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Straits Times
a day ago
- General
- Straits Times
Study from Singapore shows the effect of paternity leave on children's development
Mr Keith Low took two weeks of paternity leave when his daughter was born, and four weeks for his son. ST PHOTO: BRIAN TEO Kids do better on tests, have fewer behavioural issues when dads take 2-week paternity leave: Study SINGAPORE – Children grow up with better problem-solving and word-recognition skills, as well as fewer behavioural problems, when their fathers take at least two weeks of paternity leave, a ground-breakin g l ocal study has found. The study is based on data from the ongoing Singapore Longitudinal Early Development Study ( SG-Leads ) of more than 5,000 children. It looked at the families of 3,895 children born since May 1, 2013, when one week of government-paid paternity leave wa s introduced. 'This is the only study worldwide to be able to establish this relationship,' says its principal investigator, Professor Jean Yeung, director (social sciences) at A*Star's Institute for Human Development and Potential. She was assisted by Dr Li Nanxun, a scientist from the institute. The study is unique as it used data from a nationally representative sample of children, and had rigorous controls to rule out factors such as socio-economic and demographic factors, family relations and the effect of domestic helpers and grandparents, Prof Yeung adds. Families were interviewed between 2018 and 2019, when their children were aged three to six, and again in 2021, when the kids were three to eight. The study did not ask fathers if they took paternity leave in a continuous stretch or broke it up. Th e interviewers tested children's academic performance in their homes, using letter-word identification and applied problems skills involving numbers from the fourth edition of the Woodcock-Johnson Tests of Achievement, an international standardised test. C hildren whose fathers took two weeks of paternity leave or more, on average, scored at the 62th percentile on applied problems, compared with the 50th percentile of kids whose fathers did not take any paternity leave. However, Prof Yeung says these figures are before controlling for socio-economic or demographic variables and were not included in the statistical analysis of its research paper published in the Journal of Marriage and Family in March . Families also answered 30 questions about their children's behavioural problems, from externalising ones such as 'being mean to others or deliberately destroying one's own or others' things' , and internalising ones such as 'being too clingy or anxious'. Parents were also asked about the state of their relationship with their kids and their marriage. Mr Keith Low, his wife Jermine and their children, Avril (bottom left), two, and Joaquin, one. Mr Low says he wanted to be a present dad from the start, which is why he took paternity leave for both his kids. ST PHOTO: BRIAN TEO Prof Yeung says paternity leave indirectly contributed to fewer behavioural problems and better test scores since family relationships improved, fathers felt closer to their child, and mothers felt less stressed and reported higher marital satisfaction. She hopes more can be done to encourage workplaces to support paternity leave, particularly for low-income fathers who are less likely to take it. Fifty-three per cent of dads took paternity leave in 2022, and blue-collar workers were least likely to apply for it because of job concerns. Working fathers of Singaporean children who fulfil certain eligibility criteria can now take up to four weeks of government-paid paternity leave. Since April 1, they are also entitled to six weeks of shared paternity leave with their wives, if eligible. 'It's not just about two weeks of time. Fathers who take paternity leave also feel a sense of purpose and responsibility for this new person whom they brought into the world. That sense of fatherhood is critical and has a long-lasting effect,' says Prof Yeung. She is also a professor with the Department of Paediatrics at the Yong Loo Lin School of Medicine an d f ounding director at the National University of Singapore's Centre for Family and Population Research. Ms Sun Xueling, Senior Minister of State for National Development and Transport, calls this 'an important study supporting what we know anecdotally, that strong paternal bonds enhance children's cognitive and socio-emotional development'. She adds: 'Our recent moves to increase paternity leave to four weeks will allow more fathers to spend quality time with their newborns. The Government hopes to work collaboratively with employers to support new parents in their parenthood journey.' Dr Xander Ong says paternity leave is not just a perk for dads, but a critical investment in their child's future. He is seen here with his son, now aged two. PHOTO: COURTESY OF XANDER ONG Concurring, Dr Xander Ong, 41, chief executive of the non-profit Centre for Fathering, says that 'this research highlights that paternity leave is not just a perk, but also a critical investment in their child's future and the marriage'. 'It e ncourages us to rethink the role of fathers, showing that their presence has a measurable and positive impact. For society, we need to collectively support the involvement of fathers, especially during this crucial early childhood period,' he adds. The centre plans to introduce a 1000 Days Programme in 2026 that will provide resources, education and community support to help fathers navigate the critical first thousand days of their child's life. More dads involved from the start Fathers have increasingly become more hands-on parents in recent decades. The KK Women's and Children's Hospital (KKH), where most babies in Singapore are born, sees steady participation from dads in its antenatal programmes, which have actively involved fathers since 1995, says Mr Melvin Tan, its chief communications officer. It works with the Centre for Fathering on its current programme for fathers. Almost half of fathers were present for their child's appointments at KKH's Department of Child Development from 2022 to 2023, says Dr Yeleswarapu Sita Padmini, head of clinical services in the department. More husbands are also asking doctors how to support their wives emotionally in the first weeks after delivery, says Dr Elizabeth Siak, head and consultant in KKH's Women's Mental Wellness Service at the Department of Psychological Medicine. She advises dads to support their wives after labour by taking over household chores, sharing night feeds and ensuring their partner gets enough rest, as well as spotting signs of postnatal depression. 'Just being present and emotionally available can deeply impact a new mother's well-being. This means listening without trying to fix everything, staying calm when things get overwhelming, and watching for signs that she might be struggling emotionally,' she says. Doting dads treasure time with newborns Some companies are also supporting fathers with generous paternity perks. Singapore-based proptech firm PropertyGuru has offered its Singapore employees 16 weeks of paternity leave since October 2023, which matches the Government's maternity leave entitlements. Twelve fathers out of its over 200 staff members here have benefitted from it . 'Our equal maternity and paternity leave policy recognises that childcare is a shared responsibility,' says Ms Helen Snowball, the company's chief people officer. Its paternity leave benefits vary from country to country, depending on local laws. Mr Pedro Pereira says his company's 16-week leave benefit allowed him to better support his wife, Ms Lily Jang, and their daughter, Ines, who was born in December 2023. PHOTO: COURTESY OF PEDRO PEREIRA Mr Pedro Pereira, 42, an engineering director with PropertyGuru, says the extended paternity leave was 'quite a blessing'. He and his wife, Ms Lily Jang, 32, who works in business development for a tech company, struggled with fatigue from looking after their daughter soon after she was born in December 2023. While they had a confinement nanny, the couple – who are Singapore permanent residents – were their baby's main caregivers. Mr Pereira would take on night duties, while his wife and the nanny slept. 'Being present during the labour and then seeing your child in those first weeks creates an affinity – you want to be involved in every moment. Since I've gone through this experience, I can understand why it would have such a positive impact (as the study shows),' he says. Some self-employed dads say they gladly took extended time off when their children were born. Mr Keith Low, 36, an associate director of financial advisory firm Finexis Advisory, took two weeks of paternity leave after his daughter was born in 2022 and four weeks for his son, who was born in 2024. He would also stay up for night feeds to let his wife recuperate. 'You may miss a promotion for the year, but it is better than missing your infant's first moments in this world,' says Mr Low, whose parents' divorce when he was 12 left him wondering if he could be a good father. 'B eing involved doesn't stop after paternity leave. It is what we consistently do for the children before their teenage years that will also lead to them being better people in future.' Besides bonding with their newborns, fathers say paternity leave gives them a chance to rekindle their relationship with their wives. Mr Pereira says: 'Childbirth was not easy for her, and neither was the lack of sleep from the constant feedings. To have your partner reassuring you and making you feel loved, goes a long way in the recovery process.' Emcee and part-time 91.3 radio DJ Kyle Ravin says taking two months of paternity leave allowed him to 'fall in love' with his wife, Ms Natasha Vijaya, all over again. Their daughter, Nicolette, was born in April 2024. PHOTO: COURTESY OF KYLE RAVIN Emcee and part-time 91.3 radio DJ Kyle Ravin, 36, whose daughter was born in April 2024, adds: 'Taking paternity leave allowed me to fall in love with my wife more.' He stopped work a couple of weeks before his baby was due and took a total of two months off. He and his wife, public relations account director Natasha Vijaya, 30, chose to care for their newborn by themselves, with minimal supervision from her mother during the first two weeks. That shared suffering through sleepless nights to bring up their child the way they wanted brought them closer. He says: 'Paternity leave was another honeymoon with my wife because it showed us that we are good teammates an d p artners.' Stephanie Yeo is senior correspondent at The Straits Times' Life section. Join ST's Telegram channel and get the latest breaking news delivered to you.
Time of India
04-06-2025
- Health
- Time of India
Parents experience greater meaning in life, study confirms
Representative Image (AI-generated) I once heard someone say, "Having a child is like outsourcing a vital organ that runs around outside all by itself and climbs trees." Having a child is as fascinating and meaningful as it can also be worrying and exhausting. A new study on parental satisfaction confirms this apparent contradiction. Compared to people who are childfree , parents feel their lives are more fulfilled. However, parents are not more satisfied with their lives than non-parents. On the contrary: they are often more dissatisfied. These are the findings of the sociologists Marita Jacob and Ansgar Hudde from the University of Cologne , published this month in the specialist Journal of Marriage and Family. The researchers based their study on data from the European Social Survey, which had more than 43,000 respondents from 30 countries. Jacob and Hudde determined that, regardless of nationality or social status, both mothers and fathers felt that their lives had a deeper meaning. Sponsored Links Sponsored Links Promoted Links Promoted Links You May Like Start Here - 2025 Top Trend Local network access control Esseps Learn More Undo But the same was not true of their satisfaction with their lives. This depended to a large extent not only on the respondent's living situation, but also on family policy in their country. And the difference was gendered: Mothers' life satisfaction levels were lower than those of fathers. Scandinavia: Hardly any difference between parents and childfree: "Parents in challenging life situations are less satisfied," says Marita Jacob, a sociology professor at the University of Cologne. Challenging might mean, for example, that they are a single parent, young, with low educational qualifications. Hardly surprising, you might think, that they are less satisfied. But Jacob says it is not inevitable. "In Scandinavian countries , the differences between social groups are far less pronounced," she says. In these countries, the difference in life satisfaction between parents and child-free people is also far less than, for example, in central and eastern Europe. Childcare, financial support for parents, parental leave — these family policy measures work very well in the Scandinavian countries, says Jacob. "My speculation is that these measures impact on society as a whole, meaning that children are not seen solely as their parents' problem, but as a responsibility for the community as a whole." This attitude is also reflected in Scandinavian business culture, Jacob says. She explains that it is more normal there for parents to start and leave work early, as well as for important meetings to be scheduled around the rhythm of family life. Greater gender equality leads to greater satisfaction: Family life is still primarily taken care of by women. In Germany, one in two women reduces her working hours in order to be able to look after her children. Just under 6 per cent of German men who work part-time do so for family reasons. The majority of parental leave in Germany is also taken by mothers. Another factor that may help to explain why parents in Finland are more satisfied than parents in Germany is gender equality. Equal pay in the Scandinavian countries, and a smaller gender pay gap as a result, means women there are more satisfied, says Jacob. She adds that this also has positive effects on the partnership, and thus also on the family. "A child is not a project you can manage all by yourself": Marita Jacob says that when her children were small, she banded together with other parents. "We would each always pick up several children from the kindergarten." Anyone who has small children knows that an extra half-hour, or half an hour less, can absolutely determine whether or not the day will end in a nervous breakdown. This is why Jacob recommends that parents should not only offer each other more support, but should also accept it when offered. Children are important — not only to counterbalance our ageing society, which won't be able to look after all its senior citizens without a young generation. As Marita Jacob stresses: "Children also have intrinsic value. They bring liveliness, new ideas and innovations to society." This is why the sociologist believes that the bulk of the responsibility for them lies with policymakers. "Children shouldn't be their parents' problem when childcare is unreliable or there are problems with the school," she says. "Children are the responsibility of society as a whole."
DW
02-06-2025
- General
- DW
Parents experience greater meaning in life, study confirms – DW – 06/01/2025
A new study confirms what many parents already knew: children give life meaning. The price that parents pay is lower life satisfaction, especially for mothers — but some countries fare better than others. I once heard someone say, "Having a child is like outsourcing a vital organ that runs around outside all by itself and climbs trees." Having a child is as fascinating and meaningful as it can also be worrying and exhausting. A new study on parental satisfaction confirms this apparent contradiction. Compared to people who are childfree, parents feel their lives are more fulfilled. However, parents are not more satisfied with their lives than non-parents. On the contrary: they are often more dissatisfied. These are the findings of the sociologists Marita Jacob and Ansgar Hudde from the University of Cologne, published this month in the specialist Journal of Marriage and Family. The researchers based their study on data from the European Social Survey, which had more than 43,000 respondents from 30 countries. Are kids in Germany really more independent? To view this video please enable JavaScript, and consider upgrading to a web browser that supports HTML5 video Jacob and Hudde determined that, regardless of nationality or social status, both mothers and fathers felt that their lives had a deeper meaning. But the same was not true of their satisfaction with their lives. This depended to a large extent not only on the respondent's living situation, but also on family policy in their country. And the difference was gendered: Mothers' life satisfaction levels were lower than those of fathers. Scandinavia: Hardly any difference between parents and childfree "Parents in challenging life situations are less satisfied," says Marita Jacob, a sociology professor at the University of Cologne. Challenging might mean, for example, that they are a single parent, young, with low educational qualifications. Hardly surprising, you might think, that they are less satisfied. But Jacob says it is not inevitable. "In Scandinavian countries, the differences between social groups are far less pronounced," she says. In these countries, the difference in life satisfaction between parents and child-free people is also far less than, for example, in central and eastern Europe. Childcare, financial support for parents, parental leave — these family policy measures work very well in the Scandinavian countries, says Jacob. "My speculation is that these measures impact on society as a whole, meaning that children are not seen solely as their parents' problem, but as a responsibility for the community as a whole." This attitude is also reflected in Scandinavian business culture, Jacob says. She explains that it is more normal there for parents to start and leave work early, as well as for important meetings to be scheduled around the rhythm of family life. Greater gender equality leads to greater satisfaction Family life is still primarily taken care of by women. In Germany, one in two women reduces her working hours in order to be able to look after her children. Just under 6% of German men who work part-time do so for family reasons. The majority of parental leave in Germany is also taken by mothers. Egg donation in Europe — going abroad for a baby , To view this video please enable JavaScript, and consider upgrading to a web browser that supports HTML5 video Another factor that may help to explain why parents in Finland are more satisfied than parents in Germany is gender pay in the Scandinavian countries, and a smaller gender pay gap as a result, means women there are more satisfied, says Jacob. She adds that this also has positive effects on the partnership, and thus also on the family. "A child is not a project you can manage all by yourself" Marita Jacob says that when her children were small, she banded together with other parents. "We would each always pick up several children from the kindergarten." Anyone who has small children knows that an extra half-hour, or half an hour less, can absolutely determine whether or not the day will end in a nervous breakdown. This is why Jacob recommends that parents should not only offer each other more support, but should also accept it when offered. Children are important — not only to counterbalance our ageing society, which won't be able to look after all its senior citizens without a young generation. As Marita Jacob stresses: "Children also have intrinsic value. They bring liveliness, new ideas and innovations to society." This is why the sociologist believes that the bulk of the responsibility for them lies with policymakers. "Children shouldn't be their parents' problem when childcare is unreliable ,or there are problems with the school," she says. "Children are the responsibility of society as a whole." This article has been translated from German.
DW
01-06-2025
- General
- DW
Parenthood in Europe: Less life satisfaction, more meaning – DW – 06/01/2025
A new study confirms what many parents already knew: Children give life meaning. The price that parents pay is lower life satisfaction, especially for mothers — but some countries fare better than others. I once heard someone say, "Having a child is like outsourcing a vital organ that runs around outside all by itself and climbs trees." Having a child is as fascinating and meaningful as it can also be worrying and exhausting. A new study on parental satisfaction confirms this apparent contradiction. Compared to people who are childfree, parents feel their lives are more fulfilled. However, parents are not more satisfied with their lives than non-parents. On the contrary: they are often more dissatisfied. These are the findings of the sociologists Marita Jacob and Ansgar Hudde from the University of Cologne, published this month in the specialist Journal of Marriage and Family. The researchers based their study on data from the European Social Survey, which had more than 43,000 respondents from 30 countries. Are kids in Germany really more independent? To view this video please enable JavaScript, and consider upgrading to a web browser that supports HTML5 video Jacob and Hudde determined that, regardless of nationality or social status, both mothers and fathers felt that their lives had a deeper meaning. But the same was not true of their satisfaction with their lives. This depended to a large extent not only on the respondent's living situation, but also on family policy in their country. And the difference was gendered: Mothers' life satisfaction levels were lower than those of fathers. Scandinavia: Hardly any difference between parents and childfree "Parents in challenging life situations are less satisfied," says Marita Jacob, a sociology professor at the University of Cologne. Challenging might mean, for example, that they are a single parent, young, with low educational qualifications. Hardly surprising, you might think, that they are less satisfied. But Jacob says it is not inevitable. "In Scandinavian countries, the differences between social groups are far less pronounced," she says. In these countries, the difference in life satisfaction between parents and child-free people is also far less than, for example, in central and eastern Europe. Childcare, financial support for parents, parental leave — these family policy measures work very well in the Scandinavian countries, says Jacob. "My speculation is that these measures impact on society as a whole, meaning that children are not seen solely as their parents' problem, but as a responsibility for the community as a whole." This attitude is also reflected in Scandinavian business culture, Jacob says. She explains that it is more normal there for parents to start and leave work early, as well as for important meetings to be scheduled around the rhythm of family life. Greater gender equality leads to greater satisfaction Family life is still primarily taken care of by women. In Germany, one in two women reduces her working hours in order to be able to look after her children. Just under 6% of German men who work part-time do so for family reasons. The majority of parental leave in Germany is also taken by mothers. Egg donation in Europe — going abroad for a baby , To view this video please enable JavaScript, and consider upgrading to a web browser that supports HTML5 video Another factor that may help to explain why parents in Finland are more satisfied than parents in Germany is gender pay in the Scandinavian countries, and a smaller gender pay gap as a result, means women there are more satisfied, says Jacob. She adds that this also has positive effects on the partnership, and thus also on the family. "A child is not a project you can manage all by yourself" Marita Jacob says that when her children were small, she banded together with other parents. "We would each always pick up several children from the kindergarten." Anyone who has small children knows that an extra half-hour, or half an hour less, can absolutely determine whether or not the day will end in a nervous breakdown. This is why Jacob recommends that parents should not only offer each other more support, but should also accept it when offered. Children are important — not only to counterbalance our ageing society, which won't be able to look after all its senior citizens without a young generation. As Marita Jacob stresses: "Children also have intrinsic value. They bring liveliness, new ideas and innovations to society." This is why the sociologist believes that the bulk of the responsibility for them lies with policymakers. "Children shouldn't be their parents' problem when childcare is unreliable ,or there are problems with the school," she says. "Children are the responsibility of society as a whole." This article has been translated from German.
USA Today
30-04-2025
- Health
- USA Today
Chronic illness can be hard on marriage. Studies show it's worse when the wife is sick.
Chronic illness can be hard on marriage. Studies show it's worse when the wife is sick. Show Caption Hide Caption Lung cancer survival rates are increasing, but disparities remain New data from the American Lung Association shows an increase in survival rates for lung cancer patients jumping 22% over the last five years. Scripps News Jennifer Whitlock married her husband, Ronnie Whitlock, in rural Texas in 2021, weeks after he was diagnosed with stage 4 blood cancer. They'd talked about getting married before he got sick, she said, but it came down to logistics: Her employer at the time wouldn't grant Whitlock family leave unless they officially tied the knot. 'That was obviously never how I expected to get married," Whitlock said. For the next year, Whitlock balanced working full time with taking care of her husband. They never were able to get back to a 'normal relationship,' she said. While there were bright spots, Whitlock said she called her mother nearly every day and cried. She started going to therapy to help with the grief and stress of caring for the man she loved, who was withering away. Ronnie Whitlock died in March 2022. More: 'I don't know where to start.' Parents and caregivers are burned out. Who's most at risk? 'I loved him,' Whitlock said. 'And I knew that if the shoe were on the other foot, he would do the same for me.' That's not always the case. While many couples power through difficult times, when one partner falls ill, the other takes up more responsibility. The mental toll of caregiving, the shift in household chores, the financial stress and the heartbreak of watching a loved one grow weak is too much for some to bear. The vow 'in sickness and in health' sometimes isn't as strong as some couples might think − particularly if the woman is the one who gets sick, according to a recent study. In February, researchers in Italy published a new report in the Journal of Marriage and Family. The study looked at the risk of divorce in European couples 50 and older. It found that in couples aged 50-64, there was a higher risk of divorce if the woman reported poor self-rated health or faced severe activity limitations and the man maintained good health, compared to couples where both parties were in good health. The same risk did not increase when the man experienced poor self-rated health or activity limitations. Giammarco Alderotti, one of the Italian researches who authored the report, said caregiving stress "plays the most important role here," especially if a caregiver's spouse has severe health issues or disabilities that require a lot of attention. 'One of the two partners, the healthy partner, needs to change completely their life and their routine," Alderotti said. A 2009 study published by the American Cancer Society found divorce rates among patients with cancer and multiple sclerosis weren't generally high, but that divorce rates among female patients were significantly higher than male patients. In 88% of the divorces reported in that study, the woman was the ill partner. The study also found patients who stayed married fared better overall, and patients who separated had greater use of antidepressants, less participation in clinical trials, more frequent hospitalizations and other negative consequences. Family caregivers are extremely valuable and outcomes are worse for patients without partners or caregivers, said Dr. Arif Kamal, chief patient officer for the American Cancer Society. He believes cancer care needs to include care for the patient's partner, especially since cancer diagnoses are becoming more common in younger adults and people with cancer are living longer thanks to new treatments. 'I don't think that cancer automatically means that relationships are going to be strained," Kamal said. "I think it means that we have to think about the cancer journey as a shared journey. And we've spent many decades defining it as the journey of a patient who happens to have a bystander who's the caregiver.' A study published in 2015 in the Journal of Health and Social Behavior also found that marriages were more likely to end when the wife got sick than when the husband got sick, but the study was retracted due to a coding error and later corrected and republished. That's led to some questions on the validity of this phenomenon. Lena Nguyen, a family lawyer based in Texas, said she's seen more divorces stem from a wife falling ill than a husband falling ill in her practice, though each situation is unique. 'I think that society plays a role in it," Nguyen said. "We often assign women as primary caregivers. And when those roles are reversed, I think couples really struggle with that adjustment.' They both had cancer. Now, they're getting divorced. But what if both individuals in a marriage suffer from cancer diagnoses? That's what happened to Jamil Rivers and Fredric Rivers, a couple in New Jersey with three children. Fredric Rivers was diagnosed with liver disease in high school but was asymptomatic until he was 28. At that point, he and Jamil Rivers had been dating for a few years and were living together. He got a liver transplant in 2009 and they were married in 2011. Eight months later, he was diagnosed with colon cancer. In 2018, Jamil Rivers was diagnosed with stage 4 metastatic breast cancer. And in 2019, Fredric Rivers was diagnosed with kidney cancer. The Rivers family has been featured by multiple news outlets over the years, sharing a story of hope and love. In a 2019 People magazine article, Jamil Rivers said: "We remind ourselves that we are lucky in some ways and that we will get through this. Family is everything." But in April, the couple told USA TODAY they're getting a divorce and that they had hardly spoken to each other in person in 10 months, despite still living in the same house. Fredric Rivers has been living in the basement, and since June the couple has mostly communicated through emails and texts. Jamil Rivers was the breadwinner for the family and worked all through her cancer treatment and chemotherapy. Fredric Rivers worked on and off while he was sick and collected disability checks. Jamil Rivers said she supported her husband "with whatever he needed," even when she was sick, too. No one, she said, was taking care of her. "I didn't want him to have to worry about taking care of me, that's how I rationalized it in my mind at the time,' she said. 'So, I think the fact that he was just still present, you know, he thought that he was being supportive.' Fredric Rivers said the same about his wife, that "she was there, physically," but that he couldn't lean on her for emotional support. People have different definitions of what "taking care" is, he said. Fredric Rivers said he rubbed her back when she was sick, drove her to some of her appointments and procedures and reminded her she was still beautiful after she lost her hair due to chemotherapy. 'I did everything I could to make sure that she was good and that she was OK and that she had the support that she needed to succeed, and I kind of resigned myself to just, you know, whatever she can give me, I'll be OK with," he said. Marital troubles often arise from different values and priorities in dealing with a cancer diagnosis, Kamal said. One partner might think about logistics: appointments, medications and next steps for treatment. The other might think about big picture impacts of the illness, like how it will change their family dynamics. Both might avoid hard conversations, he said, like what happens if the sick partner dies. That creates more space between couples, as their relationship becomes secondary to curing the cancer. Both Jamil Rivers and Fredric Rivers said their marriage had issues outside of their diagnoses. 'Now, granted, these things are stressors that, they didn't help any of that at all,' Fredric Rivers said. 'But where we are is probably where we would have ended up eventually, anyway, whether we were diagnosed with cancer or not.' What is 'cancer ghosting?' Support for spouses, other family caregivers is key Sick people need caregivers. And a caregiver's role is "very emotionally taxing," Whitlock said. 'People will say, 'you're so strong,' 'you're so brave.' You don't feel like you're any of those things when it's happening," Whitlock said. 'You just get up every day and keep doing the things that you need to do." Spouses of ill partners need workplace protection, paid family leave and generally more information on how to navigate caregiving, Nguyen said. The medical and caregiving communities should also have more conversations on how caregiving impacts marriages. Whitlock said she found a new job with Guardant Health that offered better benefits for caregivers, and said she found a lot of support through Facebook groups for caregivers and cancer patients. 'I don't think that many couples realize the emotional toll that it can take on them until they are in the middle of it," Nguyen said. That's why Kamal includes his cancer patients' partners in conversations about their care and quality of life. He said it's not uncommon for relationship strain to come up in those conversations, as finances, physical intimacy and emotional connection can suffer when one partner becomes ill. The caregiver partner can feel a consistent stress to keep it together during that time, which can last decades. At the same time, Kamal said, other people in the couple's life − friends, extended family, coworkers and other acquaintances − "might have moved on." Kamal calls this "cancer ghosting." The patient might feel a lot of social support in the beginning of their cancer journey, but as people lose interest or grow distant, they can feel abandoned. Caregivers get ghosted, too, Kamal said. They might feel supported right after their loved one is diagnosed, with offers for meal trains and time to vent to their friends. But after a while, those offers dwindle or halt altogether. Add in divorce, and "that extended social support system tends to unravel," said Ann Gold Buscho, a clinical psychologist. Don't make big decisions during a health crisis, psychologist says Buscho said she's helped several clients through divorce and illness, and both. There's a lot of guilt and resentment in divorce, she said, and when you add in a layer of sickness it becomes a moral dilemma, especially for the person who isn't sick. "If you're in an unhappy marriage and you know that the marriage isn't working out, and then there's a diagnosis, the cultural judgement is going to be that you're leaving because of this diagnosis," she said. But there may have been other upsetting or even dangerous things happening in the marriage before the illness, like physical or emotional abuse. Outside of an abusive situation, Buscho said partners of recently diagnosed patients should do some self-reflection about their expectations, boundaries and capacity to provide support to their spouse. "I think an impulsive decision would be a huge mistake," Buscho said. When someone in a partnership is diagnosed with cancer or another life-altering disease, Buscho said, the couple should talk through myriad topics, from finances to the impact on kids in the household. How is this going to affect your lives? Do you need to downsize? Should you seek counseling? What supports can you draw on? The couple will need to talk about support for the caregiver spouse, too, Buscho said, since burnout is common among family caregivers and sometimes caregivers feel some shame in seeking support. "They can't be good caregivers unless they get the support that they need," Buscho said. 'Many women come out of this a lot stronger.' Nguyen said some of her clients realized they wanted a divorce during their health issues, based on "the way that they were treated during their illness," and sought divorce after they regained their strength. Divorce after an illness is always "incredibly heartbreaking," she said. "But I also believe that it is a new chance and it's a new opportunity to kind of redefine your life and you get to do it on your own terms," Nguyen said. "And I do think that many women come out of this a lot stronger. You start to realize your strength, actually. You become a lot more independent, and then I find that a lot of my clients have, like, this renewed sense of purpose in life.' Jamil Rivers has felt this renewed strength. When Fredric Rivers told her he wanted a divorce, she said she tried to turn things around for a while but that she felt he "had already checked out" of their marriage. Now, she said she doesn't think the cancer had anything to do with it. The divorce was like a grenade to her finances, she said. She's been late on her recent house and car payments. Still, she said, "cancer is clarifying" and her illness made her "appreciate how much time we have." 'Of course there's nothing wrong with loving your family, loving your partner, you know, doing everything that you can for them – but make sure it's reciprocal,' she said. 'Make sure that you can receive love and care, too.' Madeline Mitchell's role covering women and the caregiving economy at USA TODAY is supported by a partnership with Pivotal Ventures and Journalism Funding Partners. Funders do not provide editorial input. Reach Madeline at memitchell@ and @maddiemitch_ on X.
