19 hours ago
Summer bummer: Vacations spell trouble for parents as siblings battle it out
Juhu mom Krishna Modi dreads the annual summer vacation from school. Apart from the fact that her kids are 'too free', it is also the busiest season for her home-based business. Whenever Modi, who makes freeze dried food packets for travellers, is talking to clients, a fight inevitably breaks out between her six-year-old daughter Mishka and three-year-old son Mahir leading to a lot of screaming.
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Modi has no choice but to hang up and run to the kids' room to quieten them. 'It is so embarrassing,' says the 36-year-old. 'Sometimes, their fights disrupt my work two-three times a day. I long for school to reopen.'
Modi's struggle is similar to that of many parents with two or more kids. As schools close for the summer break in May-June, testing times begin for moms and dads who have to deal with constant bickering ('Don't touch my iPad' or 'He broke my pencil') and even physical fights (hair pulling, pinching and punching).
Many parents feel overwhelmed by the pressure to constantly mediate and keep the home peaceful. Some even suffer extreme exhaustion and burnout as they also have to carry on with business as usual despite the volatile situation at home, say psychologists.
'I can't tell my boss that my kids are home for the next 45 days and at each other's throats, so I can't turn in my reports on time,' says content writer Akansha Sinha.
Delhi-based counselling psychologist Upasana Chaddha Vij often comes across families that are struggling because of sibling rivalry without even realising it. More often than not, she says, the parents come to her to seek counselling for one child's behavioural issues. 'Many parents approach me because they feel one of their kids is very aggressive or emotionally bullies the sibling. On probing, we figure that the underlying problem is sibling rivalry,' she says.
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Favouritism at fault
Parent coach Piya Marker believes that sibling rivalry is, to a great extent, caused by parents. 'A rival is somebody with whom you're fighting for the same prize or the same thing. And in the case of kids, it is usually validation or approval of the parents. If a child feels that my dad prefers my sibling to me, then that sibling becomes your competitor,' she says.
While parents like to believe and claim that they love all their kids equally, that is rarely the case, say experts.
A recent study published in the journal Psychological Bulletin found that parents tend to give preferential treatment to daughters, older children and kids who are more conscientious or agreeable. The researchers, from Brigham Young University in the US and Western University in Canada, analysed data from studies of nearly 20,000 participants and revealed that the less favoured siblings ended up with lower self-worth and more problematic behaviours.
Mental health professionals say parents also have a tendency to favour the child whose personality and interests match with theirs. 'Often one of our kids is just like us and gets us, so the parent unconsciously has a soft spot for that child. This is very dangerous because it makes the other child feel left out and wronged,' says Marker.
Experts say that parents need to be self-aware and accept their biases (it is natural for humans to have biases).
But they must be mindful and not let it affect how they treat their children. 'If you are hanging out with three friends and one is your bestie, you still don't let the other two feel left out. Apply the same policy at home,' says Marker.
Equality with a difference
While it is wrong to play favourites, it is also not advisable to try to make everything equal thinking that it will lead to zero rivalry. 'Parents should love each child uniquely and not equally, as every child is unique.
Even identical twins have different personalities. Your child wants you to see them for who they are,' says Vij. She believes the desire for equality is problematic as it leads to comparisons which furthers sibling rivalry.
'When we say 'Look, your sister writes so neatly' or 'Your brother is so good at math, why can't you calculate faster?', we are going wrong. While our intent may be simply to encourage the child to be neater or quicker, it creates resentment and makes the child feel that you have a favourite,' says Vij.
Marker advises parents to have 'equal rules, equal love and equal respect for their kids but in other aspects, equality is not necessary'.
Parenting coaches say if parents work to identify the strengths of both or all kids, the comparisons will naturally end. Then, both kids can shine in their own ways. If a child is confident that she is an athlete, she will not be threatened by the fact that her sister is a pro ballet dancer.
She will be clapping when the sister is on stage, knowing very well that tomorrow when she is competing in a race, the sibling will be cheering for her.
'Once they are sure of their position in the house, then they are not threatened by each other. Then the fights that take place are more at a superficial level — it is not a deep-rooted fight where they are trying to hurt each other's feelings or hit below the belt,' says Marker.
Age is just a number
Another common mistake that all parents make is that they ask the older sibling to give in, forgetting that he or she is a child too. Modi made this mistake too. 'Sometimes, you just want the younger one to stop crying, so you ask the elder one to let go. I used to tell Mishka 'You adjust, he is small,' not realising how she felt. One day, she had an outburst and said 'So what if he is smaller? He will be smaller than me for the rest of my life.
How much can I adjust?' I was dumbstruck. I realised how unfair I was being,' she says.
Modi now tries her best to be fair, even if it means it will take longer and be harder to end the fight. 'Eventually, my younger one also realised that mamma is not going to come to his rescue if he troubles didi, so his tantrums have reduced.'
Distance works wonders
Experts say sometimes simply separating the kids for a while helps resolve the conflict for the time being.
This is exactly what Parul Garg has started doing. Her six-year-old daughter Naisha used to get very restless when her 11-year-old brother Hrishaan was busy with the iPad — he is allowed to play games for 30 minutes occasionally. She would pester him to play with her instead and he would get annoyed. Both would end up shouting and even hitting each other.
After all attempts to end these fights failed, Garg started taking Naisha down to play at the same time.
'Now she cycles or runs around while her brother is using the iPad at home. I am happy she is getting some exercise and it is also more peaceful for me,' says the Mumbai mom.
While the iPad situation has been solved, there are still a couple of fights between Hrishaan and Naisha daily and the situation is especially bad during garmi ki chutti as they insist on playing with each other. 'They are inseparable during the holidays, but they also end up fighting more.
Sometimes when they are fighting, I question my own capabilities as a parent and wonder if I have made the right decision to have two kids.
But the next moment, they are playing together and laughing, bringing a smile to my face and making my heart full,' says Garg.
When to worry
Child psychologists say some amount of fighting is natural and good in a way as it helps kids learn how to handle their emotions, resolve conflicts and move past it. But it becomes a concern when the rivalry turns into aggression persistently and very intensely to an extent that there are long periods of disagreement or conflict. Moreover, it is a problem when there is emotional distress. 'If the child is getting anxious, depressed, is constantly feeling the sibling is better off and always trying to win over the parent or if you notice that their self-esteem is taking a hit, you need to seek help,' says Vij.
