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I've spent 10 years studying parents of highly successful kids—5 things they do differently: 'It's not just hard work and grit'
I've always been fascinated by families whose children seem to be on some kind of unusual streak, reaching the top of their career ladders, or, even more interesting to me, blazing trails or following their passions with spectacular results.
What did their parents do differently to empower them? What do researchers really know about what's effective in giving kids the support they need to succeed? Given that siblings are often so different, what seemed to be helpful across the board?
For my book, "The Family Dynamic: A Journey Into the Mysteries of Sibling Success," I interviewed dozens of parents of high-achieving children and interviewed well over 100 experts. As a mom of twin boys who are now teenagers, here's what I found to be the most convincing.
You can provide all the enrichment in the world and encourage your child to excel in school, but if they don't internalize a sense of possibility, their academic strengths might only take them so far.
I was amazed by the consistency of the outlook of the parents I interviewed, who encouraged their kids to think big, feel hope and stay positive.
Marilyn Holifield, one of three siblings from Tallahassee who became influential civil rights activists, told me that the unspoken motto in her household was, "All things possible." And Amalia Murguia, who raised seven children in humble circumstances, several of whom became national figures (in philanthropy, civil rights and the federal courts), would also say, "With God's help, all things are possible."
One fascinating study showed that parents often don't know what to say when children say they don't want to take math and science classes that can be crucial for academic success.
The researchers followed up by providing pamphlets and website links to help parents tailor their motivational approach to their own children. If their child wanted to be professional soccer players, for example, the parents might say, "Oh, when you're a pro athlete, you need to be able to stay on top of your finances, which can be quite important at that pay scale."
Telling kids to focus on something practical won't inspire them. Instead, parents were to focus on what would make that learning seem valuable to their children, based on their interests. The SAT scores of kids whose parents used this approach (compared to parents randomly assigned to a control) ended up with ACT math and science scores that were 12% higher.
One study that stuck with me found that parents often underestimate how capable their children are — and how much they will learn from trying hard even in every day tasks.
The experimenters gave 4-year-olds at a children's museum the opportunity to dress themselves in hockey gear for play, and some parents were reminded that kids can learn from dressing themselves. They sat back and let the child figure out the various straps and how to put on the gear, which they did successfully.
Kids are capable of more than we think — and we know that when parents intervene, it's demotivating, so we should encourage self-sufficiency, rather than be afraid of the smallest struggles.
Jeannine Groff, the mother of an Olympian, an award-winning novelist and a serial entrepreneurial, showed me how she keeps all the plastic dishes and cups on floor of the bottom cabinet in her kitchen, so her grandchildren can serve themselves.
Learning doesn't just happen from puzzles and books; it happens in the everyday activities.
Especially since the pandemic, developmental psychologists are making a shift away from research on how to encourage hard work, and towards research on how to foster a love of learning and a deep curiosity.
So many of the parents I wrote about in my book seemed to think that travel was one way to foster that, and some research backs that thinking up. The Emanuels — three famous brothers who have been at the top of the entertainment, political and bioethics fields — said their father believed "it was absolutely necessary for an understanding of the world, and oneself."
I remember interviewing the parents of one set of incredible siblings for whom travel was so important that they saved all year for one big trip; and they brought two weeks' worth of homemade snacks so they wouldn't have to pay for that on the road.
What all of these lessons have in common is that the parents I interviewed brought love and joy to helping their children grow. For the most part, they were there to support their children, but didn't see themselves as their coaches and critics.
Diane Paulus, the Broadway director, was dancing the American Ballet Theater at a very young age, but her mother's approach, for me personally, was an inspiring model. Her mother, she said, had a way of "watching without desire."
Our job is to expose our kids to opportunities, know them well enough to motivate them with love, and then let their own desires provide all the drive they need.
