12-03-2025
Big Ange rocks the mashed potato look as Sir Oinky's bubble is busted
Another week, another instalment of long-running British farce 'Prime Minister's Questions' comes to the stage at His Majesty's Westminster Palace Theatre. All our old favourites were there: Sir Oinky, Rachel from Complaints, Big Ange (dressed today in a white fluffy number reminiscent of mashed potato), the resident ghoul Pat McFadden (dressed as always like an undertaker), Paraffin Powell and Bridget Philistine were all present and correct. No sign alas, of fan favourite, the Sage of Tottenham. Presumably he was off trying to pay Mauritania to annex the Isles of Scilly or something.
But lo, a new character arrived, a candidate for the much coveted 'Bottom Crawler of the Week' award. A man who looked exactly like what he is; an over promoted local council apparatchik, stood up and announced how the Tories had no right to talk about immigration and Labour's plan for change was wonderful. Apparently this man was the MP for Telford, who led the council during the grooming gangs scandal and then (surprise, surprise) rejected calls for an inquiry. If only he were actually stuck in the upper reaches of the PM's sphincter: he'd do less damage there. As it is he stands as another reminder that the quality of the 2024 MP intake is so low that it has to be measured in Kelvins.
Over to the leader of the opposition who cornered the PM on the effect of the Government's NI rise on councils, businesses and nurseries. Unfortunately, someone had got out on the wrong side of the sty this morning. This is quite the statement but I don't think I have ever seen the PM more patronising than he was today. 'She really shouldn't be denigrating what I think she calls 60p breakfast clubs,' he huffed. The PM has a special ultra-patronising tone which he deploys when he's disappointed. If you turn to the Wikipedia article for 'smarm' it's just a recording of this voice. It's like listening to a copy of The New European made animate.
It is to Mrs Badenoch's credit that, when faced with the world mansplaining champion, she didn't leap over the dispatch box and bash him on his smug head with a pile of briefing notes. By contrast she maintained her questioning calmly, and sometimes punchily. This clearly frustrated Oinky – he was reaching for the pre-prepared '£22 billion black hole' a lot today. At times there was a sense that was undergoing an internal circuitry error; getting each soundbite ever-so-slightly wrong. '£22 billion hole', he said. 'We're clearing up the mess that they lost!' The error clearly affected the Starmbot's calendar function too as he followed one MP's lead in wishing the House a happy St Patrick's Day when it wasn't until next Monday.
'He should do his homework' he spluttered at Tory MP Andrew Snowden, as if he were a pre-Ozempic Demon Headmaster. Snowden had dared ask about the two-tier scandal of the sentencing council. Again, for all the patronising – coherent answer came there none. We were transported further into the schoolmaster's study when, during a sermon from Oinky on how the NHS provides equal care to people regardless of background, a Tory heckler pointed out that this was now no longer the case for the justice system.
'This is a really serious issue,' said the PM, the patronise-o-meter now about to burst. This was followed by a deep sigh and a final salvo: 'you've let yourself down, you know it'. I was genuinely surprised that this wasn't prefaced with 'you've let me down, and you've let the school down'. Next to him Paraffin Powell pulled a face like one of the Thundercats having a stroke and fixed it on the offender.
The best question came from Lib Dem MP Sarah Dyke, who asked about the Government's deranged punitive war against the people who produce our food. Yet another Defra scheme had been abandoned with no warning, giving the very real impression that the entirety of Labour's rural policy is based on a visceral loathing for the countryside. He was a chance for the PM to provide some substantive policy. Alas, no such luck. Put on the spot and unable to lecture, he spluttered and waffled and then sat down. A reminder that for all the puffed up pomposity, when a pin is taken to him, he is a very little man indeed.
