22-05-2025
- Entertainment
- The Herald Scotland
We hate to bring up the name of this restaurant…
The possibilities of a violent encounter are minimal, though there is a very great chance that a wayfarer in those bad lands will be laid low by a terminal case of pretentiousity (which in the Layman's Medical Dictionary is defined as the inability to avoid expressing yourself in a long-winded and smarty-pants manner).
Reader Gordon Sweeney was walking down Byres Road when he overheard two young fellows, who looked like students, chatting.
Said one to the other: 'Y'see, I'm just an ordinary guy. I like experimental literature as much as the next man…'
Naughty nan
The smooth female Tannoy voice used to broadcast messages on Glasgow trains isn't to everyone's liking.
Bill Durbin was on a train when the Tannoy made an announcement in its usual emollient way.
Bill growled quietly to himself, then muttered: 'I can't stand that voice.'
The bloke next to him nodded, then added: 'Know what you mean. It's smoothly sinister. Like a nanny with a machine gun.'
Brought to book
When most people visit New York they opt to see the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
Not reader Liz Wilde.
When she was there last week with her husband they found themselves in a bookshop.
Browsing the shelves, Liz's hubby spotted a book by a local restaurateur, which was titled: 'I Regret Almost Everything: A Memoir'.
With an impish grin, Liz's hubby said: 'Pity this bloke used that title. It would have been perfect for your autobiography.'
Liz glared at hubby for a beat, then said: 'I'm certainly regretting marrying you, right now...'
The name game
In a queue at the supermarket, reader Mike Slater overheard two women chatting.
'I've got awfy sore gums,' sighed one of them.
'Huv ye tried Bonjela?' inquired her friend.
'Nae idea what that is,' admitted the first lady, adding: 'But whit a great name fur a wee lassie. Is it French?'
Rural riot act
A few years ago reader Tom White and a pal were enjoying a pleasant country ramble when they were confronted by a red-faced farmer, demanding they get off his land, or there'd be hell to pay.
After they had scarpered, Tom's pal turned to him and said: 'Bet that bloke's name is Farmer Geddon.'
Cool runnings
Health-conscious reader George Douglas tells us: 'I started jogging yesterday. That wasn't the original plan. It's just that the ice-cream van wouldn't stop.'
