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Time Magazine
28-05-2025
- General
- Time Magazine
8 Polite Ways to Decline a Party Invitation
When you get invited to a wedding or a party, 'yes' might feel like the only socially acceptable response. If your RSVP is something short of that, you might put off responding at all—or stumble into a response that's unintentionally rude. 'We're raised to be polite or not rock the boat and to avoid hurting someone's feelings, and yet in trying to be nice, we end up being vague and unclear and often more hurtful than if we were just candid,' says Priya Parker, a conflict resolution facilitator and author of The Art of Gathering: How We Meet and Why it Matters. 'There are so many ways to decline with grace, but instead of saying we'd rather not, we flake, or we're ambivalent and say 'maybe,' which is horrible for the host.' When opting out of a gathering, Parker recommends following this formula: acknowledge the invitation; honor something about it, like the host's creativity or vision; express gratitude for the fact that they thought of you; and then clearly decline, without putting the weight of your reasons on the person inviting you. Here's what that might look like in action. 'That sounds like such a great time. I can't be there, but thank you so much for the invitation.' If you can't swing an event, say so confidently and directly: "What a lovely invitation! Thanks for thinking of me.' 'All invitations are nice, even if you don't want them,' says Lizzie Post, co-president of the Emily Post Institute (and great-great-granddaughter of renowned etiquette expert Emily Post). That said, 'You have the agency to decline them. They're requests, not demands—they're hopeful wishes.' 'Unfortunately, the timing just doesn't work out on that exact weekend—but we're so touched you invited us.' Instead of sticking to a simple 'yes' or 'no,' some people turn their RSVP into a soliloquy about why they can't attend. Parker recently heard from a woman who, while planning a 30th wedding anniversary celebration, received a surprising number of emails from invitees who weren't sure if they could make it or not. 'She was getting these responses, like, 'If I come to your party, I'll miss X, Y, and Z,'' Parker recalls. 'Or, 'I'll have to move mountains to get there, but I'm trying.'' These types of notes made the host feel so badly, she second-guessed even having the party. In some cases, she felt compelled to apologize for causing them distress. 'Do not transfer your guilt onto the host,' Parker says. On the flipside, the woman received one denial that was so lovely, she told Parker she read it multiple times, including to her husband, and shared it with others. It read, in part: 'I was waiting to RSVP for your celebration because I was hoping to resolve a conflict we had. Unfortunately, the timing just didn't work out on that exact weekend. I want you to know that we're really touched you invited us. It's so important to mark special occasions with people you love and who love you back, and we consider ourselves in that last category.' 'You always have the most creative ideas for parties.' Aim to compliment something about your host that you genuinely admire. Maybe they always throw the most epic birthday parties, know exactly which restaurant to book, or reliably plan out-of-office mixers for colleagues in a lonely profession. The point, Parker says, 'is to honor and see what it is they're trying to do.' That will make it clear you appreciate them and cushion the blow of the fact that you can't attend. 'I can't believe I can't make it to this. I really want to come—please put me on the list if you do it again in the future.' If you genuinely feel bad about declining an invite, and hope it doesn't preclude you from being included in the future, don't refrain from expressing your enthusiasm. You might tell your friend: 'I want to say yes so badly.' 'Let them know this isn't you faking it,' Post adds. 'My cousin does this a lot. He's like, 'I can't say yes today, but ask me again any time you think of it. I really want to do this with you.' It works.' 'I'm sorry, I won't be able to make it.' No matter what, a short and to-the-point response is better than fibbing about why you can't make it to a gathering. 'Saying you're committed to something else when you're not is unnecessary,' Post says. 'Why do it when there's potential to get caught later on?' The host, after all, will be much more likely to forgive you for sitting out her second cousin's baby shower than for lying about why you can't be there. 'I really want to make this happen, but it's not financially feasible.' You don't have to share that you're declining an invite due to financial reasons, but if you have a close relationship with the person, it might make sense to provide context. Post's friend, for example, is traveling to New York City this summer, and Post hopes to meet her there—but can't swing a whole week in a hotel. Post told her how much she'd like to attend, and then added: 'For me it would have to be a budget trip, and I'd need to really look into it to make sure I could commit.' From there, the two brainstormed solutions, like a shorter stay in the city. 'That's not going to work for me, but I appreciate the invite.' By wording your response like this, you're making it clear that you're setting a boundary, which can be useful if someone keeps pushing you after you've said 'no' once. It's best used when you don't want to leave anything open for negotiation. 'It's short, clear, and calm,' says Cheryl Groskopf, a therapist in Los Angeles. 'You're not apologizing. You're also not being rude—just honest.' Consider this approach if you often get talked into doing things you don't want to do, she suggests. 'Directness isn't cruelty,' Groskopf says. 'It's clarity.' 'I've got a lot on my plate, and I'm being really intentional with my time right now.' This option makes sense for those who feel they have to justify why they're not attending a gathering, Groskopf says. It's an especially good choice 'if you're the kind of person who's always been the helper, the listener, the one who shows up even when they're drained,' she adds. It focuses on your capacity, rather than the event or person, which is key. You're simply saying, 'I don't have it in me right now.' 'This one also gives the other person something they can understand,' Groskopf says. 'Most people get 'I'm maxed out,' even if they don't know what's behind it.'
The Guardian
26-05-2025
- Entertainment
- The Guardian
Could the right question bring some magic to your meetings?
Is there enough magic in your meetings? I can hear the hollow laughter from here. Research from the London School of Economics found that more than a third of meetings are considered unproductive, which seems awfully low to anyone who has been to a meeting, ever. 'People throw meetings at problems,' Priya Parker, meeting specialist and author of The Art of Gathering, lamented on the Fixable podcast recently, before offering her solution. Asked for a quick fix, she suggested kicking off with 'a magical question': one that everyone would be interested in answering and in hearing others answer. Her suggestion: 'What was your first ever concert, and who took you?' I've spoken to Parker and found her exceptionally impressive. But this seems like madness. Wouldn't a round of prolonged reminiscences about first Glastos and bad dates (or in my case, slightly eccentrically, Everything But the Girl in Harrogate with my mum's colleague's husband, Andrew) add a minimum of 10 minutes to even the smallest gathering? Aren't we all just desperate to get it over with? But with my life mercifully meeting-free these days, perhaps I'm missing the nuances of 2025 meeting etiquette. I enlisted my husband to test this out at his daily team meeting and listened in, clipboard (OK, coffee) in hand. His colleagues seemed a little startled but played along, and the answers were fun: from some very unexpected metalheads to a 15-year-old punk being dragged along to Kool & the Gang to impress a girl. To my ears, the remainder of the meeting sounded exactly like it always does (loudly conducted in what I usually refer to as 'business Martian'), but afterwards my spouse claimed it went well. If you're tempted, Parker offers other magical question ideas on her Instagram, including 'When was the last time you blew up a balloon by yourself? What was the event?' and 'What's the weirdest thing you have ever found in your pocket?' But I reckon the cartoonist Sam Lau had a better idea in her New Yorker cartoon with the tagline How to run short & effective meetings: it's three people gathered around a laptop, all doing planks. Emma Beddington is a Guardian columnist
Boston Globe
10-05-2025
- General
- Boston Globe
25 questions to bring you closer to your mom
'Good questions complicate an individual, instead of reinforcing the idea that we're one thing,' said Priya Parker, author of 'The Art of Gathering.' A thoughtful question, she added, 'builds connection and empathy, by reminding us that we're all trying, and we're complex.' For Mother's Day, The New York Times asked psychologists, researchers and communication experts for questions that will inspire rich, satisfying conversations with your mother -- or any loved one you'd like to know better. Advertisement How to get started Make a date with your mother, and try to set aside at least 20 minutes for the conversation. You can ask the questions below in order, or pick and choose. Even one question at the end of a quick call could deepen your relationship. Get Starting Point A guide through the most important stories of the morning, delivered Monday through Friday. Enter Email Sign Up History and memories Your mother had an entire existence before you came along. These questions will bring that part of her to life. Who made you feel seen when you were growing up? — Priya Parker, author of 'The Art of Gathering' What major event or realization shaped who you are? — Roni Cohen-Sandler, clinical psychologist and author of 'Anything But My Phone, Mom!' Of all the living people you're no longer in touch with, who is the person with whom you were the closest? Why aren't you in touch anymore? Advertisement — Eli J. Finkel, professor of social psychology at Northwestern University When did you realize you were a grown-up? — Prentis Hemphill, therapist and author of 'What It Takes to Heal' When you were a kid, what did you find exciting about the prospect of getting older? — Eli J. Finkel Who was your closest friend when I was a baby? — Jaimie Arona Krems, associate professor of psychology at UCLA Motherhood You and your mom had different experiences of your childhood. These questions are your chance to hear her perspective. What's something you swore you'd never do as a parent but did anyway? — Priya Parker What's the worst advice you've ever received about motherhood? — Jessica A. Stern, assistant professor of psychological science at Pomona College What's a phrase that has kept you afloat during hard times? — Prentis Hemphill What do you love most about being a mother now? — Karen Fingerman, professor of human development and family sciences at the University of Texas, Austin Your relationship Thinking back over the past few decades, what advice do you have for me as I grow to be your age? — Laurence Steinberg, author of 'You and Your Adult Child' What are some of your favorite memories of the two of us? — Dr. Sue Varma, a clinical assistant professor of psychiatry at New York University Was there a specific moment in my life that you didn't know how to handle? What did you end up doing? — Priya Parker Life right now You're not the same person you were decades ago -- and neither is your mom. These questions will help you get to know her. Advertisement What is something you've learned about yourself in the last six months? — Dr. Vicki Jackson, chief of palliative care and geriatric medicine, Massachusetts General Hospital What is one thing we must do together and start planning for now? — Dr. Sue Varma Can you tell me about a difficult emotion you've been dealing with lately? — Dr. Gail Saltz, clinical associate professor of psychiatry at NewYork-Presbyterian Hospital Is there anything you do that seems mundane on the surface but has turned out to be sacred for you? — Prentis Hemphill What's something you still haven't figured out? What are you still wondering about? — Dr. Vicki Jackson How can we spend meaningful time together? — Erin Engle, psychologist with NewYork-Presbyterian/Columbia University Irving Medical Center Just for fun Is your mom full of surprises? You're about to find out with these questions. Did you have any nicknames when you were younger that I don't know about? What's the story behind them? — Erin Engle What was your favorite outfit growing up, and why? — Priya Parker If our family created a time capsule and you had to choose one item to include for future descendants, what would that item be, and why? — Dr. Judith Joseph, author of 'High Functioning' What are some of the most memorable songs in your life, and what do they mean to you? — Alison Wood Brooks, professor at the Harvard Business School and author of 'Talk' If you could redo any period in your life, what would it be, and why? — Anthony Chambers, psychologist at The Family Institute at Northwestern University What is your favorite compliment to receive, and why? Advertisement — Alexandra Solomon, therapist and author of 'Love Every Day' This article originally appeared in .
Vox
05-02-2025
- General
- Vox
What if you threw a party tonight?
The US, apparently, is becoming increasingly averse to parties. As The Atlantic noted last month, only an average of 4.1 percent of Americans attended or hosted social events on an average weekend or holiday in 2023. The problem isn't due to a lack of desire: Most people are happy with the number of friends they have, per a 2024 study, but less than half of respondents were satisfied with the amount of time they spent with these friends. Parties are, of course, a simple-in-theory way to bring a bunch of people together, but preconceived notions about what these gatherings should be can hamstring us from setting a date in the first place. What if no one shows up? Is my house clean enough? I'm a terrible cook with crappy dinnerware. Is this the most boring party ever? 'There's traditionally been a lot of pressure, especially on women, to be an accomplished host right out the gate,' says Lizzie Post, etiquette expert and co-president at the Emily Post Institute. 'It's a skill that we develop over time.' Rather than work yourself into a ball of nerves, I propose a humble gathering solution: the come-as-you-are party. Growing up, I heard tales of these impromptu, deliciously fun get-togethers my grandparents pulled together within a few hours in the '70s and '80s. Every so often, the story goes, my grandfather would wake up on a Saturday morning and casually suggest having a party that evening. All day long, my grandparents would call their friends to invite them over later. The only catch: Don't change your clothes, don't shower, and simply show up in whatever you're wearing. Oh, you're painting your kid's bedroom? Well, looks like you're attending a party in paint-splattered coveralls. The only catch: Don't change your clothes, don't shower, and simply show up in whatever you're wearing. Perhaps the key to a successful party — and in fact, making sure you throw one at all — is to minimize the amount of time spent agonizing over it. Despite the fact that my grandmother managed to clean the house and prepare enough food for over two dozen guests in a matter of hours, she says the event never caused her anxiety. She loves to cook and if people couldn't come, well, no sweat. 'It was on a Saturday, and there was no stress,' my grandmother told me recently. 'They didn't have to get dressed up. They didn't have to go get their hair done.' According to Priya Parker, the author of The Art of Gathering: How We Meet and Why It Matters , my grandparents may have hit on something important long before the party recession and decades before the loneliness crisis: Your house will never be clean enough, the decor never perfect enough, the menu never tasty enough, and the timing never ideal enough for a party, so you should just throw one anyway. 'People prefer connection over perfection,' Parker says. Hanging out with your friends ideally shouldn't feel like drudgery or an obligation. Lower the stakes, and the standards, by hosting a gathering you'd want to attend yourself, Parker says. For my grandparents, that was a low-effort evening where attendees brought their booze of choice and played drinking games all night. Maybe yours is having people over for a Fast & Furious marathon or a brunch party because you're neither a morning person nor a night owl. Even in an age of overscheduling and burnout, guests are less likely to turn down a low-lift, delightful invitation, Parker says. People can more easily find time to squeeze in an impromptu pasta night when a friend texts 'I have too much basil, come over and eat some pesto!' when all that's required of them is to show up with an appetite. All that's needed is a reason to hang out: According to a 2022 study, the most socially fulfilling parties are ones where there's food and drink as well as a reason for celebrating. 'A huge part of thinking about how [to] gather and not worry about all of these other things,' Parker says, is 'one simple conceit that helps wake up the group, connect the group.' Try not to let any declines bruise your ego, Post says. It's not about you. No reason for gathering is too small, says Kelley Gullo Wight, an assistant professor of marketing at Indiana University and the co-author of the 2022 study on celebrations and social support. 'Maybe someone just submitted a big project at work,' she says. 'Maybe someone just did their first yoga class, and that was a hard thing to go do.' Amassing even a small group to revel in the good moments helps to build a social network that will reliably show up when things get rough, too. Instead of overthinking every possible detail, from aesthetics to entertainment, Post suggests a short checklist of essentials: basic refreshments, a clean-enough space, and a welcoming attitude. Still, the most hospitable mindset doesn't ensure that people actually show up. With impromptu parties especially, some would-be guests may have other plans. Try not to let any declines bruise your ego, Post says. It's not about you. Sometimes, the invitation alone may be enough to show your friends how much you appreciate them. And if you desire to live in a social environment where your friends prioritize reciprocity, gathering, and inclusion, you might need to make the first move. Soon enough, others may follow your lead. If you're consistently throwing little shindigs — my grandparents hosted several parties throughout the year — chances are greater that more people can attend. What matters is giving yourself space to spend time with the people you love in whatever way possible. Even if your guests do show up in sweatpants. See More: Advice Even Better Friendship Life Relationships
