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He wants Disney World, I want the Maldives: The couples who can't agree over holidays
Few things test a couple's patience like planning a holiday together. The old saying 'I need a holiday to recover from the holiday' hits especially hard when two very different travel styles collide. The odds of both partners wanting to do the same things, at the same pace – while having shared the booking admin and agreed on a budget – are slimmer than finding an August discount on the Riviera.
Whether you're keen to catch a clifftop sunrise while your other half lounges by the pool, or you're stuck wrangling bookings while they idly browse for new swimwear, joint holidays can be... challenging.
James Bore, 42, a digital security expert from Surrey, and his wife Nikki, a translator, have been married for eight years. 'We realised early on that we have very different travel styles,' he says. 'Nikki likes scheduled history tours. I prefer to wander and eat local food. In Rome, I was sick of white marble after an hour – Nikki was still dragging me around ruins on the last day.'
Over time, they have learnt to compromise.
'She'll go off to look at things while I read in a café,' he says. 'Plus, her itineraries have gradually become more relaxed, which means I'm more willing to visit historic sites – though probably not white marble again.'
Having autonomy on holiday is healthy, says couples counsellor Yasmin Shaheen-Zaffar of Red Kite Therapy. 'You can co-create a rhythm of alternate days, split mornings and afternoons, or schedule independent time. The goal isn't the perfect itinerary,' she says. 'It's re-connecting afterwards – which is crucial.'
'I had to pay an extra £300 to rebook'
But while the holiday schedule might be up for negotiation, it's often the booking process that becomes a couple's undoing – because when something goes wrong, there's only ever one person to blame. (And somehow, it's never the one who sat watching TV while their spouse wrestled with online forms and passport renewals.)
'I protest that I've been given the role of family PA,' says Sally Baker, a psychotherapist married to Arnold Dobbs, an artist. 'I asked my husband to sit with me while I booked [the] Eurostar and a hotel, but he said, 'You're fine – you do this all the time.' I was hugely busy at work and trying to book in a hurry,' she explains. 'I managed to book the train for the wrong weekend and had to pay another £300 to rebook. I just wish he'd share the responsibility more with me.'
Solo bookers aren't alone. According to a survey by travel company more than half of Britons wouldn't trust their partner to plan a holiday. Women were most concerned that their other half would choose an 'undesirable location' or 'sub-standard' accommodation. Among those who had taken a couple's break, 81 per cent said the trip had been booked by the woman.
'I wouldn't ask him to book a whole holiday – I don't think he'd know where to start,' says writer Rosie Mullender of her husband. 'I can barely muster the enthusiasm to do the hours of research myself, even when I'm the one who wants to go away. I don't think he'd ever get around to it, especially when it's something he's not that keen on in the first place.'
Early mornings vs lying in
That's not the case for Claire Bartlett, 40, a business coaching strategist, and her husband Matthew, an insurance underwriter, also 40, from Birmingham.
'We've always had a bit of a holiday clash,' Claire admits. 'I get up early to watch the sunrise – I find it so peaceful and calming. But he'll say, 'I've had to get up for work all year; I'm lying in.' In the early days, I'd be shouting, 'Get up!' But now I just leave him to it.'
Before they go away, Claire says, 'we try to agree how many days of the holiday we'll spend exploring. We head to Malta every year for some winter sun, and in summer we love going to Disney in Orlando.'
That's where the problems begin. 'Matt wants full days in the parks, and by then I'm exhausted – I just want to relax. My dream holiday would be somewhere like the Maldives, pure relaxation,' she says.
'I don't like the beach, so I'd be by the pool the whole time, completely switching off.' By contrast, 'Matt's dream would be two weeks in Orlando with an absolutely packed schedule. When we were last there, there were a couple of days when I thought, 'You're pushing me too far now – I'm going to sit down.''
Thankfully, before the battle of Sleeping Beauty Castle escalated, their daughter Olivia, 10, found a solution. 'Now, Matt has someone to spend extra time on rides with, and I can head back to the pool early,' says Claire.
When you're planning a holiday and know you won't want to follow the same schedule, start with open, non-judgmental conversations, says Yasmin Shaheen-Zaffar. 'Each person can share their ideal day – not to convince the other, but to understand. Use statements like, 'I feel...' or 'What I need to recharge is...''
It's also helpful, she adds, to 'name your non-negotiables and your flexibility. Maybe the pool is essential for one of you, and the other needs a sunrise walk – both can happen, if they're spoken about early.'
For some couples, the friction isn't about activities but accommodation standards.
'I told my husband not to unpack'
'My husband teases me every time we settle into a hotel room – he jokingly asks if it's OK to unpack,' says Lydia Berman, a brand consultant from Hemel Hempstead. 'I'm notorious for finding an issue.'
Once, she recalls, 'I was heavily pregnant and the hotel gave us a room with no windows that opened. It was during a heatwave and they only had a small fan. I was melting and asked for another room. The first they gave us, someone was still sleeping in it! The second had no beds… the third had another problem, and the fourth was finally okay.'
After their baby arrived, Lydia remembers a trip to Crete: 'We stayed two weeks in a room with no bath and nowhere to put a cot – despite the booking info being clear. The first room they offered had an overflowing toilet. They admitted the fault, so we ended up with an upgrade.'
More recently, she says, 'we were in Mexico and the room smelled damp, which triggered my asthma. I was mortified to tell my husband not to unpack as I went to reception to complain.' Despite her success moving rooms, she admits, 'I think my husband would rather we just stayed quiet!'
But differing needs like these can be managed, says couples counsellor Yasmin Shaheen-Zaffar. 'Make a plan for if you fall out – which is likely, given so many new variables,' she advises. 'How will you repair things without escalating the tension? Having a clear plan stops disagreements from spiralling, so you can both enjoy the rest of the holiday.'
