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The Guardian
11-04-2025
- Politics
- The Guardian
Rules of engagement for family rows over politics
Simon Usborne's article made me reflect (The one change that worked: I quit fighting about politics with my friends and family, 7 April). Having been brought up to enjoy debate and argument, a good old 'ding dong at dinner parties' was always fun. It wasn't, however, lost on me that it could lead to frayed friendships, even if, in most circumstances, bridges were rebuilt. At work, winning the argument and driving change was all – regardless of the cost. More problematically though, as a 'good parent', who wanted to impart the skill of debate, ensure knowledge of the facts and set clear boundaries for my son, especially as he moved into his teens, I found myself easily triggered to defend a position or argue a point – calmly – thinking that I was helping in some way. Actually, I was driving a bigger and bigger wedge between us, to the point where we had a truly awful to non-existent relationship. It wasn't until I went on some excellent Gandhi- and Martin Luther King-inspired non‑violent resistance sessions for parents and rediscovered the skill of disagreeing agreeably and 'striking while the iron is cold' (letting it go until a calm discussion can be held) that the dynamics between us massively started to improve. We are now back at the point where every time we meet, we hug, we can hold good and calm conversations, and we feel like a good father and son. I have stopped trying to imagine him as the person I wanted him to be, and just enjoy him as the young man he has and address supplied Ever since retiring last year at the age of 84, I have – in a bid to stay in touch with community affairs in the small town of Ellon in deepest rural Aberdeenshire – been keeping a daily record of all the people I meet and chat to. Basic greetings of 'hello' don't count. To date, I have averaged 15 hits per day, barring Sundays when I tend not to go out. Although I am reasonably active in the town, participating in a number of activities, this simple, daily communication has proved to be rewarding and informative, giving me, as a former journalist, the perspective hinted at by Simon Usborne. I would recommend it to others of my NixonEllon, Aberdeenshire Like many over the last decade or so I have developed a more polarised worldview: you're pro‑Brexit or not; pro-environment or not; pro-immigration or not; pro‑cycling or not. I recently completed jury service and had expected my fellow jurors to be equally tribal, and to have to have some difficult conversations, but found almost everyone to be sensible, balanced, sympathetic and keen to get on with their fellow man and wider society. Mainstream and social media, by the design of those wielding power, has led us to develop a worldview focused on the extremes and, as Simon Usborne highlights, discussions related to these topics never end well. We are not so divided and need to focus more on the middle to build a broader society that works for LavenderWhitley Bay, Tyne and Wear I read with interest and empathy Simon Usborne's article, which proposes an attractive zen approach to political squabbles at the dinner table. While I agree that avoiding hot topics that will turn a pleasant evening at home into a tension-filled battlefield is helpful to one's quality of life and maintaining family ties and a measure of sanity, there is a philosophical issue that goes unmentioned: when does someone's siding with the morally despicable make them unlovable? And, in that case, what are we preserving by maintaining a relationship with them? Here in the US, lines are sharply drawn between Maga Republicans and anyone who believes in a kinder, less armed, more diverse, fair, equitable and just society. As we teeter on the brink of true fascism, intimate relationships with those whose values lie with the perpetrators of hateful politics can feel like a form of self-abuse. How much can we depend on or trust those to whom we cannot speak our heart? Can we trust that they would fight for us if we were detained or disappeared for opposing the president? There are practical considerations, not just moral or emotional ones, that must be SnyderHillsborough, North Carolina, US I fully agree with Simon Usborne's article and applaud his efforts. I have lived with non-confrontational tactics for a long time. I am the eldest of four children, and as adults we had our parents with us until fairly recently. They were both alive and pro-Trump for the first presidency term. So were my three younger siblings. Needless to say, with this last election, and the fact that we had recently spent a great deal of time together caring for my parents, I listened to a lot of short-sighted discussions in favour of Trump. Once I finally made my politics known, it was too late to change the outcome of the election. I had tried my level best to present them with other logical possible outcomes than the ones presented by the winning party, and evidence of past duplicity and actions versus speeches by same. But, after an embarrassing crying jag online with them, we just don't discuss politics. Certainly, things may change rapidly with the most recent developments in the headlines, but until something personally financially drastic happens, it will be passed by as 'Disturbing news, right?' Then it will be 'Why is this happening?' with lots of hand‑wringing for them, and tongue-biting for MorrisonNooksack, Washington, US I agree with Simon Usborne to the extent that arguing with someone about a powerful emotional issue is fruitless in that the likelihood of changing their mind is close to zero. However, if a close friend or family member displays values that are not yours, it affects the closeness one is able to have with that person. After all, deep connection doesn't endure with people whose core values are antithetical to one's own. Usborne writes: 'I try to look for common ground, rather than the battleground, and try harder to understand where people are coming from along the way. At the risk of sounding virtuous, it feels good.' For me, that's a cop out. As Elie Wiesel famously stated,: 'We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.' It's not about understanding where the people are coming from. There is no room for 'understanding' values you deem HoffmanEast Greenwich, Rhode Island, US Have an opinion on anything you've read in the Guardian today? Please email us your letter and it will be considered for publication in our letters section.
The Guardian
28-03-2025
- Entertainment
- The Guardian
Five Great Reads: Micky Dolenz; postcards from a tram; and the meaning of life
Happy Saturday! My favourite part of the week is here: bringing back five great reads that deserve a buoy in the rapids of this week's news cycle. Take a beat, digest and, if you have a favourite read, tell us here: There is a surprising trend happening under our noses: beard transplants – something I'd never heard of before sniffing out Simon Usborne's story on this growing industry, where transplant tourism and illicit clinics are rife and the stakes are high. Are the risks worth it for the chance of a thicker, fuller beard? Yes (for some): Franck Fontaine feels 'much more confident' after his transplant, aside from when his six-year-old daughter begs him to 'shave it off'. Words of warning: Spencer Stevenson, a prominent mentor for balding men, urges caution. 'You can have a bad hair transplant and sometimes get away with it, but with a beard it's a whole new kettle of fish because it's on your face,' he says. 'You can't put a hat on it.' How long will it take to read: five minutes. Following in philosopher Will Durant's mail trail, James Bailey decided to write to some well-known people to hear their thoughts on the ultimate existential question: what is the meaning of life? Their answers are fascinating and funny – but could they help us frame our days on Earth? From the hundreds of comments left on this story, perhaps yes. Susan Pollack, Holocaust survivor: After a British soldier rescued and placed her into an ambulance, Pollack has taken nothing for granted. 'I remember the effect and appreciation this first helpfulness had on my life,' she writes. 'It gradually removed the heavy iron cover on me, and sparks of 'I can do' and 'I want to do' gradually came into my existence.' Hilary Mantel, late author: 'You use two terms interchangeably: 'meaning' and 'purpose'. I don't think they're the same. I'm not sure life has a meaning, in the abstract. But it can have a definite purpose if you decide so.' How long will it take to read: 10 minutes. Just shy of his 80th birthday, Micky Dolenz spoke to Alexis Petridis about being in one of the biggest music groups in the world – and its last surviving member. John Lennon described the Monkees as more 'like the Marx Brothers'. The original advertisement for their show called for 'folk'n'roll musician/singers … four insane boys'. My only real appreciation for the group was their impact on mainstream music: from I'm a Believer (thank you, Smash Mouth) to Daydream Believer (thank you, grandma). 'It was not a boyband. It was the cast of a television show, like when the cast of Glee made albums.' – Micky Dolenz The legacy: the Monkees 'weren't supposed to have such staying power', Petridis writes. 'The TV show was cancelled in 1968 after two seasons … But [it] is a kind of period piece, a last transmission from a more innocent era of 60s pop that was about to be overwhelmed by psychedelia and more serious-minded artistic ambition.' How long will it take to read: five minutes Sign up to Five Great Reads Each week our editors select five of the most interesting, entertaining and thoughtful reads published by Guardian Australia and our international colleagues. Sign up to receive it in your inbox every Saturday morning after newsletter promotion Each week, I eagerly await the Guardian's Washington DC bureau chief's latest analysis on Donald Trump. The themes are always disturbing. But I find something comforting about being privy to conversations the experts are having. This time around, David Smith warns 'America is sleepwalking into authoritarianism'; that Trump's actions are edging closer to those of Hungary's Viktor Orbán's; and he hears we may be approaching 'Defcon 1'. I've forgotten what I found comforting … A political strategist and former campaign operative for George W Bush and John McCain, says: 'Donald Trump is producing a Washington television show from the Oval Office that's authoritarian in nature. You go on TikTok and see the deportations scored to songs and videos released by the administration. It's a theatre of the absurd. It's a theatre of malice. All of it is desensitising people to the use of authority and power.' How long will it take to read: six minutes. Further reading: Smith's analysis was before the White House's catastrophic security blunder on Signal. For more on that, Andrew Roth's take on the depths of the Trump's administration loathing of Europe is worth your time. Sketching tram route 35, Josh Nicholas sees a whole new side of the city he has lived in for three years. Before the experiment, he walked the same Melbourne streets, caught the same trains. 'I must have hundreds of sketches of Flinders station alone. So I decided to be a tourist,' he writes. 'I caught some of the energy': Nicholas sketches fellow passengers crammed inside the stuffy tram. It's chaotic at the best of times but the effect it has on his watercolour works is stunning. How long will it take to read: three-and-a-half minutes. Enjoying the Five Great Reads email? Then you'll love our weekly culture and lifestyle newsletter, Saved for Later. Sign up here to catch up on the fun stuff with our rundown of must-reads, pop culture, trends and tips for the weekend. And check out the full list of our local and international newsletters.
