2 days ago
Everyone Assumed I Was Just a Weekend Dad. Here's What They Didn't See.
'Can't you just send someone else?' my boss asked as I packed up at 3 p.m.
I'd been the marketing director for less than six months, but I had a more important job waiting: picking up my 3-year-old twin boys from daycare, managing dinner and baths, reading bedtime stories, then logging back online to finish work.
But no one believed I was truly sharing the role of primary parent.
Whenever I explained my routine, people reacted the same way: 'Wait, you have them on a school night?' or 'Couldn't their mom handle that?'
The underlying message was clear: Divorced dads are seen as weekend warriors, showing up only for soccer games and Disney trips, not for the weekday homework help and school drop-offs. This thinking extends into schools and health care systems that automatically contact 'mom first,' even when custody is shared equally. While often unintentional, this bias is deeply systemic.
My ex-wife was always called first for pickups or incidents throughout my kids' school years. I'll never forget finding out — two days after the fact — that my son Charlie had cut his head in a playground accident. Standing outside the classroom waiting for pickup, another parent casually asked how he was doing. Confused, I asked, 'What do you mean?' She explained he'd been bleeding after colliding heads with her son during recess. I stood stunned. The school hadn't told me a word. That moment hit me with embarrassment, anger and shame. I felt like I'd failed my son.
Despite shared custody, consent forms and sports registrations were sent only to her, causing complications if she missed deadlines. Pediatricians also defaulted to calling their mother first with test results or appointment updates, even when I was the one who had taken them to the doctor's office.
Therapist Janice Holland has seen how institutional bias affects children's development: 'When systems consistently sideline the father, it teaches kids — consciously or not — that love, comfort, and authority are the mother's domain. This not only warps their understanding of healthy, balanced relationships, but can also lead to confusion about trust, loyalty, and how to safely attach to both parents.'
This is what some call the 'invisible father' phenomenon, where actively involved dads are overlooked or minimized by schools, health care providers and other institutions.I refused to accept being invisible. Over the years, I developed strategies for dealing with institutions that overlooked my role as equal co-parent: I attended every school event, demanded to be included in all communications and insisted on being listed as co-primary contact rather than accepting secondary status. Ironically, sporting clubs assumed I was managing game schedules and equipment logistics, while schools often acted like I knew nothing about my children's academics.
But the systemic assumptions went beyond school communications to everyday interactions. The most damaging misconception I encountered was the 'babysitter dad' narrative. One weekend at a playground, a well-meaning parent looked around and said, 'You're here by yourself?' as if caring for my twins alone was some heroic or reckless act. I constantly got that kind of reaction in those early years. People seemed genuinely surprised that I could manage such young children alone, which said more about their assumptions than my capabilities.
Dr. Kathryn Steele, a school psychologist, emphasizes the unique developmental role that fathers have.
'Adolescents see how their dads deal with stress, resolve issues and show empathy,' Steele said. 'For boys in particular, modeling is crucial in helping children learn how to control their emotions. It sends a strong message that love isn't dependent on living conditions when fathers continue to be present after a divorce.'
Holland has witnessed how these stereotypes create psychological damage firsthand, working with confident, capable dads who are undermined by these assumptions.
'I've worked with dozens of fathers who are not only competent but deeply intuitive, emotionally present and actively creating stability for their kids,' Holland said. 'When these men are met with skepticism or dismissal from teachers, doctors, even other parents, it doesn't just hurt their confidence, it puts children in a psychological bind.'
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Aurisha Smolarski, author of 'Cooperative Co-Parenting for Secure Kids,' explains how this impacts families: 'Treating a child's dad who may be as present and active as the mother as a secondary parent perpetuates the narrative that dads are less reliable or less important in their child's life.'
However, the benefits are significant when fathers maintain consistent, engaged relationships post-divorce. Dr. Steele observes that 'children whose fathers remain very active in their lives after separation, have a better ability to solve problems and more control over their emotions. When handled properly, 50/50 custody conveys to children that both adults are really interested in their daily lives.'
The transitions between homes were especially tough for my boys, moving their lives in backpacks every few days. Smolarski offers practical advice for managing these transitions: 'It is OK for two parents to have different parenting styles, but neither parent should undermine or say negative things about the other parent's decisions, choices, or ways they run their household. As a father, tell your child, 'Mom may do things differently, and that's OK. When you are here, this is how we do it.''
The dynamic began to shift when my boys were 8 and I met Cecilia, who relocated from the U.S. to Australia to join our family. Her arrival changed our family dynamic and shifted how others perceived my parenting. She supported my decisions without trying to replace their mother, helping to create a stable, nurturing home.
'If a stepparent can claim their role as a supporter, rather than as a new parent, this will help your child create a relationship with them that is free from a sense of competition or confusion,' said Smolarski. With Cecilia's backing, I noticed small shifts in how schools and doctors interacted with me. Having someone reinforce my role made it easier to challenge the system's bias.
For fathers facing similar challenges, consistency remains crucial. Smolarski advises: 'Even if you don't see eye to eye with your co-parent, remember this is not about you. Creating some level of consistency in and between both homes will help your child grow, do well in school, and be more emotionally balanced.'
Now that my boys are older, we laugh about those early 'Dad dinners' — overboiled pasta and dessert as dinner were regular features. But they appreciated my efforts, which is what mattered most. I'm proud that my persistence as an involved father has paid off. My boys have never doubted that I'm a 'real' parent, not just someone who shows up occasionally. Institutional bias persists, but change begins when fathers refuse to accept being treated as secondary parents and advocate for equal recognition.
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