Latest news with #NormaBarrett
Yahoo
10 hours ago
- Entertainment
- Yahoo
Mime publicly shames dad in front of wife carrying baby and heavy bag at SeaWorld: ‘Passenger parenting'
It's the viral TikTok doing the rounds again: a mime at SeaWorld sees a mom carrying a baby and a heavy backpack, looks at the dad walking beside her, and does what the internet has dubbed a public service. The mime takes the baby bag from the mom, dumps it on the dad's shoulder, gives her a playful pat on the back, and walks off to cheers from the crowd. The mime then turns back to the mom, does a phone-to-the-ear gesture, and mouths 'call me.' It's funny. Until it's not. Because while we're all in on the joke, and the crowd is cheering and TikTok commenters are lining up with popcorn GIFs, what we're actually laughing at is the tired old trope of one partner (usually a father, but not always) coasting through parenting while the other is drowning in it. The timing of the clip's resurgence couldn't be more apt. This weekend, the ABC published a report on a phenomenon dubbed 'passenger parenting,' based on new research by Norma Barrett from Deakin University. Barrett and her team interviewed Australian fathers of young children and uncovered a troubling theme: men who want to be equal partners in parenting, but instead find themselves on the outer. Not because they don't care. Not because they're lazy. But because the structure of early parenthood, and outdated social norms, push them to the side. Barrett's research reveals that dads can feel like 'sidekicks' in their own families. The early days of parenting often see moms take the reins – for practical and physical reasons, yes, but also because that's the expectation. From breastfeeding to baby appointments, moms become the default parents. And even when both partners are well-intentioned, this default dynamic can stick around long after it's useful or necessary. The result? One partner feeling burdened, burnt out, and unsupported. The other feeling excluded, unsure of their role, and eventually disengaged. It's a dynamic that can quietly erode a relationship, leave kids with a skewed idea of what partnership looks like, and rob families of the opportunity to thrive as a team. And while passenger parenting might look suspiciously like weaponised incompetence, there's an important distinction. Psychologist Carly Dober explains in the ABC article that weaponised incompetence is deliberate helplessness. Passenger parenting, on the other hand, is often born from uncertainty, guilt, and a lack of opportunity to build confidence as a parent. It's not malicious. But it is harmful. For starters, we stop laughing. Not in a humourless way (because yes, the mime video is objectively hilarious). But in a way that recognises the harm in normalising imbalance. This isn't about dad-shaming or creating yet another parental guilt pile-on. It's about all partners – dads, moms, everyone in between – being aware of the dynamic they're living in. And then working together to change it. It helps to get specific. If you feel like a passenger parent, ask your partner where they'd most appreciate support. Take responsibility for certain tasks. Learn how to do them well. Get involved in the micro-decisions, not just the fun stuff. If you're the one doing the bulk of the load, try to share your knowledge in a way that builds the other person up, not shuts them down. Ultimately, what our kids see matters. If we want to raise a generation that sees parenting as a shared responsibility, they need to witness that in need to see both parents carrying the bags, making the calls, doing the bedtime stories, and deciding what's for lunch. So yes, have a laugh at the mime video. But don't stop there. Use it as a mirror. Ask yourself: in this family, who's carrying the weight – physically, mentally, emotionally? And what can we do, together, to even the load? Because passenger parenting might be common. But that doesn't make it okay. And it definitely doesn't have to be permanent.
New York Post
16 hours ago
- Entertainment
- New York Post
Mime publicly shames dad in front of wife carrying baby and heavy bag at SeaWorld: ‘Passenger parenting'
It's the viral TikTok doing the rounds again: a mime at SeaWorld sees a mom carrying a baby and a heavy backpack, looks at the dad walking beside her, and does what the internet has dubbed a public service. The mime takes the baby bag from the mom, dumps it on the dad's shoulder, gives her a playful pat on the back, and walks off to cheers from the crowd. The mime then turns back to the mom, does a phone-to-the-ear gesture, and mouths 'call me.' 4 The mime takes the baby bag from the mom, dumps it on the dad's shoulder, gives her a playful pat on the back, and walks off to cheers from the crowd. TikTok/@fiestascondjnova It's funny. Until it's not. The joke that hits too close to home Because while we're all in on the joke, and the crowd is cheering and TikTok commenters are lining up with popcorn GIFs, what we're actually laughing at is the tired old trope of one partner (usually a father, but not always) coasting through parenting while the other is drowning in it. Passenger parenting, explained The timing of the clip's resurgence couldn't be more apt. This weekend, the ABC published a report on a phenomenon dubbed 'passenger parenting,' based on new research by Norma Barrett from Deakin University. 4 The timing of the clip's resurgence couldn't be more apt. Syda Productions – Barrett and her team interviewed Australian fathers of young children and uncovered a troubling theme: men who want to be equal partners in parenting, but instead find themselves on the outer. Not because they don't care. Not because they're lazy. But because the structure of early parenthood, and outdated social norms, push them to the side. Barrett's research reveals that dads can feel like 'sidekicks' in their own families. The early days of parenting often see moms take the reins – for practical and physical reasons, yes, but also because that's the expectation. From breastfeeding to baby appointments, moms become the default parents. And even when both partners are well-intentioned, this default dynamic can stick around long after it's useful or necessary. Burnout, resentment and disconnection The result? One partner feeling burdened, burnt out, and unsupported. The other feeling excluded, unsure of their role, and eventually disengaged. It's a dynamic that can quietly erode a relationship, leave kids with a skewed idea of what partnership looks like, and rob families of the opportunity to thrive as a team. And while passenger parenting might look suspiciously like weaponised incompetence, there's an important distinction. 4 Barrett's research reveals that dads can feel like 'sidekicks' in their own families. Elio – Psychologist Carly Dober explains in the ABC article that weaponised incompetence is deliberate helplessness. Passenger parenting, on the other hand, is often born from uncertainty, guilt, and a lack of opportunity to build confidence as a parent. It's not malicious. But it is harmful. So how do we fix it? For starters, we stop laughing. Not in a humourless way (because yes, the mime video is objectively hilarious). But in a way that recognises the harm in normalising imbalance. This isn't about dad-shaming or creating yet another parental guilt pile-on. It's about all partners – dads, moms, everyone in between – being aware of the dynamic they're living in. And then working together to change it. 4 Psychologist Carly Dober explains in the ABC article that weaponised incompetence is deliberate helplessness. motortion – It helps to get specific. If you feel like a passenger parent, ask your partner where they'd most appreciate support. Take responsibility for certain tasks. Learn how to do them well. Get involved in the micro-decisions, not just the fun stuff. If you're the one doing the bulk of the load, try to share your knowledge in a way that builds the other person up, not shuts them down. What our kids are watching Ultimately, what our kids see matters. If we want to raise a generation that sees parenting as a shared responsibility, they need to witness that in action. Every morning, the NY POSTcast offers a deep dive into the headlines with the Post's signature mix of politics, business, pop culture, true crime and everything in between. Subscribe here! They need to see both parents carrying the bags, making the calls, doing the bedtime stories, and deciding what's for lunch. So yes, have a laugh at the mime video. But don't stop there. Use it as a mirror. Ask yourself: in this family, who's carrying the weight – physically, mentally, emotionally? And what can we do, together, to even the load? Because passenger parenting might be common. But that doesn't make it okay. And it definitely doesn't have to be permanent.
ABC News
2 days ago
- General
- ABC News
What is passenger parenting and can it be overcome?
Parenting is an intense ride and always being the one in the driver's seat can take its toll. And having someone firmly entrenched as passenger can actually be damaging for both partners and the relationship. Recent research found that in heterosexual relationships, where it is mums most often taking the wheel, some dads can experience a phenomenon labelled "passenger parenting". The term was coined by Norma Barrett, the study's co-author and lecturer in public health and health promotion at Deakin University in Warrnambool, on the traditional lands of the Gunditjmara people in regional Victoria. She explains that while fathers are becoming increasingly engaged in daily family life, the persistence of a gendered norm means some feel on the "outskirts" when it comes to parenting decisions. And parenting alongside a passenger parent isn't easy, says Carly Dober, a psychologist and policy coordinator at the Australian Association of Psychologists. She says mothers who are carrying the lion's share of caring responsibilities because the men in their lives are not participating more may feel burdened. "It can be really stressful if you do feel you are the default parent and wearing the emotional and cognitive load of all decisions," she says. So, what can you do if you're stuck in a driver-passenger parent dynamic? And, because passenger parenting can look a lot like weaponised incompetence, we explain the difference. While some dads Ms Barrett spoke to were "happy to go with the flow" and be led by their partner, most wanted to fully share the whole experience but felt "shut out" from doing so. She says the "sidekick" parenting role often begins for practical and social reasons. For example, it's most often mothers who take time off to care for the baby. "There are physical reasons for that [being the birthing parent], and also if the baby is being breastfed then naturally it will be the mother that is going to do that," Ms Barrett says. Dads may have little to no time off before returning to work, and the parent spending the bulk of the time with the child becomes "specialised" in the gig of parenting. Ms Dober says dads might feel like they are not as equipped to do things like dress the child, how and when to feed the child, and what health appointments they need, for example. Some men in Ms Barrett's research expressed passenger parenting had a negative impact on their relationships. "They are trying to be more involved in decision making, like around caring for the baby, feeding the baby, trying to be part of it, and if struggles were arising, coming up with solutions — but not always feeling like they knew the right language or approach. Fathers can get stuck in their passenger role beyond the transition into parenthood, explains Ms Barrett, because even when mothers might return to work and the caring load should equalise, dads haven't had the same "parenting boot camp", leaving them on the backfoot. Do you feel like the passenger parent in your family? Or perhaps you're tired of always being the one in the driver's seat. Share with us at lifestyle@ Ms Dober says while some women may be happy to take a leadership role in parenting, others may feel there is a pressure to be the "expert parent". Whether it's a role they are comfortable with or not, it can be a difficult one to fulfil, with consequences for their wellbeing, career, and financial future. If current working patterns continue, the average 25-year-old woman today who goes on to have one child can expect to make $2 million less in lifetime earnings compared to the average 25-year-old man who also becomes a parent. Research also shows twice as many women as men experience parental burnout, due to the fact women still carry 70 per cent of the family mental load. "There are so many micro decisions in the day-to-day of parenting that really do add up — an infinite amount of decision to make," Ms Dober says. The relationship can be impacted if women feel they aren't supported, she says. "There might be resentment if you perceive your passenger parent is just deferring to you because they can't be bothered or prefer you managing it." In intimate partner relationships, weaponised incompetence is often evident in the division of domestic tasks and caring labour. It is when someone "demonstrates helplessness, real or false, in order to avoid certain tasks or responsibility, thus making other people [often their partner and/or co-parent] feel they have to step in and do it for them," Ms Dober told us for a previous article. What makes passenger parenting different is intent, she explains. "Weaponised incompetence is when you might be trying to gain more spare time to rest, socialise, or just tend to your own needs versus those of the family. "Passenger parenting is feeling like you have less agency. There isn't malicious intent — although it can look the same depending on some behaviours." Ms Dober says passenger parents will feel like they are missing out on something, and can "take a beating to their self-esteem". Parenting expert and dad to six daughters Justin Coulson says while some dads are "happy to take a back seat", in his experience, men overwhelmingly want to be more involved. While there are societal and structural barriers to reaching equality in co-parenting relationships, such as making it more viable for dads to take parental leave, there are some ways individuals can work towards improvement. Dr Coulson recommends couples have weekly check-ins. "On a Sunday morning when things are relatively quiet, my wife and I sit down and ask three questions. First, 'What's going well?' And we just take a minute to bask in the sunshine of success." Secondly, they ask "What hasn't worked this week?" "It's not a finger-pointing exercise, rather saying 'I've struggled here', of 'I could have done with more support on Wednesday night when three things were happening at once'," Dr Coulson says as an example. Lastly, "What could we work on this week?" "And the critical part of that is put together a plan to make that happen," he says. While Ms Barrett's research recommended couples have conversations early on about their parenting expectations, Ms Dober says those can change over time. She says parents can regularly touch base on what they would like to do more, or less of. For dads who feel like they don't have agency, that might be expressing what they would like to have more expertise in, or what challenges they think could benefit them in learning to do more? Ms Dober says parents need to be kind to themselves, and each other. "Understanding that parenting is hard — you're both on this journey together, and figuring out what parenting looks like for your family. "And that might be different to others, and to how you grew up."
