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The Onion
07-05-2025
- The Onion
Teacher Can Tell Child With Spiky Hair, Sunglasses Comes From A Rad Home
TUCSON, AZ—Expressing concerns after she observed several of the telltale warning signs, fourth-grade teacher Patricia Cormac told reporters Wednesday that she could tell a student in her class with spiky hair and sunglasses came from a rad home. 'When you've been in this profession as long as I have, little behavioral tics like skateboarding into school 10 minutes late or repeatedly hitting classmates with a thumbs-ups can be a red flag that a child is experiencing some totally sick behavior behind the scenes,' said Cormac, confirming that her suspicions began when she saw markings around her student's arms and shoulders that were likely left by a badass temporary tattoo of a dinosaur. 'At this point, it's too early to say how severe the situation is. It could just be that the family is going through a pretty awesome period and things will settle back to normal, but it could be something larger. I remember we had a case a couple years ago where it turned out a student had nothing to eat at home but Mountain Dew Code Red and triple pepperoni pizzas with extra cheese.' Cormac added that in this case it was likely a social worker would eventually be called in to do a chillness check.
New York Post
07-05-2025
- Entertainment
- New York Post
Best of the Babylon Bee: Trump expands Alcatraz by building fences around San Francisco and more
Every week, The Post will bring you our picks of the best one-liners and stories from satirical site the Babylon Bee to take the edge off Hump Day. Want more of a chuckle? Be sure to click the links. Polls showed overwhelming support among Americans for fencing San Francisco off from the rest of the country, with President Trump promising that Nancy Pelosi will be included in the expansion. READ MORE Coach Belichick said that he is confident that his girlfriend, Jordon Hudson, would be safe in the playpen while he led practice for the UNC Tarheels. READ MORE Oscar the Grouch was reportedly very miserable at the fact that every muppet in the neighborhood has moved into his trash can. READ MORE 'Bro time' for the cardinals reportedly consists of firing up the Vatican's Nintendo 64, guzzling down liters of Mountain Dew Code Red, and hanging out in their extravagant papal pillow forts. READ MORE
