11 hours ago
Psychologists Reveal the Worst Comment You Can Make to a Pregnant Person
I remember being pregnant. My back ached, I had constant heartburn and I was eternally fatigued — and, on top of all that, it seemed like seeing my pregnant belly gave anyone license to tell me whatever popped into their heads, no matter how insulting, worrisome or aggravating it may be. It didn't matter if it was close friends or total strangers, it was open season to comment on anything from the way I looked to what I ate.
Time to nip this bad behavior in the bud, and tell people how to keep their opinions to themselves. "Pregnancy is a sensitive, transformative time both physically and emotionally, so what's most helpful is actually to lead with curiosity, kindness and respect," says Lilit Ayrapetyan, PsyD, a Los Angeles-based clinical psychologist specializing in maternal mental health. "A simple 'How are you feeling?' goes much further than unsolicited commentary ever will."
With that in mind, these are the phrases that no one should ever say to a pregnant person. Forward them to your nudgy neighbors or your tactless relatives, because no parent-to-be should have to deal with these comments anymore.
For starters: Yes, it's 2025. People know if they're having twins. No one ever responds with, "Huh, twins never occurred to me — time to ask the doctor to go check!"
And then there's the rudeness that goes with commenting on a person's body size. When is this ever okay? "It's hard enough for pregnant women to manage the uncomfortable feelings that come with their bodies growing and changing," says Stevie Blum, LCSW, a therapist specializing in anxiety and relationships. "Struggling to feel comfortable in your skin, only to have someone completely deflate you with a comment about your size, can be harrowing. Even if it's meant as a joke or said with good intentions, commenting on a pregnant body often leaves someone feeling exposed and violated."
Plus, there are so many ways to make a pregnant person feel good, not bad. "Instead of focusing on their body," says perinatal psychotherapist Shemika Whiteside, LCSW, "a more supportive approach is to ask how they're feeling or if they need anything."
Body-shaming can go both ways, and saying someone looks too small can be just as damaging as saying someone looks too big. "These types of comments can unintentionally shame or embarrass them, especially if they are dealing with pregnancy complications or emotional challenges," says Alisha Simpson-Watt LCSW, BCBA, LBA, founder of Collaborative ABA Services. "Instead of thinking we are supporting them, these remarks can negatively impact their self-esteem and can turn what should be a joyful experience into a stressful or undesired one."
Everyone knows newborns are up at all hours of the night — no need to rub it in. "Comments like this are often intended as a joke or come from someone who's sleep-deprived themselves and seeking camaraderie," says Devon Kuntzman, PCC, founder of Transforming Toddlerhood. "But for a pregnant person already navigating a swirl of emotions, uncertainty and physical discomfort, it's not helpful; it's overwhelming. Remarks like this can make expecting parents feel unseen and unsupported, as if their current challenges aren't valid. And ultimately, framing parenthood as a downhill spiral before it even begins robs them of the chance to approach it with confidence, curiosity and hope."
Again, tact is a better approach. "Sleep is already a challenge during pregnancy, and instead of instilling dread, it's much more supportive to offer encouragement or practical advice when asked," Whiteside says.
When has telling someone they should enjoy something ever worked? Besides, "Not everyone loves being pregnant," says Gayane Aramyan, LMFT, a perinatal therapist in Los Angeles, "and that's okay."
We all know someone who had that perfect pregnancy — and can't wait to let everyone know about how well they did. "I see how quickly pregnancy becomes public territory, where people feel entitled to share unsolicited advice or compare experiences," says reproductive endocrinologist Kay Waud, MD, PhD. "Comments like this can come across as dismissive or judgmental, especially to someone who's worked incredibly hard to get pregnant, possibly through IVF or other assisted reproductive treatments. Some women have been preparing for their pregnancy under the care of many medical experts. Every pregnancy is different, and comparing one person's experience to another's can create unnecessary stress, guilt or pressure to conform to outdated or irrelevant standards." It's not a contest to see who could have the best pregnancy, and everybody is on their own journey.
The same goes for people who want to talk about how awful and difficult their pregnancy was. It's not commiseration — it's just unhelpful. "Sharing horror labor stories with a pregnant patient can be harmful and should be avoided, as it can create unnecessary anxiety and fear during an already emotionally and physically demanding time," says Cielo Gnecco, MD, an OBGYN with Orlando Health Women's Institute Center for Obstetrics & Gynecology. "These stories may lead them to anticipate complications that are unlikely to occur, undermining their ability to trust in their body, their healthcare team and the process of childbirth. Instead of fostering support, such stories can contribute to a sense of dread and helplessness. It's far more helpful to offer reassurance, encouragement, and factual, balanced information tailored to their unique pregnancy."
Yes, having a baby means that the childless chapter of life is finished — and a new one is about to begin, that comes with its own joys and challenges. Reminding someone that they're losing freedom "implies that life ends with a baby," says parent coach Debbie Zeichner, LCSW, "which can feed fear, anxiety and guilt at a time when many women are already navigating strong emotions and a sense of uncertainty."
Nobody's business, buddy! "Recently, a patient in our clinic reported that her obstetrician asked her that question during her initial visit," Dr. Waud says. "As a reproductive endocrinologist, I care for patients who have often endured months of fertility treatments, miscarriages and emotional upheaval to get pregnant. We usually celebrate their graduation at their first trimester ultrasound when we detect their baby's heartbeat. Asking whether a baby is 'wanted' anytime during their pregnancy can be incredibly jarring and intrusive. It disregards the intensely personal and often emotional journey that many people go through to conceive. Even in cases where pregnancy comes as a surprise, no one owes an explanation of their feelings or plans."
And to anyone who's said these in the past: Next time, try a simple, "Congratulations!" instead!
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