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Boston Globe
07-05-2025
- Business
- Boston Globe
Parents ashamed of children who won't ‘adult'
Advertisement How on earth are they all going to be able to manage? We feel sure any money they inherit will disappear because they are ignorant of investing, taxes, managing finances, adverse to chores, etc., and refuse to learn. Get Love Letters: The Newsletter A weekly dispatch with all the best relationship content and commentary – plus exclusive content for fans of Love Letters, Dinner With Cupid, weddings, therapy talk, and more. Enter Email Sign Up They all used to be smart enough but now they seem so stupid. (We get along and even have laughs but can't connect on anything serious or important.) We are wondering how we can leave our hard-earned money to them just for them to waste it and continue to decline in the way they already are?How can we persuade our adult children to go to and complete college and become financially literate (and responsible) despite being older? Two are working at menial jobs, one will be limited in his job prospects, and one is not working at all. Advertisement It's painful to spend time with them because we don't have any interests or values in common, and they are completely uninterested and ignorant about almost any subject. We are grieving and ashamed of our children; their former schoolmates are growing and thriving. Are we asking too much or too little? DISAPPOINTED PARENT A. Persuasion time is over; it's time to protect your children from themselves and protect your assets from frivolous spending. Talk to an estate lawyer about setting up a trust for your kids. Find out what kind of stipulations you can put on the funds. And then think through what you really need to feel comfortable leaving them money. It may be finishing school, but I encourage you to try to separate your expectations from the reality of your children's lives and abilities. You're experiencing a lot of grief reconciling the lives that you wanted for yourself and your kids with the lives that you have. Some of that grief is coming out in judgment and resentment. Your children are responsible for their actions (or inactions) but they're not responsible for your resentment. Try to free yourself from some of this by speaking to a counselor about what's going on. A family therapist will also be helpful. Additionally, consider Al-Anon or SMART Recovery Family meetings, if you don't already go. Parenting people who struggle with substance abuse can lead to codependent relationships and toxic relationships. Talking to others about what you're feeling will help you to separate what you can control about your kids' lives from what you must learn to accept. Q. I could relate to 'Loving but Frustrated Daughter,' whose 92-year-old mother lived alone in a remote area and wanted to talk on the phone regularly but didn't have much to say. Advertisement After some ideas that did not work with my own parents, I signed up for newsfeeds local to them. We could talk about what was happening in their world and it often generated memories of stories I had not heard. It also helped plan activities for my visits. LOCAL CONVERSATION A. What a creative solution. And I particularly like that it supports local journalism, an extremely important resource. Q. I have a suggestion for the mother who was so devastated at losing her daughter that she could not write thank-you notes to all those who helped her ('Still In Grief'): Enlist a friend or relative to write them for her. They can write something like, 'Julia wishes you to know that she could not have made it through that terrible time without your help and support' or 'Julia wants to thank you for attending Anna's funeral,' etc. It's quite understandable that writing those letters brings back such dreadful memories that the mother feels paralyzed. If she wants, the letters can include an acknowledgment of how much time has passed. BEEN THERE A. I really like this suggestion. When we're grieving, people's offer to help in any way can be kind but overwhelming. A task like this is not only meaningful but manageable and makes a big difference. R. Eric Thomas can be reached at .
Boston Globe
09-04-2025
- General
- Boston Globe
Friend's cheating ex moves into neighborhood with new wife
Now they are moving into a house on the street where I live, and where I am friendly with everyone else. How do I navigate this? I want to remain a steady presence in the children's lives but have nothing to do with the narcissistic household. Get Love Letters: The Newsletter A weekly dispatch with all the best relationship content and commentary – plus exclusive content for fans of Love Letters, Dinner With Cupid, weddings, therapy talk, and more. Enter Email Sign Up PSEUDO GRANDPARENT Advertisement A. You can hold the line with the ex-husband. Not every neighbor needs to be your friend. But since you have a relationship with the kids and with their mom, you might talk to your friend about the new arrangement and ask her how you can best be supportive. It will probably be very helpful for the kids to have a place on the block that they know is safe and supportive. They may not yet be old enough to come visit on their own, so for now your weekly dinners may have to suffice. But continuing this tradition will strengthen the relationship you're building and help them — the kids and your friend — to see you as a crucial support. Advertisement Q. Our daughter is 46 years old. She has been an addict most of her life, with short periods of sobriety. She is sadly now in a position of no place to live, no job; her children have completely cut her out of their lives. We bought her a car with the promise she would get a job — it hasn't happened. My heart is broken, but I'm at my wits' end. Sadly, she has an identical twin sister (a successful professional) who is deeply affected by this. Our other children are all successful with jobs and families. What can/should we do? My husband and I are in our 70s and on a fixed income. HEARTBROKEN MOM A. This is hard for your daughter, for you, and for your entire family; I'm sorry. A core component of many recovery programs is an admission of powerlessness over addiction. Though painful, it will be helpful for you to admit powerlessness over your daughter's addiction, as well. This doesn't mean you love her any less nor does it mean you won't do whatever you can to help. It does mean you can't take the steps she needs to take to recover. Only she can do that. Be clear with your daughter that you want to help her, you love her, and you see the struggle she's had most of her life. Guilt and shame are not going to motivate her — not that I think that's a tactic you're employing. At this point, financial support is not going to help, and it has the potential to put you in dire straits. You may feel fear when setting this boundary for yourself. Advertisement Talk about the feelings that come up with your loved ones, including your children, and in a group like SMART Recovery Family or Al-Anon. Having a robust support system will remind you that you're not alone, your daughter is also not alone, and there are options available to all of you. Q. I applaud 'Trying to Move Forward' for recognizing the need to truly forgive an abusive elder. My father's mother was emotionally abusive to me and a sibling. She never cared enough to acknowledge her mistreatment or its effects. Counseling helped me begin to address my lingering attitude. I was encouraged to write a letter to her; read it aloud at her grave; and bury it there. It took me a while, but I did do exactly that and managed to release my anger. I admit it took a number of years and more counseling for me to find socially acceptable wording to use when speaking of her. The habit of calling her what she was, was more difficult to change. Habits influence attitudes. My attitude has definitely improved since I developed the new habit when talking about my father's mother. Perhaps Trying to Move Forward or another reader will find this idea helpful. DONE WITH NEGATIVE CYCLES A. Thank you for sharing this. Healing's timetable is rarely what we want it to be, but I'm glad that you put in the work to get yourself to a better place. R. Eric Thomas can be reached at .
