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5 Major Reasons Why People Cheat, According to Couples Therapists
Anyone who's been cheated on in a relationship knows the question that hits the hardest is Why? As quick as we are to condemn infidelity, the reasons why people cheat often aren't black-and-white—and that gray area can be incredibly frustrating to make sense of. If they needed something they weren't getting in your relationship, why not speak up? Or break up?
While sometimes it is as simple as being an inconsiderate or impulsive asshole, in many cases, 'the motivations can be layered and complex,' Patrice Le Goy, PhD, LMFT, a Los Angeles–based couples therapist, tells SELF. Even what seems like a one-time drunken slipup with a stranger is usually rooted in something deeper.
Make no mistake, though: Reasons are not the same thing as excuses. But understanding what drives a person to be unfaithful can offer clarity, closure, and even a starting point for healing. Below, couples therapists break down some of the most common (and perhaps surprising) reasons why people cheat.
Sometimes the motivation is as straightforward as chasing that rush of being wanted or desired by someone new.
In general, people who struggle with low self-esteem or didn't grow up feeling emotionally secure end up craving external validation and reassurance from others. 'They're trying to address more deeply rooted issues of not having love readily available to them in childhood,' Dr. Le Goy says. So while the attention from an emotional or physical affair can seem like an instant way to feel more attractive, desired, or interesting, this ego boost is typically short-lived—and definitely not a substitute for building lasting confidence from within.
So often we hear that someone cheats because the sex isn't what it used to be. And to an extent, intimacy issues like mismatched libidos or differences in preferences can create tension and distance in a relationship, Brianna Brunner, LCSW, psychotherapist and owner of Couples Therapy Services based in New Jersey, tells SELF.
When that bedroom compatibility is missing, 'people might go out and seek that elsewhere from someone they do have that physical chemistry with,' Brunner points out. Suddenly, 'the affair becomes really exciting, since they're getting that desire and rush that they weren't getting before.' Obviously this isn't a respectful or healthy way to go about wanting more or a different type of sex, but it can explain why certain cheaters will cling to the emotional safety of a stable relationship while also chasing steamy passion somewhere else.
Even if the sex is solid, people also cheat because they're feeling unfulfilled or taken for granted with their current partner. Especially in long-term relationships, it's easy for the romance to quietly take a backseat due to things like work stress, raising kids, or managing finances, all of which can make the relationship comfortable, sure, but also emotionally flat.
The best thing to do, according to every expert we spoke with, is to speak up about any concerns before resentment or apathy builds. But according to Theresa Herring, LMFT, a couples therapist at Centered Connections in Chicago, 'We live in a society that is so focused on instant gratification, where an affair can present as a quick fix for problems in a person's life or relationship.' This is often what may lead people to (intentionally or not) fall for someone who compliments them, say, listens closely, or makes them feel seen in a way their SO hasn't.
For some folks who've been hurt in the past (or maybe never had a close, emotionally safe relationship before), letting someone really see you—flaws and all—can seem risky, even terrifying. That level of closeness, according to Herring, can stir up a lot of fear and anxiety. (What if I get hurt again? What if they leave me once they really know me?)
If you want a deep, intimate connection, you have to be willing to work through that discomfort (ideally with some honest, open communication with your SO, maybe even with the help of a couples counselor). Others, however, may subconsciously try to protect themselves by self-sabotaging or pulling away. 'They might think, I'm scared to feel too close. I'm scared of what this might mean,' Herring says. And for some, cheating becomes a way to create that distance—like, If I mess this up before it gets too real, then I won't get hurt. So affairs aren't always about desiring someone else: It can be about running away from the vulnerability that real intimacy demands.
Another common reason why people cheat, according to Brunner and Herring, is wanting an out from the relationship. When someone's unhappy but too scared, guilty, or conflict-averse to explicitly break things off, infidelity can feel like a built-in eject button. Basically, a way to force the relationship to end without ever having to say the words 'I don't want to be with you anymore.'
For obvious reasons, none of this excuses cheating—it's a pretty immature (and hurtful) exit strategy. Because if a relationship isn't working, the most decent thing you can do is have an honest conversation rather than leaving your SO with the emotional fallout.
Short answer: Yes—and luckily, 'once a cheater, always a cheater' isn't some universal truth (more on that here).
That said, your chances of successfully moving forward as a couple depend on a few important factors beyond the why, every expert we spoke to agrees. What matters just as much as the reason behind the affair is whether it's truly over, whether the person who cheated has taken accountability and shown a willingness to rebuild trust, and whether both partners are genuinely committed to doing the hard work—which eventually includes forgiveness.
In many cases, understanding the why behind a betrayal can be an important part of that equation too. 'While for some people, cheating is cheating, for others, certain layers can make the betrayal more or less challenging to overcome,' Dr. Le Goy says. It's not a justification, exactly, but it can be a helpful first step in figuring out whether there's potential to stay together.
Related:
6 Bad Relationship Habits Couples Therapists Are Begging You to Break
9 People on the Signs of Cheating They Wish They'd Paid Attention to Sooner
How Bad Is It to Go Through Your Partner's Phone When They're Not Looking?
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Originally Appeared on Self
