2 days ago
What Does It Mean To Be a Modern Dad?
Every spring, when Mother's Day and Father's Day roll around, many of us ponder what an ideal holiday honoring our leadership within the family might look like. Coffee in bed? An uninterrupted afternoon nap? Maybe just a day of serenity with no scuffles between young siblings? These all sound great to me… but this year, I find myself contemplating something larger: What does it really mean to be a 'father' in 2025, anyway?
I suppose in order to really unpack that question, we need to consider how the paternal role has evolved so dramatically over the last century.
First things first: I don't identify closely with the term 'father.' According to my kids' birth certificates, I am indeed a father of two, but I consider myself a dad. And having interviewed well over a hundred other dads on my podcast, Modern Dadhood, it's clear that I'm not alone. In discussing the evolution of the 1940s and '50s father to the father of the 1980s, when co-host Marc Checket and I were growing up, to the modern dad of 2025, several recurring ideas have surfaced, which I'd argue are central to the way we understand the modern dad.
Modern dads instinctually strive to be engaged, empathetic, and mindful parents. Comedian Pete Holmes seeks to explain why, suggesting that for most of us, modern life is much more 'comfortable' than it was for our predecessors of decades past, which creates more space for that present, mindful parenting:'You can't really spend too much time wondering about your child's needs if you're worried about food or shelter or whatever it might be. And I just think modern life having gotten more comfortable, just literally like pizza being delivered… in the '80s, that was a newer thing. They'll drive it to your house! And the Internet. […] And every time I'm sitting at a dinner table, let's say, and I realize in a panic that I didn't reply to a very important email, and I just do it. I just take out my phone, I search for it, find it, yes, let's do this. Send. And I'm back at dinner. I have more time to get down on one knee and mirror my daughter's reality to her.'
More than ever in history, men are embracing the importance of their mental health and choosing to make it a priority in their lives. I believe that the act of self reflection and a desire for self-improvement and open, honest communication lead to a vulnerability which men have resisted in the past. I believe that embracing vulnerability can lead to a closer relationship with our partners and our children. Men's coach Sean Hotchkiss suggests that therapy is beneficial for men at any age, even those with grown children:
'Just because of the way that things are and how mainstream therapy has become, how destigmatized some of these things have become, I feel like it's starting younger. […] I have seen just beautiful things with men with grown kids, the work that they've done on themselves, rewiring those relationships, kind of putting an end to the old relationship and having this whole rebirth and new connection with their kids, initiated by either them or the kids as they begin to change and shift how they show up with their kids.'
Every family is different, but more so than ever in recent history, today's dads are naturally and instinctually embracing parenting responsibilities. This is still very much a 'work in progress,' though; according to a 2019 Gallup poll, 78% of mothers say they do more than their partner in managing their children's schedules and activities, and 57% of mothers with children under 5 say they do more to meet their children's basic needs, such as feeding, bathing, or changing diapers. (Men tend to report these responsibilities to be more equally distributed.)
Margaret Ables, co-host of the podcast What Fresh Hell: Laughing in the Face of Motherhood, shares her take on gender roles and parenting equity:
'The balance can look like anything in any given relationship versus, 'Dads do these things, and moms do these things.' […] Because of who we are and our age and whatever else, we still came in with fairly strong gender roles in our division. And I do think I see this in the next generation with my nieces and nephews, that they're coming in much more with a blank slate on those issues. So it doesn't always have to be like, 'Well, of course you'll work, and of course I'll stay home, and of course I'll make the meals, and of course you'll do the grilling on Sundays.' They're coming in with less weighted versions of gender roles.'
And with that, I move to officially change Father's Day to Dads' Day. (I briefly contemplated Modern Dad's Day, but it just felt too self-serving.) As for Mothers' Day? That one's up to the moms.
These guest quotes were sourced from episodes of the parenting podcast Modern Dadhood, which are linked below if you care to dig deeper:
⇢ What Will Our Kids Be Saying About Us? | Comedian Pete Holmes
⇢ U Mad Bro? | Men's Coach Sean Hotchkiss
⇢ Parenting Podcast Collab | What Fresh Hell | Margaret Ables
Adam Flaherty is the creator and co-host of Modern Dadhood, a fatherhood and parenting podcast available on all podcast platforms including Apple Podcasts and Spotify.
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