6 days ago
Carolyn Hax: Parents at impasse on letting unwed adult kids room with partners
Adapted from an online discussion.
Hi, Carolyn: My husband and I have been married a long time, and our kids are all grown but in various stages of independence. They are all in long-term relationships, but none are married.
When they visit along with their significant others, my husband wants them, until they are married, to stay in separate bedrooms. I disagree and feel that managing the intimate relationships of other adults is inappropriate. And I worry this will make them want to visit less.
I understand the concept that his 'no' would be the default since the alternative is an affront to his values. But his boundary affects how I want to host in my home, and could distance my relationship with our children, too!
We are at an impasse, and I'm so angry. Please help!
— Long Married
Long Married: Why are his values the only ones with value? It's an affront to your values to pretend adults in long-term relationships don't sleep together, to manage the intimate behavior of adults and to be unwelcoming to your guests who are also your beloved children. Denial, overreach and arbitrary rules sound a lot more offensive to me than sharing a room without a license. Do I get the default now?
What if your children don't ever marry their partners? Will your husband hold this line into his 80s, say, and harrumph your 50- or 60-something 'kids' onto the sleeper sofa while their partners tuck chastely into the guest room?
Book him a nice hotel suite, I say. Sole objectors get mini-vacations!
Okay, okay.
But if he's insistent on doing the dance of the performative values, then you can also have a 'guest' room that all the 'guests' pretend to use until your husband goes to bed and everyone scurries into partners' rooms.
Pretend this is an eye roll emoji.
Re: Long Married: Carolyn, you once said that when you're tempted to speak or think disapprovingly of your adult child's conduct, say 'an adult' rather than 'my son/daughter.'
— Anonymous
Anonymous: I can't remember if I said that or a commenter did, but I'm happy to give myself the benefit of the amnesia.
Dear Carolyn: We allowed a friend from out of town who was staying with us to host an event at our home. An acquaintance who was not invited to this event tagged along with an invited guest. This acquaintance is by all accounts a horrible person, and once I learned they were on my property, I asked them to leave. My husband escorted them out.
Another friend, who was not at the party but has been exposed to the acquaintance's horrific behavior, heard this acquaintance had made an appearance at the party and has since not spoken to me because they were not removed immediately.
I am at a loss — I value my friend, but I am not quite sure what else I could have done to prevent this. Aside from apologizing, I don't know how to proceed.
— Crashed
Crashed: I'm not sure what you even apologized for. 'I'm sorry for not preventing what I didn't know was happening, and needing to become aware of it before I could undo it'?
Unless you want to write that in a note, you don't proceed except to carry on with your life. You did your best. The friend icing you out has unrealistic expectations of you, the laws of physics and the healing powers of taking rage at Person A out on Person B. Nothing you can do about that.
