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Limerence explained: Is it a crush or an obsession? We asked the experts
The term 'limerence" has been around since the 1970s, but it's been gaining traction lately, so if you haven't heard of it yet, you likely will.
Although it's easy to think of limerence as a big crush, it's closer to an obsession with feelings of anxiousness and disappointment if the feelings aren't reciprocated. Anyone can experience it, but suffering through limerence can be especially painful for the LGBTQ+ community.
With books and movies giving us ample examples of limerence and Lucy Dacus' brand new album featuring the single 'Limerence,' the word seems to have entered the pop culture lexicon, which means it's time to understand what limerence is really all about.
To break it all down, we spoke with sex and dating experts who explained what limerence is, why the feelings can be so hard to shake, and what to do if you're struggling with these intense and all-encompassing emotions.
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k.d. lang's "Constant Craving" isn't the only song about this kind of obsessive longing. Lucy Dacus just released her new album Forever is a Feeling, which features the song 'Limerence,' about this specific kind of 'love' that can take over your life. 'If I stay busy, maybe I'll forget how I feel and go on living life as I planned it,' she sings.
Limerence is also fairly common to see in media geared toward young adults. Both Snape, who has an unhealthy lifelong fixation on Lily Potter in the Harry Potter franchise, and Bella Swan and Edward Cullen, who become obsessed with each other before they've even spoken to one another in Twilight, are struggling with limerence.
Romeo and Juliet's tragic love story can be understood through the lens of limerence since the two teens fall madly and obsessively in love with each other after a single meeting.
More recently, Alice Lowe directed and starred in the film Timestalker about a woman who repeatedly falls in love with the same man every time she dies and is reincarnated, despite never having a real relationship with him.
And let's not even get started on limerence in lesbian cinema, its practically a subgenre all on its own with films like Notes on a Scandal, The Velvet Vampire, and Eileen all depicting a darker side of these emotions.
There are also countless videos on TikTok of people describing their own experience with the feeling of limerence or defining the term for those not in the know. And Limerence by Scarlett Drake is a popular dark romance book that is frequently recommended on BookTok.
If you ever covered your walls with posters of an actor or pop star and obsessively learned everything you could about them when you were a teen, you may have been experiencing 'limerence.'
First coined in 1979 by American psychologist Dorothy Tennov in her book Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love, limerence is a romantic attachment where someone fixates on another person to the point of obsession.
Instead of being in love or having a crush, people dealing with limerence almost 'trick' themselves into falling for someone, bisexual licensed sexologist and relationship therapist Sofie Roos tells PRIDE. You may think about the object of your obsession all of the time, stalk them on social media, fantasize about them in both sexual and mundane situations, imagine your future together, and have trouble sleeping because you are so excited about any little bit of contact you have with them. Being in limerence means riding an emotional rollercoaster full of high highs and low lows.
'You feel the strong feelings you do when being in love with a person, and many times you even get desperate or obsessed with them, but these feelings are instead triggered by your imagination and made up picture of how someone is,' she explains.
You can even experience limerence for people you'll never meet or who it would be inappropriate to date, like a celebrity, coworker, or even the partner of a close friend. But when you are experiencing limerence it can feel like "equal parts of elation and despair when they think about or come into contact with the object of their desire,' according to Barbara Rowlandson, a dating coach who works with women who are coming out later in life and is a later-in-life lesbian herself.
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If the object of your obsessive desire doesn't reciprocate those feelings, or doesn't even know you exist, it can be agonizing.
'The roller coaster of limerence comes with extreme highs and lows,' Rowlandson says. "A client experiencing limerence might report feeling elated when the object of their desire likes their Instagram post or smiles at them in the hallway. But the high quickly fades to despair, knowing they cannot be with the person they are infatuated with.'
Robyn Exton, CEO and founder of sapphic dating app HER, agrees, saying that unrequited limerence feels 'heady, torturous, a shortness of breath and a pull from the gut. You can lose your mind and heart every hour when its bad."
Exton admits that while limerence is 'hard,' it can also be a beautiful experience. 'It's a lot of feelings to hold all at the same time but ultimately is one of the most powerful human emotions of attraction and desire and heartbreak all in one,' she says.
Limerence is a pretty normal part of life, so if it's something you experience, you are not alone. It can even be a net positive if it motivates you to take action and ask someone out when you might not have the courage to otherwise. But it can quickly become toxic because limerents (a term for those experiencing limerence) are fearful of rejection, so when reality hits that you'll never have the relationship you've been dreaming of, it can feel like your whole world is coming crashing down.
'Where it becomes a problem is when it starts to disrupt regular daily functioning,' Rowlandson explains. 'Some folks really lock into that cycle of elation and despair, and it can get to the point where thoughts about their 'crush' become so all-consuming that it negatively impacts important things like sleep, work, or school obligations.'
Exton says that at HER, they have noticed that sapphics tend to feel limerence more acutely than other people. 'We think sapphics over index highly for limerence because of our ability to fall hard and fast,' she explains. According to Exton, most LGBTQ+ people can probably relate to limerence because they likely experienced it before they came out as part of their 'sexual awakening.' Growing up with feelings of shame around your sexuality or being forced to hide it because you are queer, means that you may become obsessed with the first person who accepts you after you come out.
The limited number of other queer people in the dating pool also can mean a higher probability of idealizing someone and falling into the trap of limerence. And crushing on a straight person who will never return your feelings or attraction is another almost universal experience that can lead to limerence for some LGBTQ+ people. 'That is a special kind of self-torture that only those of us in queer community experience! Didn't k.d. lang wrote a whole album about this? Invincible Summer, one of my faves,' Rowlandson said.
But what can you do if limerence becomes a problem in your life? Exton recommends being honest about your feelings and then moving on if they're not reciprocated. 'Sometimes it's best to know if there's something there or in your head. And if not, take a deep breath, meet someone new, and fill your time with distractions,' she says.
Rowlandson explains that if you get trapped in 'the vicious cycle of limerence,' where fantasizing about another person is getting in the way of your daily responsibilities, and if this is a pattern you have repeated throughout your life, it might be time to seek therapy. 'Limerence may be something you're engaging in that keeps you safely away from the realm of real, reciprocal relationships,' she says. 'If you're avoiding reality by frequently getting caught up in limerence, there's probably a fear underneath the surface that you should explore with a mental health professional.'
Although it's easier said than done, according to Roos, you should try to avoid stalking the object of your obsession on social media, try not to masturbate to their pictures, and redirect yourself when you can't stop thinking and fantasizing about the person. Talking to a trusted friend about your feelings can also help you move on more easily. But Roos says focusing on self improvement and going on dates with new people who may reciprocate your feelings is a great way to get through the limerence you're feeling, 'When it all comes around, you're not really in love, and falling for someone genuinely, even though it can take time to get there when suffering from limerence, is often the best cure.'
