14-05-2025
Fries at mum's, burritos at dad's: How kids learn to cope through food
Kids may compartmentalise their eating habits according to where they are. — Boumenjapet/Dreamstime/TNS
My 15-year-old son goes back and forth between his father's home and mine. When he's ready to return, I always go to the supermarket and stock up. Yesterday I was talking to his bonus mum (my co-parent's wife) and she mentioned his favourite food at their house. I was shocked. He never eats burritos at our house, and I told her so. I told her about his favourite food at my house – French fries from the air fryer – and she laughed. They don't have an air fryer and he never eats French fries there. I'm so afraid there is something psychologically wrong here and we have tried so hard to make it easy on him. What's good ex-etiquette?
There may be some psychological issue, but I can't say that based on what you describe. It's more that he has compartmentalised his eating habits.
Burritos at dads, French fries at mum's. Dad doesn't have an air fryer, so he found something he liked that didn't require one.
You could look at the deep psychological reasons behind it, but short of getting him into counselling, it sounds like he's just learning to cope with what is before him.
Living in two homes is not easy – I think we will all agree – and humans find different ways to cope with difficult situations.
Since you were just chatting with his bonus mum, that tells me, as you say, that you have worked hard to rise above any possible animosity between homes.
But he still may need some soothing, and eating one's favourite foods is often the way we do that.
Although looking to food to soothe our emotions is not recommended, he's still 15, and 15-year-old boys fill their bodies with just about anything they can get their hands on when they are hungry.
I always tell my readers when I have gone through something similar to what they are facing, and this is one of those times.
At about the same age as your son, my bonus son went through just about the same thing.
At my house it was also burritos. At his mother's house, it was fruit cocktail. I found out and bought him all sorts of fruit cocktail and he looked at me like I was crazy when I suggested he eat some.
'I eat that at Mum's,' he said. 'Not here.'
And when his mum and I both asked him about it, he told us we were making a big deal out of nothing and don't worry about it.
I gave the fruit cocktail to his mother and never heard another thing.
The thing that is important about this situation is that you have created an environment where you can talk about it.
Your son can weigh in, you have discussed it with the other home, and if there was a problem, you have a way to solve it together.
You can't get any better ex-etiquette than that. Keep up the good work. – Dr JANN BLACKSTONE/Tribune News Service
Dr Jann Blackstone is a child custody mediator and the author of The Bonus Family Handbook: The Definitive Guide To Co-Parenting And Creating Stronger Families .
