Latest news with #TheAmbitionTrap
Yahoo
13 hours ago
- Business
- Yahoo
How to Avoid Falling Into the Midlife ‘Ambition Trap'
Business and executive coach Amina AlTai learned about burnout the hard way: In her former marketing and brand management career, she constantly pushed herself to the point where stress took over her entire body. She unknowingly had two autoimmune conditions, and a doctor told her she was at risk of multiple organ failures if she did not seek further care. From there, it was a slow, steady process of deciding that her ambition needed to be more of an ebb and flow and that she could not measure her success based on others' standards. More from Flow Space She Climbed to the Top of Media-Then, Menopause Nearly Took Her Down Now in the new decade of her 40s, AlTai recently released a book called, The Ambition Trap: How to Stop Chasing and Start Living, to help women navigate their goals and larger purpose, both in their careers and lives, while staying attentive to their own mental health and physical well-being. She recently sat down with Flow Space to answer a few questions about avoiding the 'ambition trap.' Flow Space: What can you say about midlife women's relationship to ambition and how you've seen it change over time? Amina AlTai: I define ambition as neutral and natural: It's simply a desire for more life and simply a wish to unfold. But we live in a world that makes it right for some people and wrong for others. So women, people of color and people with disabilities, all of us experience an ambition penalty. Men are rewarded for theirs. For women, it's seen as a detractor, and women who just want to negotiate their salaries are seen as 'aggressive.' And then, women of color are actually the most ambitious cohort in the workplace but experience the most microaggressions and the most headwinds. I feel it's really important to contextualize it that way and sort of level set the playing field, because how we come to culturally understand ambition is 'more for more's sake all the time,' and that can cost us our health, our relationships and beyond. I do notice some trends around midlife, generally speaking; that's when a lot of people find me. It's usually when I've gotten to the top of whatever mountain they felt like they 'should climb,' [whether] conscious or unconscious. And then, they get to the top, and they look around and they realize this isn't it. I kind of strived based on other people's goals and ideas of success, and I'm actually at a point where I want to refine this for myself. I want to come home to myself. I want to be in my relationship with my mission. I want to succeed in a way that is true for me. So I feel like there is a reconciliation that happens in midlife around success and mission and purpose. When it comes to women of color and more recent pushes to incorporate people of many diverse identities in leadership, how can they navigate this shift without having had some of the same opportunities and support thus far in their careers? I coach a lot of women who are 'the first woman,' 'first woman of color,' 'the first queer person' to make the leadership, and so they haven't had the necessary mentorship or support or allyship in their organizations to get where they are. So they've experienced far more headwinds than most people ever will, and, you know, maybe more headwinds than the next generation. I don't know if you're familiar with the 'wolf pack' metaphor. As the wolves walk together, the leader in the front will take most of the hits and makes space for all the wolves behind them to emerge unscathed. And I think of it that way. I think it's a really beautiful thing. It's a hard thing, and it's hard not to martyr ourselves in the process. That's a big thing that I work on with my clients, but I think it's so important and meaningful if we are working like that. For women who are the first, the trailblazers, and have to saddle all of that, how do they take care of themselves and their mental well-being? So two things: the ebb and flow of ambition and also community. We think of ambition as… more money, more power, and that's being ambitious. But I actually think ambition is much more like a perennial flower. We drop the seedling of desire in the ground. We nurture our inner and outer environments, we grow, we have this momentary peak in the sun, which is so lovely. Seasons change, and we wind down and go back underground. That ground is fallow until it's lush enough that we rise again. So I think that ambition is about facing rest, recovery and growth, not just growth all the time. That allows us to take care of ourselves enough that we have the strength in those other moments. Community is so important. A lot of these people, they're so lonely at the top. There aren't mentors for them, and there aren't enough allies for them. They need somebody that they can lean on to help cultivate a sense of psychological safety in certain realms and spaces that they don't have at work. And so a community becomes even more important for these people. The Ambition Trap On Sale 41% off Buy Now $17.56 There is, collectively, a lot of panic around the economy, layoffs and changing industries with technology, so people who are mid-career might be feeling like they're being phased out or maybe won't be considered for opportunities moving forward. Do you have suggestions on how people can reframe those anxious thoughts using the the model of ambition as a perennial flower? In the book, I was really careful to talk about how there's two things at play: our own mindset and our own unconscious patterns, and the system that we're operating in. I think a lot of us have ideas about midlife and what's possible for us in midlife, and also, ageism is really real, right? Yes, we have to look at our own stories about what's possible for us at a certain age, and expand our beliefs. And also, we have to acknowledge that we're working in a system that tends to penalize people at a certain age and reward people of a certain age. We have to acknowledge both things: working on ourselves while also working to shift the system. I think if we're coming from a place of fear, scarcity and uncertainty, I think it's a great moment to pause, to potentially go underground and to work on ourselves, to look at how we need to nurture ourselves to be able to grow. In this particular context, I think the nurturing would be looking at my mindset, but also, do I need to upskill or reskill in order to cultivate more relevance under myself, to grow and thrive in this moment (which I think is the question a lot of us are asking, regardless of age right now, especially because of AI and how quickly it's changing things for us)? It is a great underground moment to take and reflect on what I need to meaningfully nurture in this moment to rise in the next one. What does upskilling or reskilling look like, is it kind of stretching yourself in a direction that you maybe didn't originally picture, or taking more more classes, or honing a new skill? Every next level of our life requires a different version of us. And also the dream is probably a little bit different. But oftentimes we don't pause to reorient. That's why it's a great moment to ask ourselves, the environment is changing, the marketplace is changing, so what's my dream for this next level? And then, looking at that dream and asking, 'well, who do I need to be and what skills do I need cultivate to be able to live into that? Do I need to take classes? Do I need to brush up on this thing?' Let's say 10% of my job before was driven by AI, but now 50% of it is, so I need to figure out how to collaborate with that in a more functional and supportive way. It's taking stock of the different skill gaps that we have and looking at where we need to fill them in with classes, with learning, et cetera. You reference a lot of achievement being not about external validation, but being for yourself. That's probably something that a lot of women 40+ struggle with. How can we relate that idea of striving to not seek the external validation of ambition back to midlife women and their careers? As the old adage goes, 'comparison is the thief of joy.' If I'm always looking externally comparing myself to other people, I'm always going to come up short, because the only thing I can be exceptional at is being myself. What I notice about women in midlife, in coaching a lot of really senior women, is that we are constantly moving the goal post. I put myself in this category, too. OK, this thing, what's the next thing and the next thing? We're always moving the goal post, and so we never arrive, which is why in the book, I talk so much about cultivating a sense of contentment, this unconditional wholeness. Regardless of what I'm achieving and what's happening externally, I know inside I'm OK; I have this internal ability. It's not an overnight thing, to stop the external validation, because that's how we've been honed and shaped. That's how we know we're doing OK. Bit by bit, we need to take that back and insource that validation by looking at cultivating a sense of contentment. In the book you mention finding your 'zone of genius' in your career. How can we approach that? It's brilliant: where our gifts are innate, we don't need to push or force our efforts, it kind of flows. What I notice about people that I coach when we do work around the 'zone of genius,' they kind of throw it away. Like, doesn't everybody have that thing that I can do this way? No, that is really special and unique to you. One of the things I do with my clients is we figure out ways to stack their genius. We all have probably more than one forms of genius, and when you put them together, it becomes this just exponential gift to the world. It really shifts things. A lot of us get to the point where we feel like if we don't express that gift, we will wither and die. Honestly, that's kind of the point in time people find me: they know they have something to contribute, and it's so painful to not bring it to the world. The tricky part for a lot of people is we build our careers oftentimes around our 'zone of excellence,' and that usually benefits somebody else's 'zone of genius.' People are afraid to relinquish the excellence and set into genius, because they're worried everything will fall away. But the invitation is just to start with 10 minutes. What can you accomplish with that 10-minute model, what does that involve? If you start with 10 minutes a day with the thing you are miraculous at, and you go up to 50, and then 60, bit by bit, you can shift into that over time almost fully. And you're doing it in a really psychologically safe way. It's not safe for most of us to be like, jumping off the cliff and leaving this job that pays my bills. And so if you do it in those increments, start with 10 minutes a day, it can expand, and you've done it in a way that you didn't put yourself at risk. First and foremost, do the exercise in the book on 'finding your zone of genius.' It's really helpful to understand what is your 'exceptional.' Then, it's picking the one thing that is at the top of the list for yo, and putting time on your account to spend time today doing that thing. Let's say you're exceptional at nurturing talent. So, I'm going to put it on my calendar tomorrow to do a little bit of coaching for somebody on my team; they've been asking for it and I haven't given them the time, so let me do that. One of the stories I tell in the book is my own story. I was in marketing and brand management the year that I was building my coaching business, and it was really interesting to kind of watch the scales tip. I started by spending more time in marketing, and by the end of the year, I was almost fully into coaching. And the last marketing consulting project I had, I left the project, and I gave this person months and months of notice. But they were so upset about it, because my excellence with the marketing supported their genius. It was tempting at that point to let my genius go so I [wouldn't] let this person down. But I just knew I had to go choose this other version of myself. This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity.
Yahoo
23-05-2025
- Business
- Yahoo
3 tips for avoiding workplace burnout
Workplace stress among American employees is on the rise, as nearly 3 in 5 workers in 2024 struggled with burnout. Amina AlTai, executive coach and author of "The Ambition Trap," joins Wealth with Brad Smith to discuss the cost of employee burnout and offer tips for avoiding it. To watch more expert insights and analysis on the latest market action, check out more Wealth here. Sign in to access your portfolio
Forbes
16-05-2025
- General
- Forbes
High-Functioning, Low Joy: Why Women Are Overachieving On Empty
Have you been checking off milestones like items on a to-do list instead of taking time to celebrate your wins? Do you smile through gritted teeth? How many times have you burned yourself out working to get to the next level, to hit your next goal, only to find that the target keeps moving? Do you struggle to relax when you finally get a day off? Or have you ever woken up realizing you have no joy in your work but don't really know where to go from there? Read on for expert tips on identifying what's driving this pattern and what you can do to break free. Hidden depression and shame may be driving burnout. What drives us to stay in constant motion You likely didn't map out your future career with the intention of being constantly busy and exhausted, so how did you end up in this pattern? Amina AlTai is an executive coach and author of The Ambition Trap: How to stop chasing and Start living. She points to shame and perfectionism as factors in why we push ourselves to the limit and beyond. 'Shame is the root of most of it. At the bottom of all of this is the feeling for most of us that we are unlovable, unworthy.' We get caught up in thinking that we can prove our worth via the quality of our work and by the volume how much we can do. 'Perfectionism is a survival tactic rooted in imposter syndrome for women and other historically excluded people. A lot of the times, the spaces that we want to be in, we look around and we don't always see people that look like us. We question our sense of belonging. What happens is when we question our sense of belonging, we tend to double down and work harder to prove to people that we deserve a seat at the table.' She also points to the fact that they have long been held to different standards than their male counterparts, rarely afforded the same grace when they do fail, amplifying the feeling that they're not allowed to make mistakes. 'Sometimes that impacts our ability to take risks as well,' adds AlTai, 'because we're so worried about a misstep and how it's going to look and what's going to happen to us that we often won't innovate as a result of that.' Hidden depression and trauma can also be factors that cause us to overwork and overdo. Dr. Judith Joseph is a Columbia-trained psychiatrist, NYU professor and author of High Functioning: Overcome your hidden depression and reclaim your joy. 'Many people don't realize that when they have painful experiences that shape the way that they see the world and the way that they interact in the world, that these are traumas.' Because we're conditioned to think of trauma as the 'big T' stuff, sometimes people overlook the negative experiences that still cause trauma and impact their view of themselves and the world around them. Even when people try to ignore the trauma or push it to the background, says Dr. Joseph, 'Over time, that trauma does sneak up in many different ways. It sneaks up in the choices that you make and the people that you love and the way that you view yourself.' This can bleed into workplace dynamics. And when depression is in the mix, this can take away from feeling joy and a sense of accomplishment, pushing you to just keep going, working towards the next milestone without taking a break to appreciate your achievements. Identifying the wounds driving your mindset and habits is a powerful step to take towards building healthier ones, she says. Noticing how that shame and perfectionism drive up is the first step towards making a shift away from those behaviors that put us on the track to burnout. Not feeling able to celebrate your wins is a common sign of burnout Signs of hidden depression and burnout Being aware of hidden depression and trauma and the patterns they contribute to and spotting them in yourself can be two different things. You could be going through the motions of a robust self-care practice, AlTai explains, doing yoga and stretching and red light therapy and sauna and ice baths and journaling and meditation and still feel burnt out. This is because you're not acknowledging the root causes of your burnout. Dr. Joseph says, 'Think about the millions of people in the world who have symptoms of depression, who are over-functioning, showing up for others, being the rock, being the parent, being the educator, being the entrepreneur and not breaking down. They don't acknowledge the distress or they just don't have the tools to express it, or they just 'weren't brought up that way.'' These are the people who often are neglected because they don't 'check the boxes,' in the traditional sense, for meeting treatment criteria, she explains. This is why noticing when you need help and advocating for yourself can be so powerful. Here are some signs to look for: AlTai adds, 'I think it's always important to understand where your baseline is so you can watch for changes and get a sense of what they mean for you.' Getting in touch with what really makes you happy-and what holds you back from that—is an important ... More step to reclaiming joy. First steps to reclaim joy in your work life Just as a reminder, the goal is not to be blissfully happy every moment of every day. If the line 'I'm so depressed I act like it's my birthday' from Taylor Swift's 'I Can Do It With A Broken Heart' resonated with you, congrats! You have enough self-awareness to realize that faking joy and experiencing joy feel different. Chasing constant happiness as your goal can actually make you feel pretty bad about yourself when you fail to reach that impossible standard. AlTai explains, 'Our obsession with happiness is making us really miserable because in the West we are really obsessed with this notion of happiness. Whereas in eastern traditions, they're more concerned with contentment. And contentment, when it's translated from a lot of ancient texts, means unconditional wholeness. And so happiness by nature is meant to be transient. It's an emotion and emotions are meant to change all the time. They are energy in motion. We're not meant to be happy all the time. We're meant to feel happy, sad, angry, joyful, elated, bummed—out all the things.' Contentment, she says, is a more stable state from which we can navigate life's ups and downs, helping us feel more resilient. In her book, Dr. Joseph talks about 'the five V's,' which are validation, venting, values, vision and vitals, based on mindfulness research, positive psychology and cognitive behavioral therapy.' It's important to acknowledge and express how you feel and then look at how your current situation aligns (or doesn't) with your values. From there, she explains, you can take stock of various measures of joy in your life and then visualize the life you want so you can start focusing on the things you need to feel nourished and alive. She encourages identifying which one or two of these steps would be the place for you to start. 'In research,' she explains, 'when we measure happiness in science, we're measuring points of joy. We're adding up whether or not when you're with your loved ones, do you feel connected when you're eating your food, are you savoring it when you take a nap or do you feel rested? Those are the points of joy that are happiness. So think about joy as the experience and happiness as the idea. And when people chase the idea, they're still not happy. And then there's a huge reframe. So when you pour into your values every day and you're experiencing joy, that is what happiness is. It's now, it's not an elusive point in the future.' And while those vitals— the things that nourish your body and your brain—could be things like eating well, sleeping enough, and moving your body, she adds, some important ones that often get overlooked are our relationship with technology, our relationships with others and our work-life relationship. Your relationship to yourself is also of the utmost importance, says Dr. Joseph. 'You have to love yourself. If you are not taking care of yourself, people pick up on that. You are projecting that into the world.' Knowing where you struggle and taking proactive steps can help protect against future burnout. Preventing future burnout Building awareness of where your burnout-driving behaviors come from and taking steps to respond mindfully to your emotions can be very helpful in preventing future burnout. AlTai also likes to employ a tool called The Resentment Line. 'A lot of us live below the resentment line and we don't tell anybody where this line is. So the resentment line is exactly what it sounds like If we live below it, we are resentful. If we live above it, we're not resentful. And sometimes we live below the resentment line because we're letting people trespass all over our boundaries. Sometimes we're living below the resentment line because we're not making enough money. There's so many reasons that we could live below the resentment line, but all of that also exacerbates burnout.' She also encourages looking at how you're showing up in your work life (or personal life, if that's where you're struggling) and decide what you'd like to shift, moving forward. Draw some boundaries. 'Boundaries play such a big role. What are you willing to tolerate? What are you not willing to tolerate? What will you say yes to? What will you say no to? And know your trade-offs. So if you say yes to something and your plate's already full, it usually means you have to say no to something else.' If you struggle with low self-worth and are quick to beat up on yourself if you don't do something perfectly or are met with rejection, says Dr. Joseph, 'You should challenge that belief and say, no, I actually belong here and I did a great job and they should want me and I don't have to burn myself out to be here. And when you start to realize that all of these behaviors are tied to these past unresolved things that happened to you, and you make different decisions in life, then you have more control over whether or not you burn out. But many of us, we continue to run ourselves ragged because we don't know what the core is, why we do this in the first place. And so that's why I encourage people to understand the science of their happiness. When you understand what's making you unhappy, then you know how to protect what will make you happy, and you'll fight for that versus burning yourself out and running yourself ragged.'
