22-05-2025
FAQs on surviving a nuclear attack
I am a survival expert with more than 40 years of experience in survival. I have produced unlimited quantities of content on surviving catastrophes such as earthquake, tsunami, pandemic and fascism. In view of the recent disagreements between India and Pakistan, and on popular demand, I am sharing a handy guide on how to survive a nuclear explosion.
Q: Which phone camera is best for shooting a mushroom cloud?
A: Most people, when they hear a nuclear explosion, can't resist opening their windows to make an Insta reel with the legendary mushroom cloud as backdrop. The temptation is understandable, since this is likely a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. My advice: don't waste your time on it. Why? Because you can't really see the elegant mushroom shape if you are actually sitting inside that mushroom, can you?
Q: Reading is my hobby. How many books can I pack in my evacuation trunk?
A: Ideally, your evacuation bag (not trunk) should only contain your passport, three water bottles, a flashlight, a first aid kit, and half a million dollars in cash (just in case the rupee crashes). It's true that with the Internet down, you'll have time on your hands. But resist the temptation to pack 10-12 books. If you must, there is one classic that should take care of all your reading requirements: How to Think and Grow Rich in a Country Ruined by War by Napoleon Hell. It is full of insights, and like war, it never gets old.
This column is a satirical take on life and society.
Q: I would like to pack some dosa batter in my emergency suitcase. Which brand can best withstand nuclear radiation?
A: Sorry, no liquids in the emergency bag (not suitcase). What if your dosa batter leaks and ruins your passport? However, you can pack as much Mysore pak as you like — it contains micronutrients that insulate the pancreas from electromagnetic waves. That's why doctors tell you not to eat Mysore pak for 24 hours before USB ultrasound of abdomen.
Q: Once the nuclear dust settles down, I want to tell my pro-war friends, 'I told you so! War has no winners. Admit it, you are all morons!' Is that ok?
A: No! You're making a fresh start in life as a nuclear holocaust survivor, and the first thing you want to do is win a petty argument? Every person is entitled to their opinions, even if they are downright stupid and dangerous ones that would likely kill the person holding those opinions.
Q: My grandmother says I can protect myself from radiation-induced cancer by regularly drinking a potion made out of ashwagandha, tulsi, brahmi, amla, triphala, turmeric, and licorice root. Will this potion work?
A: What about adding cardamom, bitter melon, cumin, gotu kola and Boswellia also to your potion? There may not be any scientific research that says they'll protect you from cancer but that doesn't mean they won't. Make sure not to leave out any Ayurvedic herb sold in the market.
Q: I searched on Google Maps for 'nuclear shelters near me'. Nothing came up. What should I do?
A: India has a big population. Just because a large section of it likes war doesn't mean the government is obliged to build nuclear shelters for 1.46 billion people. Please remember we are a market economy. If there is demand, the supply will come, and indeed, India already has world class construction firms that are selling ready-to-move in luxury bunkers (currently available only in Gurugram and Jorbagh). These don't come cheap, but history tells us the richer you are, the higher your chances of surviving catastrophe.
Q: I am thinking of booking a 5-BHK apartment in an ultra-luxury multipurpose underground shelter. The builder says they have 27 million cubic feet of storage space for stocking essentials and is promising a self-sustained dwelling environment with the 'exact feel of your life above ground' for up to five years. They even showed us a 3D rendition of the bunker. I liked everything except for one thing: there is hardly any natural light coming in the living room. Should I still pay the token amount?
A: There are far better builders in India when it comes to promises. Just look around for one who promises natural light in a shelter that's 70 ft. underground.
Q: I have an elaborate plan with foolproof protocols and arrangements to survive a nuclear strike. So why am I still feeling stressed out about it?
A: As Mike Tyson said, 'Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the mouth.' If it was up to me, I would plan on not getting into a fist fight in the first place.
The author of this satire, is Social Affairs Editor, The Hindu.
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