2 days ago
Here's How to Deal with Sibling Rivalry, According to a Clinical Psychologist
As someone who grew up with four sisters and has two kids of my own who are roughly two years apart, I can tell you with some authority that sibling rivalry is rough…but if you're reading this then you probably already know that. But why are your kids turning your home into a Jerry Springer episode on the daily? And what the hell are you supposed to do about it? I spoke to a clinical psychologist to learn more about why this dynamic develops and get some advice on how to deal with sibling rivalry so, you know, all hell doesn't break loose. Here's what you need to know.
Dr. Bethany Cook, PsyD, MT-BC, is a licensed clinical psychologist and author of For What It's Worth: A Perspective on How to Thrive and Survive Parenting. She's a sought-after therapist and quoted media expert who brings accessible, real-world guidance to families of all socioeconomic and mental health backgrounds, based on over 20 years of clinical experience in the Cook tells me that sibling rivalry is 'a perfectly normal side effect of kids sharing the same parental resources,' but the psychological reasons for it, as outlined below, are rather complicated.
One of the widely accepted explanations for sibling rivalry comes from Alfred Adler, who argued that kids jockey for parental time and validation to avoid feelings of inferiority. This dynamic is exacerbated by factors such as social comparison and self-evaluation: 'Kids measure themselves against their closest peer group—often a brother or sister—using successes and failures to calibrate their own worth,' explains Dr. Cook. The expert also tells me that Parental Differential Treatment (PDT) is often a factor. This is when there are differences in the amount of warmth and/or the kind of discipline and privileges the siblings receive, and 'even small discrepancies have been shown to reliably predict more conflict and resentment between siblings.'
To make matters even more complicated, Dr. Cook says that 'individual differences in impulsivity, emotional reactivity, and social skills mean some dyads ignite more easily than others.' Bottom line: There are factors that you can control (i.e., try to be consistent with how you treat your children) and ones that you can't—like the fact that siblings are hardwired to compare and compete. Plus, our love for our children is limitless, but some resources (like time!) are actually scarce…and they know it.
Jose LuisAccording to the expert, collaborative parenting has its merits. 'Instead of deciding who's 'right,' guide children to negotiate and find mutually acceptable solutions. Teach them to state feelings, propose fixes and compromise,' advises Dr. Cook.
In other words, I probably shouldn't have settled my kids' morning argument by snatching the remote from my older one and telling her that I know she never lets her brother have a chance to watch what he wants, before handing the remote over to him. Instead, I should have said something like: 'Oh no, you guys are fighting over the TV again. Why don't you take turns telling each other how you're feeling and what you want, and see if you can come up with a solution that feels fair?'
Choke down that outrage when bad behavior surfaces. Per Dr. Cook, 'emotions are catchy—if you keep your cool, the kids will cool down faster and the fight will fizzle out.' (Psst: you can find some more advice on how to keep your cool here.)
In order to be an effective teacher in this department, you will need to have mastered tip #2 first. Remember that kids are still developing emotional regulation skills and the best way you can help them is by modeling it yourself. 'Practice labeling feelings, deep-breathing or taking a pause before reengaging. And grab the feelings wheel if needed,' says Dr. Cook, adding that you should do this on your own and with your kids when conflicts arise.
Not all rules can be the same across the board. After all, you are parenting two or more different people with distinct needs and abilities. That said, the expert advises that you 'explain your reasoning for any rule differences (i.e., later bedtime for teens) and offer comparable one-on-one time to each child.'
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'Give siblings a shared goal—building a fort, baking, completing a puzzle—so that success depends on collaboration,' says Dr. Cook. I'm not going to lie: I got chills when I heard this bit of advice—namely because my kids are currently fighting so much that I avoid collaborative projects like the plague. But I'll give it another go one day when I'm in a really, really peaceful, happy place.
The expert emphasizes the importance of 'highlighting each child's unique interests and abilities, while avoiding labels like 'the smart one' or 'the athletic one.'' And if children have similar areas of interest, that's great, too…but you might have to make an effort to ensure that they each get to explore and develop that interest at their own pace without unwanted interference from a sibling.
It's basically therapy 101: I feel…when you…could we? 'Simple say-it-like-this phrases give kids an easy way to speak up without hitting or yelling—and they give parents a ready-made script, since most of us are winging it, too,' says Dr. Cook.
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The expert recommends that you clearly state non-negotiable rules (i.e., no hitting, no name-calling, etc.) and come up with logical consequences, ideally before the breach has occurred, that are consistently applied to everyone.
Let's be real, it's very difficult to perfectly divide your attention between children on a day-to-day basis. For this reason, Dr. Cook suggests that you carve out alone time with each child in a way that works for your schedule. 'One-on-one time fills each child's attention tank, so they don't have to compete for it.'
Finally, if sibling rivalry is chronic or violent, the expert recommends that you seek professional help in the form of a solutions-focused therapist (i.e., Strategic Family Therapy) who can help realign patterns.
It is absolutely possible to deal with sibling rivalry, though Dr. Cook advises parents to think in terms of less chaos, not no conflict. 'Research reviews consistently find that when parents learn mediation skills and kids practice social skills training, sibling fights happen less often and get less intense, and those improvements stick around over time.' In other words, the buck stops with you, friend.
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