a day ago
Can romantic relationships survive without sex?
How often a couple has sex will fluctuate in most relationships, but what happens when it stops altogether?
How one defines a 'sexless marriage' or relationship will vary.
But whether it's no sex or infrequent sex over an extended period, couples lacking intimacy is "more common than many think", says Armin Ariana, a sexologist and president of the Society of Australian Sexologists Queensland branch.
"This is especially notable in long-term relationships, where sexual activity often declines over time," Dr Ariana says.
One Australian study found almost 15 per cent of couples hadn't engaged in sex in the past four weeks.
While it's possible people in a relationship might both be comfortable with sex being off the table, a mismatch in desire is more likely at the root of why intimacy is missing, says sexologist and relationship counsellor Tanya Koens, based in the Northern Rivers/Bundjalung Nation.
While talking about sex is the first step to reintroducing it, it isn't always easy.
"I see people that have been together 30, 40 years, and seen each other throwing up and going through all sorts of terrible situations, and yet they will not talk about sex," says Ms Koens.
Sexless relationships can arise for many reasons, both by choice and circumstance, says Brisbane/Meanjin-based Dr Ariana.
Desire discrepancy is one of the most common issues he sees for decline in intimacy.
"If both partners are on the same page and genuinely OK without [sex], that's not a crisis.
"But when one wants connection and the other's switched off, that gap creates real tension."
He says it can lead to feelings of frustration, distance and rejection.
Other reasons sex may drop off include:
No sex or low frequency sex can also be due to body changes including physical pain and disability, adds Ms Koens.
Psychotherapist and relationship coach Tracey Rovere from Wollongong/Woolyungah says the less sex a person has, the less they tend to want it.
But sex has benefits, she says.
"People have sex because it makes them feel good, so they are missing out on getting the oxytocin and the different hormones released during sex."
In some cases, couples may choose "to step away from sex", says Dr Ariana, for a variety of reasons.
"And they can still have really strong, connected relationships. It's not always about dysfunction; sometimes it's a conscious, mutual decision that works for them."
But research shows sexless couples are rarely mutually satisfied with the arrangement.
A 2025 study published in the Journal of Family Psychology involving more than 2,100 heterosexual couples found that only 2.3 per cent were both sexless and mutually satisfied.
"That doesn't mean it's wrong or impossible — it just means it takes strong alignment and communication to make it work," Dr Ariana says.
In seeing couples who aren't having sex, Ms Koens says she approaches it with curiosity.
"Why we are saying no to sex? Is it because it's too hard to talk about, or prioritise?"
She says "avoidance is a number one strategy" for people not wanting to address issues there might be around sex in the relationship.
For those wanting to reignite the spark and have more sex, Ms Koens says to start by focusing on what is possible.
She says sex shouldn't be defined as intercourse, because there are many other ways to "have sex" and be intimate without penetration.
"Your skin is an erogenous zone, you can be making out on the sofa, dry humping, just doing a bit of heavy petting and then stop.
Couples should talk about "what is on the agenda" for that day. Is it just kissing? Or is it giving one person a massage? Is it penetration?
"Often people assume, if my husband kisses me then I have to do all the sexual things and I don't feel like it — no," Ms Koens says.
"Even just a kiss keeps physical connection."
Ms Rovere says for some couples, sex may help establish more of an emotional connection, but others may need the latter first.
"Connecting through sex can be a great way to reinvigorate the relationship, whereas other people think 'get the emotional connection back on track, then work towards intimacy and sexual connection'."
Dr Ariana says if you're in a sexless relationship and feeling alone, "it's not a failure".
"It's a signal to talk, reconnect, or reach out for support.
"There's no one-size-fits-all here. What matters is whether it works for you."
