Latest news with #KierGaines
Yahoo
15-05-2025
- Health
- Yahoo
Couples Therapy Could Completely Transform Your Relationship
If you've been lucky enough to find your partner in life, you probably have an entire list of things you love to do together — activities that enrich your relationship, solidify your bond, and keep you on the right track. We've got one more to add: Seeing a therapist. Whether you're dealing with one of the most common relationship problems or you think things are working pretty well right now, the reality is that every couple can benefit from working with someone who's trained in unpacking your emotional baggage and facilitating healthy debate without unnecessary aggression. Mental health professionals have a keen eye for the signs of a healthy relationship, and they also act as unbiased observers who can diffuse tension you may not even realize you're causing. (Plus, their work is utterly fascinating, which is why we're glued to series like Showtime's Couples Therapy, which pulls back the curtain on this intimate process.) In observation of Mental Health Awareness Month, we're looking back at a 2022 conversation with licensed therapist Kier Gaines, who shares the scoop on this potentially relationship-saving practice. (Gaines has previously given us the lowdown on what you should know before trying therapy and how to recognize when your work is paying off.) 'There is this fear deep within some people that, 'If I go to marital counseling, I'm going to get a divorce, or maybe we'll break up, or maybe things will happen in my marriage and my relationship will go downhill,' and I completely disagree,' Gaines says. The truth is it's always the right time to see a couples therapist. Their professional expertise is just as valuable to couples who are preparing to make a big decision, like getting married or having a child, as it is to those who are in crisis or considering a split. Gaines has personal experience with this from both sides of the equation. In addition to helping his own clients navigate relationship issues, he and his wife benefited greatly from seeing a therapist together before walking down the aisle. 'The best thing that my fiancée — now wife — and I ever did was go to premarital counseling,' he says. 'It taught us that the issues we had with each other actually had nothing to do with the other person. It was about our stuff from the past, our relationships with our parents, and our former relationships. All of that stuff that didn't exist within the circle of us was infecting the circle of us.' It worked so well, in fact, that they're currently planning another round of visits. 'My wife and I haven't gone to therapy in a year, but we're about to start going back,' he says. 'It's not because anything is wrong. Our marriage is actually great. It's because we want to keep it great. We want to make sure that we're dealing with a new baby and new jobs and new responsibilities in a way that is healthy and equally supportive of both parties in the relationship.' You've heard the old saying that there are three sides to every story: Your side, my side, and the truth. In the case of couples in a committed relationship, each person's unique perspective — including their early life experiences, the things they learned from previous partners, and the patterns they've observed in the current relationship — make it difficult to see a disagreement from their mate's point of view. 'There's nothing like an impartial party in the room that two people can both give their perspective to, and that person can give clarity to the situation, allow both people to have voices, and give you the means to have conflict with one another and figure it out yourselves,' Gaines says. In the heat of the moment during a period of relationship stress, it can often be near impossible to take a step back and logically examine what's happening, which causes us to miss important cues in our partner's behavior — and many times, the most fundamental part of their message is hiding between the lines of what they're saying. A trained therapist can observe from a helpful remove, which allows for much greater clarity about what's really going on. In fact, part of your therapist's job is to take their personal opinions out of the equation — which is, of course, the opposite of what the two halves of the couple in question are meant to be doing. And that personal distance is exactly what allows them to illuminate the pathway to more productive communication. 'In therapy, you'll learn the tools to not just vent your frustrations at one another, but talk to each other in a way that the other person can understand what you're feeling and help you problem-solve,' Gaines says. 'When you're pissed off or when you have kids — when marriage is what it really is, and not the happy fantasy that people try to pretend it is — it's important to have somebody help you navigate all of that.' So many partners bond through their faith and come to better understand one another through the context of their beliefs. But ideally, religion-oriented solutions should be one piece of a bigger puzzle when it comes to dealing with your mental health as individuals and as a couple. 'It's important to say that even though in our religious communities we have counselors who do an amazing job, if you do see a religious counselor, I suggest that you also see a licensed clinician, like a licensed marriage and family therapist,' Gaines recommends. While members of your church offer deeply valuable insight into how your beliefs can help you make sense of the struggles within your relationship, they're not necessarily trained in understanding the behavioral nuances of how a couple communicates or how their personal quirks might influence the dynamic between them. 'Pastors and religious leaders have great skills and they're able to take the word and the theory of religion and spirituality and apply it, but there are specific clinical interventions that therapists are trained on and they're not, and those can come in handy in your relationship,' he says. The post Couples Therapy Could Completely Transform Your Relationship appeared first on Katie Couric Media.
Yahoo
15-05-2025
- Health
- Yahoo
How to Tell Your Therapy is Working, According to a Therapist
If you've ever had a friend or family member who had a successful experience in therapy, you've probably heard them talk about the positive changes they've made and the mental clarity they've achieved. But what does 'making progress' with a therapist actually look like in your day-to-day life? In observation of Mental Health Awareness Month, we're looking back at a 2022 conversation with Kier Gaines, a licensed therapist and a fount of wisdom about how to get your mental health on track. He's previously told us what you should know before starting therapy, and this week he weighs in on how you'll see yourself change during the process — and why it's important to lay it all out there in your sessions, including the things you're most ashamed of. First things first: It's essential to appropriately set your expectations. As powerful and life-changing as therapy can be, it most likely won't solve every single problem you're dealing with — and the changes you will see won't happen overnight. 'You can't think of change as a jump from 0 to 500. Your therapist is going to help you understand that change is a jump from 0 to .001,' Gaines says. 'That's still change, and it's amazing.' But one thing that may surprise you is how far back you'll need to go as you investigate the reasons behind what's bothering you in the present. Gaines tells us many clients come to therapy aiming to work on a specific problem, which could be anything from dealing with a bad breakup to struggling with addiction, but the progress happens when you begin to understand the things that got you there in the first place. 'Whatever you think you're going into the room to solve, that may not be where the conversation starts,' Gaines says. 'We may start talking about something that contributed to that. We may start talking about your early childhood experiences. We may start talking about how your grandfather might have struggled with similar things, and those warning signs are there, and there may even be something genetic in your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.' The reality is that our memories, experiences, and personal hang-ups make up what amounts to a 'gigantic ball of yarn' in our brains, and Gaines says the real accomplishment you'll make in therapy is untangling it all and understanding how your past influences what's happening to you right now. 'Maybe you start with 'I get anxious when people raise their voices,' and we talk about that. And as we unravel that string, so much stuff comes out, and you never really know what it's going to be,' he says. 'But when something falls out of the closet, we tackle it. It's one thing to expect to have a certain conversation when you go in. It's a different thing when you're experiencing words coming out of your mouth about past experiences that maybe you didn't even remember or you never verbalized out loud.' Your therapist won't expect you to be an open book about the most sensitive parts of your inner life as soon as you walk through the door. These trained professionals understand that their relationship with you needs time to grow. But getting to a place of wholehearted trust with your therapist unlocks benefits that can completely change how you see the world. 'The things you're ashamed of within yourself, about things you've done or things you think — you hold them secret because you think these things make you a bad person,' Gaines explains. 'I encourage you to share them once you feel comfortable in a therapeutic relationship because your therapist is like a mirror. You're able to see yourself in a very different way when someone with this training, this knowledge, and this experience holds it right in front of you.' You'll know your therapist is working for you when you find yourself trusting them enough to go there in a way you wouldn't with other people in your life. And when you do, you'll be met with a great reward — what Gaines describes as 'literally the safest space you'll ever be in with a person who you didn't grow up with.' But just as your therapist is there to challenge you, you shouldn't be afraid to challenge them, either. Complete and total honesty is the only worthwhile way to approach this kind of intimate relationship. 'Sometimes we have to pause the session and say, 'Hold on. Is the energy weird? Is something different?'' Gaines tells us. 'I told a client one time, 'I feel like you're upset with me for some reason.' She said, 'Yes, you totally pissed me off the last session.' We spent an entire hour talking about that, we got to the bottom of it, and it was an amazing session.' Now that we've talked about what therapeutic progress looks like and how to stay on the right path, how exactly does this change generally manifest once you've done the work to make it happen? 'It comes out in your interactions in real life when things are fear-inducing or anxiety-inducing,' Gaines explains. 'Instead of panicking and reacting, you're able to step back and observe your emotions, as opposed to being a passenger to them.' To make that idea concrete, imagine that you're having an issue with your mother, and every time you bring up those concerns with her, she gets defensive and shuts down, which leaves you feeling emotionally low. Your therapist will explore that reaction with you and interrogate why your interactions with your mother set you off. That could include questions like: What does 'feeling low' mean for you? What are the warning signs that you're headed in that emotional direction? What hole are you trying to fill when you ask your mother for something she's not giving you? And what do you need to feel OK? Being able to independently investigate your own wants and needs and assess them in the context of what's actually available to you is a sign that your conversations with your therapist are paying off — and that you've achieved a heightened emotional awareness that will allow you to navigate those problems on your own. 'It's not so much that you'll hear your therapist's voice in your head outside of the office,' Gaines says. 'It's that you'll find parallels to the conversations you have in that room, and you see them unfolding in your actual life.' The post How to Tell Your Therapy is Working, According to a Therapist appeared first on Katie Couric Media.
Buzz Feed
05-02-2025
- Entertainment
- Buzz Feed
"Get Away From The Kids, Man": 45 Million People Watched This Dad Protect His Wife's Mental Health By Setting Boundaries Between Her And Their Kids
Family dynamics can be tricky. So, when father and licensed therapist Kier Gaines, known as @kiergaines on Instagram and TikTok, shared a video dismantling the internet's perception of how a healthy family should communicate, people immediately started waving green flags. In a video viewed by more than 43 million people, Kier is in the kitchen when he notices his daughter entering a room his wife is in. "Boo Boo, give mommy some space, OK?" he said. However, his daughter responds, "OK, I just wanted to ask her a question." "I know. Let's give her a little privacy. Let's give her a moment," he continued. "You know how sometimes you go up in your room and you don't want to be bothered, and we give you your space? I think everybody in the house needs that sometimes, what you think?" he asked. Later in the video, Kier's wife offers to help him in the kitchen, but he basically tells her to enjoy time away from their kids while she still can. In the video's caption, Kier wrote, "Before starting a family, I had no idea that: 1. I would have to save my wife from the kids so often. I don't care how involved you are, kids want their mommy, and boundaries are constantly having to be enforced." "2. I'd have to save my wife from needlessly taking on responsibilities when she legit does not have to. 3. The exhaustion that I felt in college was just level 10 out of infinity. This is another level 😂 4. You spend endless hours cleaning, only for it to look that way again in six hours. Three hours if they're home all day. 5. How… Much… Money… It… Costs!!!! 6. 'Go take a break' is a love language. 7. How much joy fills your house with all the different personalities bouncing off one another. 8. I'd appreciate my partner not fighting me when I advise her to take a break. Makes it a more comfortable place to share perspectives candidly. 9. and 10. See number five." "sis he was on the front line in the trenches like 'SAVE YOURSELF' as a single mom, I love the intention in this partnership." Many parents related to the challenge of enforcing boundaries in their households. "I gotta be like a bouncer so mommy gets space from the baby," this person shared. "Oh how I wish my partner could see that I'm a human being with needs BEFORE I get to the point of complete breakdown," this person said. "I want people to know how much communication this takes. It doesn't always just 'happen,'" this person shared. In an interview with BuzzFeed, Kier shared that he and his wife of five years, Noemie, are still working on healthy communication. "We fail at it often," he said. "We just got good at this four years ago, and I can see more and more improvement every year." While he was surprised by the overwhelming reaction to the video, he said he wasn't surprised that people could relate to it or wanted to be able to relate to it. "I understand that many people don't feel adequately supported in their partnerships, and this perhaps represents some of the dynamics they'd like to see in their relationships." "On the other hand, men are socially framed as selfish, unaware, and incompetent. This video challenged that stereotype without being scripted or staged. I'm not a unicorn, just horribly underrepresented," he said. Gaines shared what often keeps families from achieving effective communication. "I've noticed that people have a distorted idea of communication. They desire the part where they convey a message, the other person receives it, and acts on it in a way that makes them feel heard and whole." "[However,] they shy away from the part where they have to hear uncomfortable criticism without getting their lick back or [having to] repeat themselves for the hundredth time without blaming and guilting their partner or kids. Everyone enjoys smelling and eating bacon, but making it is the bloody process we have the luxury of avoiding," he said. Ultimately, in his experience, the biggest misconception about having healthy communication within a family unit is "that being hurt precludes you from being wrong. Your feelings are always valid, but how you express them can still be unhelpful to progress. Sometimes, you're the problem!" he declared. The advice he wishes he had before starting a family could also help other people working on bettering their family's communication. "The things that are good for the collective may not feel good for you as an individual," he said. Instagram: @kiergaines / Via
