7 hours ago
The sex lessons I learnt working on TV's steamiest bedroom scenes
'Good sex begins long before you get to the bedroom,' says Ita O'Brien, talking about her debut book, Intimacy, where she looks at sex and desire from her perspective as an intimacy coordinator. She has worked on some of the steamiest sex scenes in films such as We Live in Time a nd TV series Sex Education and Normal People.
Her new book could be described as a field guide to intimacy for couples but Ita is not a sex therapist. Instead, her expertise comes from 42 years professional experience as a musical theatre dancer, actor, movement teacher and director and since 2017 an intimacy coordinator. She is an expert in choreographing sex scenes and guiding actors to create believable on-screen chemistry. Since O'Brien developed an industry-first set of intimacy guidelines, outlining a clear standard for film, TV and theatre, she has been requested on set by filmmakers globally and was personally thanked by Michaela Coel in her BAFTA-winning speech for her work on It's a Sin.
Going straight into 'sex scene mode' when the prospect of intimacy looms, doesn't work on film sets and it doesn't work in real life either, O'Brien explains: 'We can't just switch to 'sex scene mode' and expect to have good sex.' So, she developed tools to help us practise communicating our needs and create an environment where we feel truly at-ease. That, she says, is where real intimacy grows.
Years of carefully curating sex scenes and supporting actors to feel comfortable on set taught her that intimacy requires groundwork, time, and focus – and that's the wisdom she wants to pass on to us, through these four very practical exercises…
1. Start with a foot massage
'While you might not be negotiating with a film crew in your bedroom, the same principles apply as on set – if you want to find true intimacy, then you need to find a way of talking to your partner about what will satisfy you and what you do and don't want to do, and that ultimately begins with a sense of openness to trying new things.'
A foot massage is a good starting point. 'Finding a connection with the feet also helps you ground and anchor yourself in your body and a foot massage is a brilliant way of helping you do that,' she continues. 'As well as enabling you to connect with your body and the sensations you enjoy, it prompts relaxation and is very simple to do – whether with a partner, or solo at first.'
Begin by kneading the foot as though it were dough. Be firm as you move your hands down the foot, kneading the ankle and down around the heel. Work across both the top and underside of the foot with this kneading action.
Gently circle the toes from their joints, like stirring a spoon in a bowl, starting with the big toe. Stir four times in one direction, then reverse the movement, stirring four times. Notice the sensations you or your partner feel as you circle each toe.
Try the 'caterpillar wall'. Spread the big and second toe, using your index finger to find the channel between the tarsal bones (the seven small bones near the ankle making up the back part of the foot). Inch your finger down this channel, as if you were a caterpillar walking down the foot until the tarsal bones meet at the joint, and the finger stops. Focus on opening out the muscle and work along all four spaces between the metatarsal bones and notice how it feels.
2. Stay in tune with your partner with regular communication
We shouldn't assume that one conversation around sex or intimacy is all that's needed (or that just because your partner enjoyed something last time, they'll necessarily enjoy it again). Communication, says O'Brien, is 'an ongoing process.'
'Staying in tune with our partners involves regular communication. If I bring my mobile phone in with me when we sit down to eat dinner for example, it's a 'virtual do-not-disturb' sign, blocking any kind of communication.'
Instead, make an agreement on how you plan on being present with each other and what that looks like for you both. 'If that involves having phones out at certain times, that's fine, but implement boundaries around technology first of all, so we allow it to be a tool that works for us, rather than something that takes away,' she notes.
When it comes to sex itself, keep talking there too, showing or telling your partner what you enjoy. ' Never assume you know what's going on in your partner's head,' she says. 'In long-term relationships things change – our bodies shift, from childbirth and illnesses to operations and menopause, and our relationship with our bodies and pleasure change as a result. It's important to keep asking ourselves – and each other – what serves me now is, am I into this? Less into this? How am I feeling?'.
'It isn't unsexy to talk,' she adds. 'In fact, it can often lead to greater sexual fulfilment and deeper, more satisfying intimate relationships. Whether that sounds like, 'I like that' or 'That feels great' – keep talking and communicating throughout these intimate moments – you might be surprised at what you discover.'
3. Take time to really observe your partner, from what they're wearing to the style of their hair
It might sound silly, but try looking at your partner and tell themwhat you observe, notice about them. O'Brien notes that 'there's nothing to change or judge' in the moment of sharing or listening – the focus is purely observation (but steer clear of sexual observations, she flags).
Begin by saying 'I notice….' and spend 60 seconds sharing your observations out loud (it could be about what your partner is wearing, or the colour of their eyes, for example). Then, your partner takes their turn to share their observations about you, for the same amount of time.
In the second round, bring in more subjective elements (has anything changed since the first round of observations?). As you're being noticed, resist the urge to comment, or respond. Then, as before, it's your partner's turn to observe you and what they're noticing.
The final phase involves imagining and sharing what you're wondering out about your partner, out loud. It might be about anything. Begin each sentence with 'I wonder….' and keep talking for 60 seconds. Your partner takes their turn to share the things they wonder about you, from your thoughts and likes to your feelings about anything at all – just see what comes up.
When you've finished, take a moment to think about how the exercise made you feel. Talk about the experience with your partner if you like, listening to how they found it.
4. Listen, properly – even to the mundane
Even a cursory ' how was your day? ' can be turned into an opportunity for deeper connection. Take it seriously, slow down, dig a little deeper with your questions and really focus on their answers.
Passing too quickly from one state to another, or worse, being in two places at once, means we're not fully present for either activity, making connection and intimacy near impossible.
In her book, O'Brien refers to a New York Times article about the psychologist Arthur Aron, who created 36 questions for prospective lovers to ask each other – the experiment resulted in two people falling in love. Its success, O'Brien muses, was not only down to the questions – 'propelling people into a vulnerability and openness that would ordinarily take weeks or months to build' – and use of eye-gazing, but the role of active listening. 'Asking big questions and really listening to the answer is essential to keep any relationship alive.'
'Try starting with 'How are you right now?' or 'What's working for you right now?'' O'Brien suggests. 'Then go into specifics, things like, 'How are you in your work?' 'How's your creativity?' 'How does your body feel at the moment?' 'What about your relationship with your kids, or the way we're living right now?. From then you can go into bigger questions like 'How do you see life looking in 10 years' time?'.'
Once you've asked a question, resist the urge to follow up immediately. Use the pause, think and connect' approach. 'Ask the question and leave space – any kind of intimacy work means being present and really listening to someone's answers. Give your partner time and space to elaborate on their thoughts and really share what's going on for them.'
Never assume you know how your partner feels about something – 'whenever I assume, things go off-kilter,' O'Brien notes.
Ita O'Brien's book Intimacy: A field guide to finding connection and feeling your deep desires is published by Ebury Press, HBK ebook audio on June 5 2025.
