Latest news with #LizKelly
Refinery29
23-05-2025
- General
- Refinery29
The Hardest Thing About Being Single? Not Saying 'Yes' To Just Anyone
'So shall we meet up again soon?' reads a text from a guy. Although I've had fun dates with him, he's been flaky with arranging them, and is either all or nothing with his texting. I'm never sure if I'm about to be ghosted, or if a flurry of messages written with teenage intensity are about to land. When I write it down like that, none of it suits or reflects who I am or what I want, and it all makes me recoil at the thought of seeing him again. A decent date doesn't mean much if everything else surrounding it, like communication, is lacklustre. And yet, why is it so hard to reply with a definitive 'no' and shut that door forever? I recently saw a woman talking on TikTok about how the hardest thing with being single is not saying 'yes' to just anyone, especially the people you know aren't right for you. The temptation exists because being single naturally comes with moments of loneliness, and with loneliness, comes the risk of lower standards, settling, and going along with a date just for momentary fun. But I have been single for a long while and I have given in to these moments before. I've learned the short term 'fun' is rarely worth the disheartening feeling that sits with you long after that fun stops. I'm trying to get better at not saying 'yes' to just anyone, and to not let my own self-doubt call my instincts into question (which end up being proven right, pretty much always). Dating intentionally does limit your options. When everyone around me is in relationships, it isn't as straightforward and simple as saying 'no' to the wrong people. When 'no' should be the answer, it's still in tension with hope and desire. This self-doubt has something to do with a scarcity mindset, according to Liz Kelly, psychotherapist and author of This Book Is Cheaper Than Therapy. 'A scarcity mindset is based on the belief that resources are limited and difficult to obtain,' she says. 'People with this mindset often make reactive decisions based on fear and anxiety. They tend to settle for unfulfilling situations because they doubt anything better will come and fear losing what they have. This can be detrimental in dating.' Kelly adds this type of thinking can cause a person to ignore red flags, feel like their options are limited, fear that they will never find a partner, and stay in unhealthy relationships. For those of us who are a part of the done-with-dating-apps collective, the familiarity of wondering if we'll be single forever is enough to make us wince. Before people tell me I'm being too picky, this isn't the same as not giving someone a chance or making a snap decision before you've even had the time to properly talk. I've given out chances and haven't asked for much back in exchange for my time and openness. So, this isn't about a lack of chances, it's about engaging with people you know aren't right for you. You might be thinking, well, that's easy, Tanyel. Again, I don't think it is that simple. For ages now in modern dating, we've spoken about people in extremes. 'He's a narcissist,' is thrown around casually. When we speak of bad dating behavior, people love to put labels on it. While that helps us define confusing situations, the truth is that most people aren't far on either side of the good and bad spectrum. A lot of us are somewhere in the middle and haven't done awful things. Someone can be decent and not for you, but rarely do we speak about dating in such a neutral way. A date might have said something you weren't keen on at all, or done something that doesn't align with you. But because it wasn't horrendous, doubt creeps in about your decision to not go out again and that person ends up eating more of your time than they should. And guess what? You're still single at the end of it, grappling with the same disillusionment, only this time, there's a fresh sting to it. Kelly says that in order to stay connected to your values, it's important to 'come from a mindset of abundance while dating'. That looks like believing that you deserve love, that you are worthy of healthy relationships and respect, and that there are good people out there, she explains. 'One strategy for practicing an abundance mindset is to reflect daily on what you appreciate and to identify small wins,' Kelly says. 'You can simultaneously be frustrated and disappointed with dating while feeling thankful for friends and other parts of your life. Both of those things can be true at the same time.' This way, you're less likely to fall into the trap of dating someone who isn't necessarily good for you. In the end, I did decide to put an end to seeing that guy again. As fun as he is in person, his unreliability was irritating to me as someone that likes to plan. It also felt increasingly disrespectful of my time. Realistically, that was never going to work out. When I am brave enough to say no and am confident that I am sticking to my values, I feel powerful. I'm not trucking along with someone who isn't right for me, instead I get to give myself a little pat on the back and carry on until something better comes along. I'm glad I'm not forcing myself through the motions of a date for the sake of it. Plus, future Tanyel is going to be way happier for that decision. Her fulfilment matters the most, and I think there will be people who show up where the answer is always an enthusiastic 'yes'.
Refinery29
21-05-2025
- Health
- Refinery29
I Can't Reply To Your Long Text Message After Work
After a day of typing thousands of words, there's nothing that shuts my brain down quicker than a long text message essay or four-minute voice note (which, by the way, I'm guilty of sending, too). Even if I love the person messaging me, it can sometimes still feel like a lot of mental effort is needed to reply to the message. Friends have told me they have days where they feel similarly, paralysed by the text notification number going up, agonizing over not replying, and yet seemingly being unable to send the oftentimes quick reply that's required. Days go by before the message is given attention, then the cycle repeats. Maybe for you it's group chats rather than voice notes, or messages with external links instead of a chunky block of text — we all have something that takes us obscenely long to reply to. The message isn't really the problem, but the message seems to bear the brunt of the problem: a drought of time and energy. It's almost as if being needed in some way after work calls attention to just how flattening work might have been. 'A message, even a simple one, requires thought, mental energy and sometimes even emotional bandwidth,' says Caroline Plumer, psychotherapist and founder of CPPC London. 'It might feel like cognitive overload after we have likely already spent all day performing tasks and making decisions. When stress ramps up, our ability to think, problem-solve, and be creative decreases. Our brains under stress become more concerned with avoiding pain and keeping us out of harm's way than accomplishing tasks on our to-do lists.' Texts can end up feeling like yet another thing on a to-do list, she adds, especially when we have just shaken off our work to-do lists. Liz Kelly, therapist in the Washington, DC area and the author of This Book Is Cheaper Than Therapy, says that common daily work situations (like a tough conversation with our boss, bad traffic on the way to the office, or dealing with a problematic client) activate our sympathetic nervous, putting our body in "fight, flight, freeze or fawn" mode. 'This nervous system activation can cause us to feel shut down or on edge, which makes everyday tasks, like responding to messages, much harder to complete,' she says. We aren't bad people for feeling this way when a friend texts, it's about how our brains are hardwired to respond to all of these stimuli, but we shouldn't completely brush this off as normal or fine. Think about how much time you give to texting, alongside the hours you clock in at work. 'Most of us spend a lot of the day looking at smartphones and computers and having to be highly responsive, and this can lead to digital and general burnout,' Plumer says. 'This is only worsened by the feeling that we need to spend further minutes or hours attached to our screens. Modern communication is instant, and with that can come the pressure that our responses should be immediate.' Responding to messages after work can feel as though it's eating into our rest and relaxation time, she adds, affecting our ability to recover from a long day. Unless a message is urgent, perhaps we don't need to reply that same night if what we need that evening is to decompress before the next day. The elephant in the room here is that your job may be demanding too much of you — and that's why something as simple as a text feels too much. Research from last year found that 44% of British adults feel physically and/or mentally exhausted after work, with younger people being more likely to experience this. On the flip side, it might be that a friend is demanding too much. Plumer recommends taking stock to reflect on what might be the cause of this feeling when people try to contact you. 'It might be worth scheduling a time once or twice a week to respond to any messages that have been put off rather than trying to force a reply as they come in, or at the end of every day.' She also recommends reducing your notifications or muting certain chats or groups. 'You might also want to consider leaving voice notes or even making a phone call rather than typing a message. Phone calls in particular can help mitigate the need to get caught in a back-and-forth message exchange. If the message only needs a simple reply like a yes or no, do it sooner rather than later, and get it out of the way.' If work and friendships both feel fine, it might come down to how you compartmentalize at the end of the day in order to look after yourself. Kelly says she sees clients lack compassion towards themselves when they're 'overwhelmed, overstimulated and cognitively fatigued'. Before trying to tackle any messages straight out of the office, Kelly says to 'consider engaging in activities that will help you regulate your nervous system, such as doing some stretching or yoga, taking a walk outside, creating art or crafting, dancing to a song, or even having a short power nap.' You might feel mentally clearer and less daunted by notifications after that point. 'If you need help returning messages, try setting a timer for five or 10 minutes and see what you can accomplish during that time,' Kelly says, 'and if you don't feel up to reading and responding to a long message, it's perfectly okay to let your friend or family member know that you cannot answer now, but you will be happy to return the message once you have more time and energy.' Your friend will likely understand, because the chances are they too get overwhelmed by messages as well. In fact, their reply might have come after days of feeling unable to get to it. Taking Kelly's advice on board, if it's been one of those days, I leave the message unopened and allow myself to do the things that help me feel regulated once again. Sometimes it's reading a book, other times it's going to the gym. The message is still there, but I allow myself to drop the urgency I've attached to it that no one else asked for. Then, feeling more like myself, I'm able to reply and give the energy that's required of me. It doesn't feel taxing this time, because it's energy I have ready to give.
Refinery29
20-05-2025
- Health
- Refinery29
I Can't Reply To Your Long WhatsApp After Work
After a day of typing thousands of words, there's nothing that shuts my brain down quicker than a long WhatsApp essay or four-minute voice note (which, by the way, I'm guilty of sending, too). Even if I love the person messaging me, it can sometimes still feel like a lot of mental effort is needed to reply to the message. Friends have told me they have days where they feel similarly, paralysed by the WhatsApp notification number going up, agonising over not replying, and yet seemingly being unable to send the oftentimes quick reply that's required. Days go by before the message is given attention, then the cycle repeats. Maybe for you it's group chats rather than voice notes, or messages with external links instead of a chunky block of text — we all have something that takes us obscenely long to reply to. The message isn't really the problem, but the message seems to bear the brunt of the problem: a drought of time and energy. It's almost as if being needed in some way after work calls attention to just how flattening work might have been. 'A message, even a simple one, requires thought, mental energy and sometimes even emotional bandwidth,' says Caroline Plumer, psychotherapist and founder of CPPC London. 'It might feel like cognitive overload after we have likely already spent all day performing tasks and making decisions. When stress ramps up, our ability to think, problem-solve, and be creative decreases. Our brains under stress become more concerned with avoiding pain and keeping us out of harm's way than accomplishing tasks on our to-do lists.' Texts can end up feeling like yet another thing on a to-do list, she adds, especially when we have just shaken off our work to-do lists. Liz Kelly, therapist in the Washington, DC area and the author of This Book Is Cheaper Than Therapy, says that common daily work situations (like a tough conversation with our boss, bad traffic on the way to the office, or dealing with a problematic client) activate our sympathetic nervous, putting our body in "fight, flight, freeze or fawn" mode. 'This nervous system activation can cause us to feel shut down or on edge, which makes everyday tasks, like responding to messages, much harder to complete,' she says. We aren't bad people for feeling this way when a friend texts, it's about how our brains are hardwired to respond to all of these stimuli, but we shouldn't completely brush this off as normal or fine. Last year, people spent on average 16 hours a month on WhatsApp alone. That's a lot of time alongside the hours we clock in. 'Most of us spend a lot of the day looking at smartphones and computers and having to be highly responsive, and this can lead to digital and general burnout,' Plumer says. 'This is only worsened by the feeling that we need to spend further minutes or hours attached to our screens. Modern communication is instant, and with that can come the pressure that our responses should be immediate.' Responding to messages after work can feel as though it's eating into our rest and relaxation time, she adds, affecting our ability to recover from a long day. Unless a message is urgent, perhaps we don't need to reply that same night if what we need that evening is to decompress before the next day. The elephant in the room here is that your job may be demanding too much of you — and that's why something as simple as a text feels too much. Research from last year found that 44% of British adults feel physically and/or mentally exhausted after work, with younger people being more likely to experience this. On the flip side, it might be that a friend is demanding too much. Plumer recommends taking stock to reflect on what might be the cause of this feeling when people try to contact you. 'It might be worth scheduling a time once or twice a week to respond to any messages that have been put off rather than trying to force a reply as they come in, or at the end of every day.' She also recommends reducing your notifications or muting certain chats or groups. 'You might also want to consider leaving voice notes or even making a phone call rather than typing a message. Phone calls in particular can help mitigate the need to get caught in a back-and-forth message exchange. If the message only needs a simple reply like a yes or no, do it sooner rather than later, and get it out of the way.' If work and friendships both feel fine, it might come down to how you compartmentalise at the end of the day in order to look after yourself. Kelly says she sees clients lack compassion towards themselves when they're 'overwhelmed, overstimulated and cognitively fatigued'. Before trying to tackle any messages straight out of the office, Kelly says to 'consider engaging in activities that will help you regulate your nervous system, such as doing some stretching or yoga, taking a walk outside, creating art or crafting, dancing to a song, or even having a short power nap.' You might feel mentally clearer and less daunted by notifications after that point. 'If you need help returning messages, try setting a timer for five or 10 minutes and see what you can accomplish during that time,' Kelly says, 'and if you don't feel up to reading and responding to a long message, it's perfectly okay to let your friend or family member know that you cannot answer now, but you will be happy to return the message once you have more time and energy.' Your friend will likely understand, because the chances are they too get overwhelmed by messages as well. In fact, their reply might have come after days of feeling unable to get to it. Taking Kelly's advice on board, if it's been one of those days, I leave the message unopened and allow myself to do the things that help me feel regulated once again. Sometimes it's reading a book, other times it's going to the gym. The message is still there, but I allow myself to drop the urgency I've attached to it that no one else asked for. Then, feeling more like myself, I'm able to reply and give the energy that's required of me. It doesn't feel taxing this time, because it's energy I have ready to give.
RTÉ News
01-05-2025
- Entertainment
- RTÉ News
11th annual Poetry Day taking place nationwide today
The 11th annual Poetry Day Ireland is taking place nationwide today, with over 50 events organised across every province, both in person and online. This year's celebration, run by Poetry Ireland, has the theme "May Day" which is rooted in Ancient Traditions; including the fire festival of Bealtaine, and asks poets and participants to celebrate renewal, hope and abundance. Liz Kelly, Director of Poetry Ireland, explains that "May Day" was chosen for this year's event as it marks the start of a month in which "nature seems to be bursting out of her skin, filling hedgerows and fields with wildflowers, the month of fire and light." She goes on to say that she believes "poetry is an important way to understand and empathise with the world around us, which, at this moment in history, is deeply meaningful." The day's first event got underway bright and early in Greystones Co. Wicklow with a Sunrise Swim & Poetry morning at 5.50am. Swimmers and poets gathered together to watch the sun rise, have a dip, and listen to poems read in all languages, both original and not. Representatives from Poetry Ireland, Scríobh Arís, the local poetry group in Greystones, and Dave and Steve Flynn from the Happy Pear, led the charge this morning. Francis Browner, a local poet in Greystones, a member of Scríobh Arís, and key in the organisation of the event, says it's been going for 4 years now. She says, "initially it was just let's give them all a stone with some poetry on it when they go into the sea, and then people started spontaneously reading poetry when they came out". It has now become a staple in the Poetry Day Calendar. Deirdre McKernan Crosby is also a member of Scríobh Aris, which she joined through the Greystones Cancer Support group, and she says, " I was writing [poetry] before I knew it and was successfully published early on in my journey." She says poetry has been "very cathartic" for her. Also in attendance this morning was Poetry Ireland's Poet in Residence, Anne Tannam. This is the last official event of her tenure. She told Morning Ireland about the importance of today and celebrating poetry: "It is one day that we can all, for a moment stop, and really appreciate the incredible diversity of voices across the whole island of Ireland. So, its a really really special day where everybody can stop and share or read or write a bit of poetry and really celebrate our love of language." There are a wide range of other events happening across the day, all over the country including creative writing and poetry workshops, spoken word events, pop-up poetry performances, as well as online events and a podcast dedicated to poetry. As part of this year's celebration Poetry Ireland has also selected twelve poems to be showcased. They'll be displayed across the Iarnród Eireann rail network, as well as in libraries nationally. Some of the poets chosen include: Lorna Shaughnessy, Rosamund Taylor, Othuke Umukoro, and Alan Titley. Another feature of this year's festival is a series of special poetry readings by well-known Irish voices such as Manchán Magan, writer and broadcaster, Joe Duffy, RTÉ radio host, and Michael Darragh MacAuley, All-Ireland Gaelic Football Champion.
