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"Why Don't Planes Crash Into The Moon?": 15 Hilarious Stories About People Who Are So Dumb It Hurts

Look, not all of us are, like — what's the word? — oh We were there when God handed out the brains, but we got, like, not working good brains. But that's oh kay cuz there is lots of us with the not working good brains. Over on Reddit's r/StoriesAboutKevin, they got lots of stories about people with not so good brains. They call them Kevins for osme reason. That makes no sense to me! Every Kevin I know has good brains! Man, am I tired from all dis typing. Oh kay, here are their stories: 1. "I work for a guy whose 15-year-old stepson is the most Kevin person I've ever met. Now, I've known some dumb teenagers in my time. Hell, I used to be one. But this kid is just on another level. Two examples: 1. He licked a lit match because he thought fire would taste like a Flamin' Hot Cheeto; 2. He once dropped a bowl of cereal and milk, and rather than clean the mess with a towel, he soaked up the spill with his sock. A sock that was still on his foot. He then put on his shoes, went out to catch the bus, and went to school with a soaking wet milk sock. Later that day, he went to the school nurse because he was convinced that his foot was bleeding and soaking through his sock." — legomaniac89 2. "I used to work part-time at a phone repair shop, and one day Kevin walked in looking like someone just told him the Earth was flat. He plopped a melted Samsung on the counter and said, 'I think my antivirus didn't work.' I ask what happened. He says he was browsing some shady website, clicked a link, and his phone 'started acting possessed.' Classic malware. I nod and tell him I can probably help if he didn't do anything drastic. Then he goes, 'Yeah, so I microwaved it for, like, 40 seconds to kill the virus. Like how hospitals sanitize stuff.' I just blinked. My coworker choked on her water. This man cooked his phone like a Hot Pocket because he thought heat would kill malware. And the best part? He wanted to claim it under WARRANTY." — Some-Hawk6061 3. "A client called our grooming shop for the price of a bath and nails. I asked her what kind of dog it was. She said, 'I don't know what it is now, but when it grows up, it's going to be a black lab.' I was dumbfounded, literally. I asked her how old it was, and she said it was three months, so I'm thinking maybe 20 lbs max, so I told her maybe $20–$25. Swear to God, the lady brings 'Red' in, and he is a POMERANIAN, a POM. I said, sorry, but this is a Pomeranian, and she told me, 'Well, I know it's going to be a black lab because I have papers at home.' I pulled up pictures of labs and Poms on the computer, but I still think she believes it will be a black lab. I'm going home to drink wine." — WeAreDestroyers 4. "One of the stupidest people I've ever met was a 26-year-old male who turned up to work for me an hour and a half late the first day. He was brought in by his mum, which I thought was kind of odd for a grown man. I let that slide, but then things just got worse. It was a small roadside cafe/eatery, so I thought I'd ease him into the way of the place with some small duties. I asked him to put new toilet paper in the toilets — a minute or so later, I heard him yelling, 'It won't fit on the toilet roll holder!' I'm like what? That's a pretty simple thing. I tell him to bring it to me so I can show him — he's carrying a roll of paper towels; it's almost three times the length of the toilet paper holder." "'Kevin,' I say, 'Those are paper towels.' 'No, they're not.' 'Have you ever seen toilet paper that big in your life?' ' 'Furthermore, can you not see that this massive roll couldn't possibly fit on this small bar?' 'Yeah, I thought that was odd.' Oh boy. Later, I've got him serving pastries when a customer orders three scones with jam and cream. He's behind the counter doing his thing and I have a little peek and see that he's cut them in half and managed to put jam and cream on them. About a minute later, the customer brought the scones back up to the counter. 'There's something really hard in these scones. I bit down, and it was like crunching on a rock or something.' Of course, I was puzzled, but I said, 'I'm really sorry about that,' when Kevin cut in and said, 'It's probably just the seeds in the jam.' Something about the way he said this made my alarm bells ring. I marched to the prep bench where there was a bowl of whipped cream, and next to it, in a plastic bag, a broken glass jar that contained the jam. The motherfucker was feeding the customer broken glass. 'I didn't think it would be a big deal,' he said. 'Are you FUCKING insane?!' I grabbed the plate of mostly uneaten glass-infused scones and said. 'How is anyone supposed to eat this?' To my utter amazement, he proceeded to EAT THEM in front of me, crunching on glass and flinching every time he did. I'm paralyzed, dumbfounded. When he finished eating them, he said, 'Do you think I should go to the hospital?' I said, 'You're fired.'" — LazerMoonCentaur 5. "My friend told his wife about an article he read about people in Siberia digging up frozen mammoth tusks and selling them. Her: 'That's terrible!' Him: 'Why is it terrible?' Her: 'They'll sell all the frozen ones, and then people will start killing mammoths for their tusks, and pretty soon they'll all be extinct!'" — Solo954 6. "I used to work in emergency medicine. Obviously, the emergency department sees many people who've had moments of foolishness that have caused them suffering. To err is human. I would not mock such victims of mere mortal frailty. Kevin was special. Kevin arrived by car, bloodied and battered. Kevin had fallen off a ladder. Since coming to get checked out was very sensible, it's not surprising that someone else insisted. Kevin was carefully checked over, his scrapes treated, and his bones imaged. Kevin was sent home. An hour later, Kevin was back, looking rather worse for wear. The staff, concerned, questioned him closely as to what had happened this time. Kevin had fallen off the ladder again. Kevin's friend had insisted that Kevin rest rather than climb the ladder again, so Kevin was determined to prove he was perfectly fine to go up the ladder. Kevin was not fine." "Kevin had a sprained wrist and more bruises. Kevin was released and told his friend they were correct and that he should rest. Kevin was back an hour later. Kevin had reluctantly conceded that he shouldn't go up the ladder again. Kevin had propped a wooden board on the wall so that it made a sort of gangplank. Kevin tried to walk up the gangplank. Kevin fell off. Kevin broke his arm. It was dark outside by the time Kevin was released. Kevin was back two hours later. Kevin had gone to the pub and begun regaling the assembled with the tale of his adventures, then argued with another pubgoer about the gangplank. Specifically on the subject of whether it could have held his weight at all had he gone further up. Kevin had set out to prove the resilience of his plank. Kevin climbed the plank again. In the dark. After four Australian beers. The plank snapped. Kevin broke his ankle. Kevin was put on hold until a kind professional could come and assess whether he should be allowed out on his own. Worryingly, the answer was yes." — Emergency-Twist7136 7. "My husband owns a small plumbing business and participates in a job-readiness program with the local high school. This semester, he got a Kevin. One of Kevin's biggest jobs is to answer the phone. On his first day, he was instructed to pick up and say, 'Custom Quality Plumbing, don't forget to ask about our seasonal maintenance deal specials, how can we help you today?' Instead, he answered the business phone, 'Kevin residence, who's calling, please?' When confronted, he explained that he had forgotten the greeting and that this was how his mother had taught him to answer phones." 'On his first day of work, my husband did the standard welcome he does for all new employees; he brought in donuts and gathered everyone around to meet the new guy. When asked to say a few words about himself, he said, 'I chose this job because all the good ones were taken,' and when asked what he knew about plumbing, he told a detailed story of a toilet-clogging dump he took a few months ago. My husband took him to a job site to get a feel for interacting with customers and basic repairs. Kevin asked the client if he could take home a framed photo of the client's teenage daughter hanging on the living room. For the first couple of weeks, Kevin kept stealing lunches from the break room and denying he had done it when the other employees called him on it (it's a small business, and obvious when someone has your food). The first day he brought his own lunch, he brought a pound of raw chuck and complained of an unsuitable work environment when my husband told him there was nowhere to grill it at the store. He ate it raw. He got sick and had to go to the hospital. Kevin approached a large tattooed Black employee at the business (who is actually a church pastor, an addiction counselor, and a volunteer sheriff) and tried to buy drugs from him. To impress a girl, Kevin volunteered to watch her dogs. While working. I don't know why she asked a stranger to watch her dogs, but after 15 minutes, Kevin got tired of waiting for her and let the dogs loose. (She got them back.) It all made sense when we met Kevin's mother, who came in and confronted my husband about why Kevin wasn't being paid for his work. He explained that it was a for-credit program through the high school (thinking Kevin might've intentionally misled his mother), but no matter how he explained it, she didn't get it and kept insisting he pay Kevin. Kevin turned 18 last month. He celebrated by getting a 'Calvin pissing' tattoo over his left peck, with his nipple serving as the penis. We know because he showed an infection on the site to a young family who'd come in as customers." — ligamentary 8. "When I was in high school, some of the jocks decided that Home Economics would be an easy A. One of the jocks was an absolute Kevin. So, the Home Ec class was learning how to use sewing machines. Kevin was sewing merrily away, with his thumb sticking out perpendicular to his left hand, putting it on trajectory toward the needle. Not surprisingly, he ran his thumb through the feed dogs and punctured it several times. He called out to the teacher for help. She came over and asked, 'What did you do?' Kevin replied, 'I did this,' and proceeded to repeat his actions, including going through the feed dogs and getting additional puncture wounds to his thumb." — Quiltrebel 9. "Sage started dating Kevin about two years before this incident. Things seemed to be going all right between them. She told me he was a bit of a derp and sometimes incredibly oblivious. He couldn't pick up subtle cues, and even suggestions flew over his head with about a mile of airspace between his skull and the suggestion. She initially chalked it up to him being on the autism spectrum, as she has a few other friends who have similar problems picking up cues. So she switched her behavior from 'talking to neurotypical' to 'talking to neurodivergent,' and the bumps smoothed out for a while. Then the talk of taking the relationship seriously came up. Marriage. Becoming a family. And that's when the plane hit the mountain with a cartoonish bang. Kevin said he wanted to DNA test Sage's kids to ensure they were his. The kids were 5 and 3 when Sage and Kevin started dating." "Sage said she had to come to a full stop in the conversation for several seconds while her brain rebooted. Sage: 'They're NOT your kids. You know they're not. My ex-husband and I had them together before I ever met you.' Kevin: 'Yeah, and now that we're getting married, they'll become mine. I just want to DNA test them to be sure of it.' Sage: 'Let me see if I understand this... Do you..... do you actually think my children's DNA will..... change... to become biologically yours when you adopt them?' Kevin: 'Obviously. I just want the confirmation on paper is all.' There was a long conversation about how DNA didn't work that way, with his rebuttal that adopting them would make them BECOME his. Then, there had to be a conversation that becoming his children would only happen on paper and in the legal system. That no, the children would NOT magically transform into his biological children once the paperwork was filled out. He insisted that EVERYBODY said the kids became theirs once adoption happened. She explained the concept that 'adopted children are loved just as much as if they were biological,' and that was what that meant. He insisted that everything pointed to kids BECOMING 'theirs.' His mom eventually had to become involved to back Sage up. His DAD had to become involved to back Sage up. A few books had to get involved to back Sage up. Kevin was furious! He couldn't understand why people would EVER adopt a kid if the kid didn't 'become' the actual biological child of the people who took them in. How stupid and selfish it was for kids to retain the DNA of the sperm/egg donor! How could any kid who wanted to be adopted REFUSE to change one little thing so they could have parents?! 'DNA doesn't work that way' is a bullshit excuse! He ranted. He raved, and right in front of his parents, he told her that if her kids weren't going to become his kids, the marriage wouldn't happen. He told her that he would give them all a week to change their minds and agree to be his biological kids. He said WHEN they stopped being selfish, and WHEN the DNA test proved it, he would take the kids in. Sage: 'And that's how the relationship ended.' Me: 'Uhhhh, wait, hang on, was he just looking for an excuse to break it off? Did he just get cold feet or want to date around some more or....?' Sage: 'Nope. He is just that stupid. His mom called me on the sly and very gently suggested that I break it off with Kevin because no matter how much she and his dad talk to him, he's adamant about it. He's even saying that he will NEVER date a woman with kids from here on out unless they agree to change their DNA to become his if the relationship becomes serious.' So Sage is single again, having dodged a tactical nuke. God help everyone if he ever breeds." — Alkuna 10. "I may have married a Kevin. He initially doesn't strike you as a Kevin, because he had a very successful career working for a government alphabet agency. But once he gets a notion in his head, you cannot remove it with dynamite. If his mother or his teacher, Sister Mary Godzilla, told him something 50+ years ago, then that was Revealed Truth and could not be changed. Sister MG told him men have one less rib than women. It has to be that way because God took Adam's rib to make Eve. I had to show him side-by-side images of male and female skeletons in a medical encyclopedia and make him count the ribs before he believed Sister may have been mistaken." "He also seems to have come up with a whole bunch of stuff all on his own: — There can't be a volcano under Yellowstone Park because they wouldn't be dumb enough to put a national park on top of a volcano. — Vaginas are just inside-out penises, so a woman who is using a tampon has to remove it to pee. — When you burn a candle, only the wick burns; the wax just runs down the side of the candle holder. He had no explanation as to what happens to the wax in a jar candle. — Meat is not the muscle tissue of animals but something else called the flesh. He did not explain where the muscles go if meat is this mysterious 'flesh.' Sometimes, he has to figure things out for himself. My dad would say, 'You can tell 'em and tell 'em, but some folks have just gotta pee on the electric fence for themselves.'" — TheFilthyDIL 12. "Kevin wanted to 'grow his own fruit' because he saw a TikTok about 'living off the land.' Respectable…until he pulled up to our local community garden with a bowl of chopped fruit. No seeds. No whole fruit. Just literal fruit salad. Mangos, bananas, grapes, and a strawberry or two diced, marinated, and probably taken from a hotel breakfast bar. He dug little holes and carefully spooned fruit chunks into the soil. Like he was planting flowers. He even watered them with pineapple juice because 'they'll grow faster if you feed them what they like.' We tried to tell him that's not how fruit works, but he insisted it would 're-form in the dirt' and 'find itself again through nature.' Bro thought fruit had a respawn point. He came back two weeks later, mad nothing sprouted, and blamed the 'vibe of the soil.'" — Sharp_Pin_1963 13. "My sister used to work with a lady who was a total Kevina. One day, she called out from work because she was in the hospital, on IV fluids, from dehydration and heat exhaustion. After returning to work, my sister asked her how she got so dehydrated. Poor Kevina had no idea, although I'm certain they tried hard to explain it to her at the hospital." "Their conversation went something like this: Sister: 'What happened? How did you get so dehydrated?' Kevina: 'I don't know! I was just swimming.' Sister: 'Were you drinking water?' Kevina: 'Not really. But I was swimming!' Sister: 'Uh, ok? You weren't drinking anything, though? Like all day? It was almost a hundred degrees!' Kevina: 'Yeah, but I was in the water, so I wasn't hot. And you can't get dehydrated when you are in water.' No amount of explanation could convince Kevina that she could, and did, get dehydrated while swimming because she didn't drink any fluids for hours on an incredibly hot day." — the-power-of-a-name 14. "In the early '90s, I knew this kid (15) whose mom asked him to vacuum the house while she was at work. Kevin didn't want to — he just wanted to sit in his room, smoke pot, and listen to music — so he hatched a brilliant plan to get out of vacuuming. He knew the vacuum left lines in the carpet when run over it, so, without plugging in the machine, he ran it over the house's carpet so that it would leave the lines. Voila! Kevin got out of his vacuuming chore!" — SweaterUndulations 15. "One night, I got to meet this girl who my friends said was a perfect description of a 'Kevina.' We were eating some fast food (burgers and fries) when she asked, 'I really wonder what fries are made of? Flour?'" — a_dozen_of_eggs