she is a precious thing that needs nurturing. As are you. As is your marriage. 'Do you know what? Let's go away just the two of us, instead. The children have gone. We have the money. Let's drink too many martinis, swim naked under the moon and have some shouty sex.' Or your version of the aforesaid. She may be astonished. Woo her. They may be outraged. Pay them back the deposit (in instalments, if need be) and sail off into the summer with the woman who loves and trusts you. How absolutely sexy is that?
