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There's only one thing worse than a dull sermon and that's a bossy vicar
There's only one thing worse than a dull sermon and that's a bossy vicar

Yahoo

time2 days ago

  • Entertainment
  • Yahoo

There's only one thing worse than a dull sermon and that's a bossy vicar

It was the fictional Reverend Henry Kane, in Poltergeist II, who, until this point, took the prize for scariest vicar. Kane terrorises kids, his skeletal face, terrible teeth and phoney friendliness chilling all to the bone. But then I came across real-life Rev Janine Arnott, rector of St Oswald's Church in Malpas, Cheshire. She wears a large black t-shirt emblazoned in multi-coloured letters with the word, in capitals, 'BELIEVE'. I think it's an order. And judging from reports seeping out of her parish, if you're one of her congregation, you'd best buckle up and believe. In quite what, who knows? One might assume it's in the Almighty, in the Eucharist, or in the power of prayer. Or indeed in, perhaps, her fervent wish that the church loos need fixing. But what is clear is that belief is also firmly demanded in her. Her way of doing things, of running services and to such an extent that parishioners have accused her of 'dictatorial' leadership and which has led to a mass exodus from the village church. Dig deeper, and there are poison pen letters, anonymous flyers left on the windscreens of cars and mutterings of witchcraft. The goings-on have rather rattled the 1,500 inhabitants of Malpas in Cheshire. Although perhaps it was inevitable that one day something terrible might occur in a village whose name translates from Old French rather awkwardly as 'bad passage'. Now, the village chat is focused on the shenanigans of Rev Janine, particularly her run-ins with the now-disbanded choir. A choir which, during a service of Eucharist in February, took it upon themselves to sing the Sanctus in Latin. This, churchgoers will know, is the bit when the congregation usually chimes in with 'Holy, Holy, Holy, Lord God of hosts. Heaven and earth are filled with etc etc.' When there's a proper choir, those folks lead the way. And thus it was at St Oswald's when the choir blasted out the Sanctus in Latin trilling: 'Sanctus, Sanctus, Sanctus, Dominus Deus Sabaoth. Pleni sunt coeli et terra gloria tua, etc, etc.' And jolly wonderful that must have sounded too in that most beautifully pointless of languages. Although not to the vicar who, allegedly, 'went ballistic' after the service and 'tore strips' off the choir. She didn't appreciate the Latin because, it was reported, she felt it was against canon law and took her revenge by banning the choir from singing anything other than her own approved hymns during the subsequent Lent period. The final straw came during the May VE Day celebrations when Rev Janine allegedly refused to let the choir sing I Vow to Thee My Country in the churchyard. The choir resigned en masse, and the regular congregation of 60 suddenly became about 10. Diana Webber, a 74-year-old member of the church, joined others who criticised the Rev's 'authoritarian' rule and said: 'She had this awful, autocratic hostility towards people'. Others claim they regularly saw the rector 'storming up and down the church', could get so angry that you could 'see her skirt trembling', and many of the congregation were frequently reduced to tears. This conflagration of tempers and weeping is not quite what one expects from what was named this year as one of the best places to live in the UK. The parochial church council (PCC) voted overwhelmingly at a recent meeting in a vote of no confidence against Rev Janine. Alas, the Bishop of Chester, Mark Tanner, has failed to quell the trouble, although the C of E's legal team did dispatch a missive criticising the PCC, singling out 'the inference that your lawfully appointed incumbent is akin to a witch'. This came after the chief bellringer was allegedly removed from his post and the church bell tower was barricaded with 'broomsticks'. Rev Janine took over as rector in 2022 and, as I write, is still in her post. But then, she does seem to be performing the Church of England's unwritten instruction to vicars, which is to empty churches. If there's a tuneless hymn that no one knows, you'll have to sing it. If there's a non-theological subject for a sermon that can be aimed not at the adults but at the children who aren't listening, they'll preach it. If they can, they'll abandon a short traditional Matins service from the 1662 version of the Book of Common Prayer and replace it with a scattering of badly photocopied paper covered with adverts for some aberration called Messy Church. And, better still, in the name of accessibility, they'll rip out all of the ancient pew seats and replace them with stackable chairs and a cheap carpet. Not that our new vicar is doing anything but an exemplary job, I should add, and he has, I hope, now realised that his modern version of 'Our Father' was outgunned by our trad version as our increasingly loud saying of 'thy' resolutely drowned out his 'your'. In this era of non-belief and non-attendance, vicars need PR skills, not the attitude of an oppressive head teacher. It's their job, rather, to keep the eggs warm than to rule the roost. But with dwindling congregations, very little money by way of stipends and (having sold off all the nice rectories), the prospect of rather miserable accommodation, is it any wonder that most applicants for the job of C of E Rev are mad, bad or indifferent? Broaden your horizons with award-winning British journalism. Try The Telegraph free for 1 month with unlimited access to our award-winning website, exclusive app, money-saving offers and more.

There's only one thing worse than a dull sermon and that's a bossy vicar
There's only one thing worse than a dull sermon and that's a bossy vicar

Telegraph

time2 days ago

  • Entertainment
  • Telegraph

There's only one thing worse than a dull sermon and that's a bossy vicar

It was the fictional Reverend Henry Kane, in Poltergeist II, who, until this point, took the prize for scariest vicar. Kane terrorises kids, his skeletal face, terrible teeth and phoney friendliness chilling all to the bone. But then I came across real-life Rev Janine Arnott, rector of St Oswald's Church in Malpas, Cheshire. She wears a large black t-shirt emblazoned in multi-coloured letters with the word, in capitals, 'BELIEVE'. I think it's an order. And judging from reports seeping out of her parish, if you're one of her congregation, you'd best buckle up and believe. In quite what, who knows? One might assume it's in the Almighty, in the Eucharist, or in the power of prayer. Or indeed in, perhaps, her fervent wish that the church loos need fixing. But what is clear is that belief is also firmly demanded in her. Her way of doing things, of running services and to such an extent that parishioners have accused her of 'dictatorial' leadership and which has led to a mass exodus from the village church. Dig deeper, and there are poison pen letters, anonymous flyers left on the windscreens of cars and mutterings of witchcraft. The goings-on have rather rattled the 1,500 inhabitants of Malpas in Cheshire. Although perhaps it was inevitable that one day something terrible might occur in a village whose name translates from Old French rather awkwardly as 'bad passage'. Now, the village chat is focused on the shenanigans of Rev Janine, particularly her run-ins with the now-disbanded choir. A choir which, during a service of Eucharist in February, took it upon themselves to sing the Sanctus in Latin. This, churchgoers will know, is the bit when the congregation usually chimes in with 'Holy, Holy, Holy, Lord God of hosts. Heaven and earth are filled with etc etc.' When there's a proper choir, those folks lead the way. And thus it was at St Oswald's when the choir blasted out the Sanctus in Latin trilling: 'Sanctus, Sanctus, Sanctus, Dominus Deus Sabaoth. Pleni sunt coeli et terra gloria tua, etc, etc.' And jolly wonderful that must have sounded too in that most beautifully pointless of languages. Although not to the vicar who, allegedly, 'went ballistic' after the service and 'tore strips' off the choir. She didn't appreciate the Latin because, it was reported, she felt it was against canon law and took her revenge by banning the choir from singing anything other than her own approved hymns during the subsequent Lent period. The final straw came during the May VE Day celebrations when Rev Janine allegedly refused to let the choir sing I Vow to Thee My Country in the churchyard. The choir resigned en masse, and the regular congregation of 60 suddenly became about 10. Diana Webber, a 74-year-old member of the church, joined others who criticised the Rev's 'authoritarian' rule and said: 'She had this awful, autocratic hostility towards people'. Others claim they regularly saw the rector 'storming up and down the church', could get so angry that you could 'see her skirt trembling', and many of the congregation were frequently reduced to tears. This conflagration of tempers and weeping is not quite what one expects from what was named this year as one of the best places to live in the UK. The parochial church council (PCC) voted overwhelmingly at a recent meeting in a vote of no confidence against Rev Janine. Alas, the Bishop of Chester, Mark Tanner, has failed to quell the trouble, although the C of E's legal team did dispatch a missive criticising the PCC, singling out 'the inference that your lawfully appointed incumbent is akin to a witch'. This came after the chief bellringer was allegedly removed from his post and the church bell tower was barricaded with 'broomsticks'. Rev Janine took over as rector in 2022 and, as I write, is still in her post. But then, she does seem to be performing the Church of England's unwritten instruction to vicars, which is to empty churches. If there's a tuneless hymn that no one knows, you'll have to sing it. If there's a non-theological subject for a sermon that can be aimed not at the adults but at the children who aren't listening, they'll preach it. If they can, they'll abandon a short traditional Matins service from the 1662 version of the Book of Common Prayer and replace it with a scattering of badly photocopied paper covered with adverts for some aberration called Messy Church. And, better still, in the name of accessibility, they'll rip out all of the ancient pew seats and replace them with stackable chairs and a cheap carpet. Not that our new vicar is doing anything but an exemplary job, I should add, and he has, I hope, now realised that his modern version of 'Our Father' was outgunned by our trad version as our increasingly loud saying of 'thy' resolutely drowned out his 'your'. In this era of non-belief and non-attendance, vicars need PR skills, not the attitude of an oppressive head teacher. It's their job, rather, to keep the eggs warm than to rule the roost. But with dwindling congregations, very little money by way of stipends and (having sold off all the nice rectories), the prospect of rather miserable accommodation, is it any wonder that most applicants for the job of C of E Rev are mad, bad or indifferent?

Row erupts between parishioners and rector at Malpas church
Row erupts between parishioners and rector at Malpas church

BBC News

time5 days ago

  • Politics
  • BBC News

Row erupts between parishioners and rector at Malpas church

Churchgoers in a Cheshire village have been revolting in a row over their rector which has culminated in the police being called in. Reverend Janine Arnott was appointed to St Oswald's in Malpas near Whitchurch in 2022, since when some church members have raised concerns about some of her have since been stuck to Chester Cathedral in an attempt to get the bishop to intervene, but his response has been labelled "un-Christian" by one resident and former choir member, Liane Diocese of Chester said in a statement that the bishop had been engaging with the concerns through the proper channels. Ms Smith who has been in the congregation for 10 years, most of that time in the choir with her husband, said Dr Arnott "did a great job when she started"."It seems from the start of 2023, she decided things needed to change, as if sort of 'well, I've done it their way for six months and things need to change now.'"It started with apparent disagreements about the choir when the rector asked them to stop singing for two weeks, Ms Smith said. Then there were disagreements about prayers and readings, with the bell ringers stopping over allegations about the way the rector was treating some people, causing some to leave."It's quite a massive dismantling of a successful church community," she Smith said she was asked to step down from the choir after criticising the rector's leadership style, which she described as "authoritarian", and attempting to publish the minutes of a church council have since been stuck to the cathedral urging intervention from the Mark Tanner responded in a letter, the Whitchurch Herald reported, which stated the leaflets were factually incorrect and libellous and some of those opposed to the rector were guilty of unlawful and inexcusable Smith said his response was "un-Christian"."It's un-Christian to at this stage when everybody's been trying to knock on his door and tell him to turn around and say 'now you're going to be responsible for the fact there's no money in the church, you're responsible for the fact that I've had to call the police'," she Diocese of Chester said the bishop had limited scope to intervene directly in parish matters but had consistently offered support and guidance throughout the situation and encouraged people to "remain in conversation"."Whilst it would not be right to comment publicly on personal pastoral matters, wherever the diocese is aware of matters which require response, appropriate action is taken involving other authorities where necessary."Cheshire Police said the force had received reports of harassment related to a Church in Malpas, including reports of flyers being glued to the Cathedral, and inquiries were on-going. Read more stories from Cheshire on the BBC, watch BBC North West Tonight on BBC iPlayer and follow BBC North West on X. You can also send story ideas via Whatsapp to 0808 100 2230.

Unholy row tears a once-thriving village church apart as furious bishop hits out at the upset parishioners who want rid of their controversial rector
Unholy row tears a once-thriving village church apart as furious bishop hits out at the upset parishioners who want rid of their controversial rector

Daily Mail​

time6 days ago

  • General
  • Daily Mail​

Unholy row tears a once-thriving village church apart as furious bishop hits out at the upset parishioners who want rid of their controversial rector

An unholy row has torn apart a previously blissful church congregation in a small town in Cheshire after the appointment of a controversial rector who has allegedly caused so much division some parishioners get a nosebleed talking about it. Rev Dr Janine Arnott was appointed to her role in Malpas, near the Welsh border, in June 2022, and presided over her congregation at 14th-century church St Oswald's as it dwindled from 60 to just ten. Now the feud between the reverend and the town has become so heated an entire choir has been sacked, a bishop left furious, poison pen letters have littered the town and the chief bell ringer removed from their post. The row escalated so severely that Right Reverend Bishop Mark Tanner has sent a letter warning of the 'devastating' effects to upset parishioners - and police have even become involved. The last straw for locals is said to have come in May when, during VE Day celebrations, Rev Arnott was accused of refusing to allow a village choir to sing a rendition of I Vow to Thee My Country in the churchyard. The discontent began during a meeting with the church choir in 2023, in which Rev Arnott told members they could no longer sing the Agnus Dei, which is a prayer that often precedes Communion, in Latin due to canon rules. Resident Diana Webber resigned her position over the disagreement, and reported Rev Arnott 'appeared to have taken a dislike to the choir.' A PCC meeting held soon afterwards on Palm Sunday resulted in a vote of no confidence in Rev Arnott, which she lost by a landslide, led by disgruntled parishioner Liane Smith, 65. Following the meeting, Ms Smith was accused of attempting to publish minutes from the meeting in the parish newsletter, but this was vetoed by Rev Arnott. Ms Smith told the Times: 'They were shortened minutes, but they had the salient facts in. Just to fit on an A5 page in the back of the parish news. And that was considered 'vexatious'.' Rev Arnott reportedly then asked Ms Smith to step back from her roles related to the church and as editor of the parish newsletter - although is said to have made clear she was still welcome to attend church. 'I thought that was quite excessive and had nothing to do with the fact that I had published, or attempted to publish the minutes,' she said. 'I left the church at that point [… ] My husband and I have been married for 45 years and have been churchgoers for that whole time. Now we no longer go to any church.' Ms Smith's departure prompted a flood of church laypersons to leave their positions, leaving Rev Arnott ever more isolated. Malpas residents have reported being distressed by the feud that has taken over their once-peaceful town, with one telling journalists they couldn't talk about it without getting a nosebleed. Since her appointment, the rector has been accused of banning individuals from the church choir - which has since been disbanded - removing chief bellringer Ben Kellett and barring access to the bell tower with broomsticks. Local Dr Gregory Williams, 60, said: 'Within a short period of time, the director of music resigned and the choir left. A while later, the tower captain was locked out of the bell tower with no explanation given and the bell tower door was barricaded. 'The bells fell silent. The congregation numbers soon collapsed, and at the current time, very little money is coming into the church.' Then this Easter, anonymous poison pen letters and flyers bearing the seal of the Diocese of Chester appeared on cars and were stuck to the walls of the Cathedral of Cheshire. They read: 'Dear Bishop Mark. Please do your moral duty and protect your flock. We shouldn't have to keep toeing the line only to get demonised by you. It's disgusting. 'You wasted our time and kept your hands clean for three years now at our expense. You know it, as do we.' Bishop Tanner was left so angry by the move he issued a letter to Malpas residents slamming them as 'anonymous, factually incorrect, libellous, and sought by forgery to impersonate a bishop.' He added: 'The impact on any future recruitment of clergy to serve in Malpas is devastating. 'We who have a long-term concern for the life and work of St Oswald's Church need to realise how this behaviour will appear to any candidates in the future who are considering moving to serve the village. 'If we wish to present a different image, we must take action to express the kind of community we believe ourselves to be. I am, of course, aware that there are other issues of concern in the church and village, and am fully engaged with every valid concern that is raised.' The Church's legal team also wrote to the PCC and accused critics of misogynism. 'Of particular alarm is the misogynist tone of the letter - it is difficult not to comprehend the inference that your lawfully appointed incumbent is akin to a witch with a broomstick and the village should attend an 'Open Forum' on the matter,' it read. 'This isn't childish or petty, it is unlawful and inexcusable harassment.' The Diocese of Chester said: 'We are concerned and deeply saddened by the ongoing tensions within parts of the Malpas church community which have presented significant challenges within the parish. The Bishop of Chester has been fully involved in responding to these matters and actively seeking a resolution. 'It is entirely appropriate for parishioners to raise concerns or seek clarification on leadership and pastoral matters, however there appears to be an intention by some to cause damage, disruption, and division. 'The police and other authorities are now involved due to the nature and content of these activities. The Rector is receiving appropriate support and will not be commenting publicly. 'We continue to pray for healing and understanding within the parish and ask all involved to engage respectfully and constructively.' A spokesperson for Cheshire Constabulary has asked anyone with information about the case to contact them. A spokesperson for the Force said: 'We can confirm that we have received reports of harassment related to the Church in Malpas. 'The allegations were reported on Sunday April 20 and enquiries are in the early stages at this time. 'Anyone with any information is asked to contact quoting IML 2066815.'

‘The bell tower door was barricaded': The 14th-century church at war over its priest
‘The bell tower door was barricaded': The 14th-century church at war over its priest

Telegraph

time6 days ago

  • General
  • Telegraph

‘The bell tower door was barricaded': The 14th-century church at war over its priest

Not much happens in Malpas, a small Cheshire market town set in lush countryside near the border of Wales. With a stately medieval church at its centre, a population of roughly 1,600, and an overactive Facebook group, the biggest news is usually distributed by the parish newsletter and is no more scandalous than the cancellation of the number 41 bus. Recently, however, Malpas has been set alight by an explosive row between its rector and her parishioners – one that has made national headlines and torn the church and the town in two. On an early summer's afternoon in the centre of town, the church is locked and the surrounding roads are quiet. With my notebook and a photographer in tow, a dog walker eyes me warily. The people of Malpas are not used to the media attention. Parochial disputes like this also do not usually make it out of the pages of the Church Times, but the heated battle for St Oswald's, a 14th-century church set atop a hill in the centre of Malpas, has unfolded in a spectacularly dramatic fashion. Once you get people started on the subject, the floodgates open. A vocal group of parishioners and former lay people claim that the Rev Dr Janine Arnott, the rector in question, has taken what was a thriving rural parish – an increasing rarity in the Church of England – and put its flock asunder. She is variously accused of banning individuals from the choir (it has since been disbanded entirely), removing the chief bellringer, barring access to the bell tower with 'broomsticks', and has reportedly overseen the dwindling of the congregation of around 60 to fewer than 10 people. The recent village-wide celebrations of VE Day in May this year were seen by many to be the last straw, as Arnott reportedly declined to allow a village choir to sing a rendition of I Vow To Thee My Country in the churchyard (her detractors claim that this was because some members were her ex-congregants). 'The story here is of a complete lack of accountability of a newly trained minister who is clearly having difficulty running her first parish,' claims one parishioner, Dr Gregory Williams, 60. 'Within a short period of time, the director of music resigned and the choir left. A while later, the tower captain was locked out of the bell tower with no explanation given and the bell tower door was barricaded. The bells fell silent. The congregation numbers soon collapsed, and at the current time, very little money is coming into the church,' he says. In fact, the tower captain, Ben Kellett, had apparently found himself locked out of the tower after declining Arnott's request to sign a 'volunteer' agreement outlining his duties. Arnott had also asked Kellett for a list of churchgoers with keys to the tower and, it is claimed, took issue when he did not provide one. Several parishioners wrote to the Bishop of Cheshire, the Right Rev Mark Tanner, hoping to persuade him to intervene, and even filed an 'informal' complaint, which wasn't upheld. Now, an insurgent group of Malpas parishioners or allies – their identities remain unknown – have taken matters into their own hands, and Tanner has had to intervene after 'libellous' flyers signed from the 'Little Malpas People' were plastered around Chester Cathedral over Easter. One of the flyers, glued to the exterior of the cathedral with permanent adhesive, said: 'Dear Bishop Mark. Please do your moral duty and protect your flock. We shouldn't have to keep toeing the line only to get demonised by you. It's disgusting. You wasted our time and kept your hands clean for three years now at our expense. You know it, as do we.' Notes were also left on the windscreens of cars nearby in envelopes that appeared to bear the seal of the Diocese of Chester. It signified a nasty escalation of a dispute that has been raging since Arnott was appointed to take over the large rural parish in June 2022. In a letter sent to churchgoers, Tanner said the leaflets calling for her removal were 'anonymous, factually incorrect, libellous, and sought by forgery to impersonate a bishop.' A separate letter to the parochial church council (PCC) from the diocesan legal team, which was leaked to the local newspaper, the Whitchurch Herald, last month, said Arnott is a victim of 'unlawful and inexcusable harassment'. One churchgoer, meanwhile, told The Telegraph that she has been so upset by the rector's behaviour that she can't speak about the dispute without getting a nosebleed. The rift began with an unlikely argument over the Agnus Dei. In a meeting with the church choir in 2023 that has since become infamous locally, Arnott told them they could no longer sing this prayer (which often precedes Communion) in Latin as they had done for years, as this was against canon law. Diana Webber, a former safeguarding officer, resigned over this disagreement and Arnott's handling of relationships with parishioners. From the start, she was 'very concerned about [Arnott's] attitude,' Webber says, claiming that Arnott 'appeared to have taken a dislike to the choir.' A PCC meeting was called shortly afterwards – unfortunately, on Palm Sunday, the first day of Holy Week, despite protestations from members of the council. The meeting became heated when Liane Smith, 65, a former PCC member, stood up and called a vote of no confidence over the rector's 'authoritarian' leadership style. It turns out, perhaps unsurprisingly given the scale of the row, that confidence was in short supply. '[Arnott] counted the votes and it was, if I recall correctly, 23 had no confidence, three had confidence in her, and six abstained,' Smith says (this was before the alleged exodus of church members took place). Arnott said she had been 'trying to run the church calmly in the face of strong opposition', according to minutes of the meeting. In an apparent attempt to oust her, Smith then attempted to publish the minutes of the meeting (including the details of the vote against Arnott) in the parish newsletter, but says she was prevented from doing so by the rector. 'They were shortened minutes, but they had the salient facts in,' she says. 'Just to fit on an A5 page in the back of the parish news. And that was considered 'vexatious'.' Despite losing a vote of confidence, Arnott remained in post. Smith was subsequently asked by Arnott to step down from her roles, including as the parish newsletter's editor (Arnott made clear, though, that she was welcome to continue worshipping at the church). 'I thought that was quite excessive and had nothing to do with the fact that I had published, or attempted to publish the minutes,' she says. 'I left the church at that point [… ] My husband and I have been married for 45 years and have been churchgoers for that whole time. Now we no longer go to any church.' Most of the existing church laypersons eventually resigned or were asked to leave. They carry with them a range of grievances and accusations, some more reasonable than others. Among the complaints is the disbanding of a longstanding, talented church choir. One anonymous parishioner criticises Dr Arnott as 'one of those born-again Christians' who does not face the East (face the altar) for Communion. What is clear, however, is that deep ill-feeling runs on both sides. The situation escalated this year with leaflets distributed to Malpas residents and plastered on Chester Cathedral calling for Arnott's removal. It is not known who is responsible. While some locals say this smear campaign has undermined their genuine concerns about the running of the Church – one said they were 'furious' as it 'gives them a bad name' – others are unrepentant. Williams describes the flyers as 'not an act of crime but actually a courageous act, a heartfelt cry for help from yet one more individual or group of people who feel that they are being let down by the Church of England.' A spokesperson for the diocese of Chester says that parishes 'operate with a large degree of autonomy, provided they act within legal boundaries', adding: 'The Bishop and other diocesan figures have limited scope to intervene directly in parish matters. However, we have consistently offered support, guidance, and assistance throughout this situation as we would elsewhere. 'Whilst it would not be right to comment publicly on personal pastoral matters, wherever the diocese is aware of matters which require response, appropriate action is taken involving other authorities where necessary. 'The Bishop is aware of the concerns raised locally in and around St Oswald's and has been engaging through proper channels. Whilst we are not commenting further at this time in order to care for those involved, all are encouraged to remain in conversation, and support is available for anyone who wishes to access it.' Arnott declined to comment. Parish disputes – even those as bitter as this – are, sadly, increasingly common. In a curiously similar case in Wiltshire, for instance, a church choir refused to continue singing over a dispute with their vicar, Father Oliver Learmont, and his handling of relationships in the parish. A number of lay people resigned. Last year, Church of England clergy warned that some vicars were being bullied out of their posts by parishioners, who were taking over PCC meetings and launching malicious email campaigns against them. Some in Malpas feel the discord in parish churches – which have, for generations, been the backbone of the Church of England – points to a lack of direction in the organisation as a whole. That appears unlikely to be rectified any time soon, with the Church awaiting the appointment of a new archbishop of Canterbury, seven months after Justin Welby announced that he planned to stand down over failures in the handling of an abuse scandal. 'The state of the Church of England at the moment is very sad,' says one churchgoer. 'They can choose a Pope in a fortnight. How much longer do we have to wait for directions from the top?' In the meantime, it's clear there will be no winners in Malpas' unholy civil war.

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