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USA Today
18-03-2025
- Entertainment
- USA Today
Millennials are mocked for gentle parenting. But have they been right all along?
Millennials are mocked for gentle parenting. But have they been right all along? Show Caption Hide Caption Tips for flying with kids: Advice to make your family flight easier Learn how to have stress-free air travel with tips for flying with kids. It was one of those rare parenting wins that are few and far between. Lauren Reed's two young daughters, who are 6 and 3 years old, were in the doorway of her kitchen talking out a dispute about blocks that minutes before had ended in yelling and tears. 'I noticed pretty clearly my older daughter was using the language we use every day,' said Reed, 38, from Richmond, Virginia. 'I was so excited about how well they were doing.' The moment was so precious that Reed whipped out her phone to take a quick video and later shared it on TikTok. It quickly went viral, garnering over 9 million views, plus another 15 million on Instagram. Gentle parenting is emotionally exhausting, Reed said, but these little wins carry her through the hard days. 'By the end of the day, we're definitely tired and feel like we've done a lot of parenting,' she said. 'You see moments like this and you're like, 'it is working.' They're kind and emotionally intelligent young people and it makes it all worth it.' The parenting style popularized by Millennials has received criticism from older generations who argue parents are too permissive with their children. But child psychologists say they're seeing a shift in young children and their emotional intelligence that seems to suggest that gentle parenting might be working. 'As a generation, the younger kids are more insightful with mental health concerns, more specific with the emotional language they're using and communicate it effectively with others,' said Dr. Elizabeth Ortiz-Schwartz, service chief of the adolescent inpatient program at Silver Hill Hospital in Connecticut. Commenters on Reed's video are flocking to it, vindicated: "THIS is gentle parenting. Not the misinformation people say it is where parents let their kids get away with everything," read one of the 16,500 comments on TikTok. "It teaches emotional regulation, communication skills and natural consequences." Another declared: "WE'RE DOING IT GUYS WE'RE HEALING GENERATIONS." What is gentle parenting? Gentle parenting is a parenting style that's rooted in understanding, empathy, respect and boundaries, said parenting expert Sarah Ockwell-Smith, who wrote the book that brought gentle parenting to mainstream: 'The Gentle Parenting Book,' which was first published in 2016. 'It's treating children in the way you wished you had been treated by parents and caregivers when you were a child,' she said. While some may confuse it with permissive parenting, another parenting style that imposes few rules and discipline, Ockwell-Smith said gentle parenting is a 'kinder' version of authoritative parenting, characterized by a close, nurturing relationship between caregivers and their children. Although Ockwell-Smith has used the term 'gentle parenting" for about 20 years, authoritative parenting has been around since the 1960s when developmental psychologist Diana Baumrind identified it as one of the four main styles of parenting: Authoritarian, permissive, authoritative and neglectful. Authoritarian parenting, which is defined by strict rules and punishment, is 'still by far the main parenting style' practice in the U.S. and U.K., Ockwell-Smith said. 'We want to grow kids who don't need therapy, kids that have relationships that last as adults, with good mental health,' she said. A 2024 study suggests that people who practice gentle parenting may not do it by the book. Some caregivers who self-identify as gentle parents utilize techniques characteristic of authoritarian style parenting while others lean more permissive, said lead author Annie Pezalla, visiting assistant professor of psychology at Macalester College in Sant Paul, Minnesota. 'There's tons of diversity in this movement,' she said. But the gentle parenting ideology 'as a whole' represents an 'earnestness in parenting.' Is gentle parenting working? While there's no data that objectively determines if gentle parenting is working, anecdotal evidence suggests it might be. Child development experts say there's been a noticeable change in young children. They're more empathetic, emotionally intelligent and able to communicate how they feel, said Dr. Stacy Doumas, a child psychiatrist at Hackensack Meridian Jersey Shore University Medical Center. 'A lot of children are much more able to discuss their feelings, their worries and concerns and have those open and honest conversations,' she said. 'They're able to do that in situations where they feel that they're going to be validated and have a good sounding board.' Ockwell-Smith said parents shouldn't expect immediate results from gentle parenting. Gentle parenting is meant to create a lasting, strong bond between caregiver and child throughout their childhood, adolescence and adulthood, Ockwell-Smith said, which means gentle parents don't typically see the fruits of their labor "for a long time." 'Genius' laundry hack or 'child labor?' Why one video sparked a fierce debate. 'You're in it for the long haul," she said. In the meantime, children of gentle parents still cry, throw tantrums, hit their siblings and backtalk because 'it's just what children do,' she said. The difference is that behaviors happen in a supportive environment where boundaries are held while children feel heard and validated. In the 2024 study, researchers were surprised to find that many self-identifying gentle parents were gentle-parented themselves, which Pezalla said gives a glimpse of how gentle-parented kids may grow up. These gentle parents boasted great relationships with their own parents and wanted to continue that with their children, she said. What isn't working about gentle parenting? While gentle parenting may be working for kids, it may be at the cost of parents' mental health. Child development experts said this parenting style can be time-intensive and emotionally exhausting. 'It takes a lot of emotional investment to really hear what your child's thoughts are and to give them choices within boundaries,' said Doumas, from Hackensack Meridian Jersey Shore University Medical Center. Ockwell-Smith said gentle parenting may be more difficult and time-consuming on the front end, when children are little, but it pays off when they're grown and less time is required during their teenage years. "Gentle parenting is more work and harder work in the early years," she said. "The time when I was reaping the rewards was during the teenage years... I have a really great relationship with my teenager because of the work I put in earlier." Research shows parents are spending more time caring for their children. For mothers, the average time spent on childcare rose from 8.4 hours in 1985 to 11.8 hours in 2022. For fathers, weekly childcare hours rose from 2.6 to 6.6 in those years. Sibling gifts for birthdays? Kylie Kelce 'vehemently against' new trend – and experts agree. With increased demands on parents, former U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy issued a public health warning last year that detailed the potential dangers of parenting. The surgeon general report found that two-fifths of parents say that on most days, 'they are so stressed they cannot function. Roughly half of parents called that stress 'completely overwhelming.' But Ockwell-Smith argues gentle parenting isn't to blame. The added stress that parents feel is due to policy decisions regarding paid parental leave, childcare costs and early education. 'One universal truth is that parenting is exhausting and draining and difficult no matter how you do it,' Ockwell-Smith said. 'A major part of gentle parenting is focusing and starting with yourself, prioritizing your needs and taking care of yourself.' Reed, from Richmond, Virginia, can relate. She attested one of the hardest things about gentle parenting is working through her own difficult emotions and identifying when she needs a break. She's not perfect. Reed gets frustrated with her daughters but she's learned how to repair and reconnect with them after a tough day. "It's really hard work but it's so worth it," Reed said. "Lay down the groundwork early so you can have the best relationship with them forever." Adrianna Rodriguez can be reached at adrodriguez@
Telegraph
27-02-2025
- General
- Telegraph
Parenting books aren't the solution, they're actually the problem
I tend to agree with Katherine Birbalsingh's analysis of the ineffectual modern parent – not least because I lack authority myself, and would prefer to blame it on a cultural phenomenon. The woman best known as Britain's strictest head teacher says parents have lost 'dominion' over our children, because of a change in the literature and psychology of child-rearing. 'If you're looking for books to give you advice on what to do as a parent, it's almost impossible to access the kind of advice you would have gotten 50, 60 years ago,' says Birbalsingh. 'The stuff you'll get nowadays will be much more along the lines of gentle parenting, being friends with your children, not holding them to account.' A quick glance at Amazon's childcare section – There's No Such Thing as Naughty; The Patient Parent; Parenting Without Anger; The Gentle Parenting Book – seems to confirm this diagnosis. But even more striking than the tone of these books is their number. There are currently more than 60,000 parenting books listed on Amazon's UK site. Add to that the cacophony of online parenting advice – the websites, apps, forums and social media influencers – and what you have is a psychological Babel. This, it seems to me, is the real cultural difference between my parents' generation and mine. They could still hear themselves think. There was only one notable parenting guru around during my own babyhood: Dr Spock. (He was on the soft side. Not the disciplinarian of Birbalsingh's nostalgic thesis.) The idea that parenting was a complex mission requiring specialist knowledge had not yet fully caught on. My mother tells me she never read a single parenting book. 'I just listened to your grandmothers. And then I ignored them.' By contrast, I read voraciously; it seemed negligent not to, with so much information out there. My parenting style flapped around like a windsock in a hurricane, as one childcare guru superseded another. Every change of direction eroded what little confidence I had in my own instincts; and this, in turn, kept me scurrying back to the bookshelf in search of guidance. I ended up – as I remain – confused, irresolute and inconsistent. Not just from reading the wrong books, but from reading any at all. Social media algorithms There are, it should be said, some benefits to the friendly model of contemporary parenting. My children confide in me with welcome frankness, and in doing so often reveal hidden aspects of their own culture. My eldest boy, for example, tells me that every few weeks he resets his Instagram algorithm by searching for cute wombats, funny pandas and other 'middle-aged mum stuff'. He has to do this, or his timeline becomes over-run with neo-Nazis. The algorithm wants to serve him far-Right content because he is a) a teenage boy, and b) a fan of mixed martial arts (MMA). For reasons that I don't fully understand, but he does, there's an ideological pipeline that runs from MMA to Donald Trump to the white supremacist sub-culture of so-called Active Clubs, which revere Hitler and were closely involved in the rioting that followed the Southport murders. An algorithm is a curiously blunt instrument, even now. It cannot understand that a boy who is interested in fighting might also be gentle, philosophical, politically moderate. Despite having access to all his data, it can't actually see my son at all. Only the pigeonhole into which it keeps trying to usher him.
Boston Globe
05-02-2025
- General
- Boston Globe
‘I'm hanging on for dear life.' Gentle parenting isn't always gentle on parents.
Advertisement 'That's when gentle parenting became very overwhelming,' says Fetzer, 38, who now has three children, ages 6, 5, and 1. Get Starting Point A guide through the most important stories of the morning, delivered Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Enter Email Sign Up Gentle parenting hasn't been around long enough to judge the long-term effects on children, though research suggests that many of its tenets — skipping spankings, displaying warmth, validating emotions — benefit them. This is good for parents eager to believe their choices can help shape a successful future for their children — but it also may come at a cost. Last year, a surgeon general's advisory said that 41 percent of American parents say most days they are 'so stressed they cannot function.' The report isn't broken down by parenting style — but it's safe to bet the gentle parents are not OK. The idea that certain approaches to parenting will yield the happiest, most successful, healthiest children— the best children—is not a new one. Dr. Benjamin Spock published his now-classic book, in 1946, and it has remained popular since, with more than 50 million copies sold. Twenty years later, More recent decades have brought attachment parenting, tiger parenting, helicopter parenting, free-range parenting, elephant parenting, lighthouse parenting, and any number of other such philosophies. What distinguishes gentle parenting, however, is that it has come of age in an era of social media saturation. Advertisement The term was coined by The Gentle Parenting Book, but it has since taken on a life of its own in the hands of online influencers. In most descriptions, gentle parenting asks parents to address the feelings motivating bad — scratch that, unwanted — behaviors rather than punishing kids for them. When a child pushes his brother, gentle parenting suggests we rein in our frustration, then get down to his eye level, express empathy for his anger, ask him how he thinks his brother feels, and talk about better ways to express 'big feelings.' The philosophy says we shouldn't tell our daughter 'You're fine' or 'Don't cry,' when she falls and bumps her knee — instead we should ask her how she feels and reassure her it is OK to cry. Ockwell-Smith has said gentle parenting isn't about a rigid set of rules. But that hasn't stopped content creators from populating their feeds with all manner of specifics, including checklists, scripts, and dos and don'ts. A search for the hashtag on Instagram yields thousands of posts telling parents what to say ('I hear you'), what not to say ('Don't lie to me'), and what questions to ask ('What was the trickiest thing that happened today?'). Tiny details come in for critique, from how loudly you can say 'Ouch' if your child pulls your hair to whether it is acceptable to use the phrase 'Good job' as praise (lest your child becomes a 'praise junkie'). It can, say parents, create an unrelenting pressure to get every word choice precisely right. Advertisement On TikTok, gentle parents post videos of themselves negotiating public tantrums with grace and toddlers cheerfully cleaning up spilled snacks as instructed by tender-toned mothers. Many of these content creators have hundreds of thousands — even millions — of followers. . Image from Adobe Stock; Globe staff illustration 'You can scroll on your phone at any hour of night and see what you're supposed to be doing,' says parenting researcher Watching this trend, Davidson and her colleague 'There's tons of research about parents as vehicles for their children's well-being, but we were interested in parents in their own right,' Davidson says. As they compiled their data from interviews with 100 parents, But an unexpected theme also emerged: More than a third of the parents who described themselves as gentle also made unsolicited comments about their burnout and exhaustion. 'I'm hanging on for dear life,' wrote one. 'I confess I feel I have no idea what I'm doing much of the time,' reported another. And among those parents sharing such self-critiques, satisfaction and the sense of self-efficacy were markedly lower. Advertisement 'We weren't explicitly asking for stories of trial and tribulation and parenting woes,' Pezalla says. 'We did not anticipate this would touch a nerve for so many people.' Rachael Farber of Newton, mother to a 3-year-old boy and an infant girl, always intended to be a gentle parent. And she and her husband have incorporated many of the principles into their daily lives. They do their best to remain calm in the face of typical toddler provocations and, when their son is having big feelings, they try to talk him through the moment, rather than snapping or shushing. Along the way, though, she discovered that maintaining a constant veneer of peacefulness can be enormously draining. 'Emotionally, the more that you have to stay calm and be gentle,' Farber says, 'the less you have energy to do other things.' . Image from Adobe Stock; Globe staff illustration Sometimes sacrifices are made. Cara Leonardo of Needham, mother of two boys, had always planned to go back to work in finance after she had kids. Then she started developing a parenting style influenced by the principles of gentle parenting and other child-centric approaches. She soon realized that raising her kids according to these precepts is a job in itself, and decided to become a stay-at-home parent. 'It was too hard to be the mom I wanted to be and the employee I wanted to be,' she says. 'There's just not enough hours in the day.' The pressure and challenges are not the whole story: Gentle parenting can be a lot of work, but it can also be satisfying and even empowering, say some parents. The key is to let go of the 'gentle parenting' label — and all the rules social media places on it — and focus on the underlying principles, says Weston-based parenting coach Emily Barker. Advertisement 'Some people can get so caught up on the term, but it's just about teaching kids these valuable lifelong skills and how you should treat other people,' says Barker, who does not label her style 'gentle parenting' but does emphasize empathy and communication in her teachings. She suggests parents shift their perspective on moments that an online checklist might define as failure — a raised voice, a poorly chosen word — seeing them instead as opportunities for both parent and child to grow. Letting kids see you making — and owning up to — mistakes can model for them that no one is, or should be, perfect, she notes. 'Yelling is going to happen,' she says. 'It's about progress, not perfection.' .= Adobe Stock/Globe Staff Illustration Marta Melo, a Somerville mom of a 2-year-old, finds gratification in gentle parenting's recommendation to apologize to children when appropriate, a stark contrast to the 'because I said so' mind-set of previous parenting generations. Recently, working from home, dealing with a family COVID outbreak, and aggravated by her daughter's requests for attention, Melo pushed her chair back in frustration, frightening the toddler. After spending a few moments in the bathroom to regroup, Melo returned and told her daughter she was sorry for her reaction. 'I could see that I scared her,' she says. 'The biggest part for me is the idea of repairing what you've done.' Dr. Eliza Humphreys, a pediatrician and parenting coach based in Wenham, also doesn't use the term 'gentle parenting' for her work because it is often misunderstood, she says, but does embrace many of its core values. Much of her work is about giving clients a chance to understand the intergenerational patterns in their parenting. Working to change these patterns is a process that can make parents better at connecting with their children and, in the best cases, can also improve their own mental well-being. Natalie Bowers, 50, a client of Humphreys who also lives in Wenham, says the process of rooting out embedded parenting instincts and replacing them with kinder and more connected approaches has been transformative. As her twins, now 13, went through their tween years, Bowers found herself balancing between a desire to micromanage their lives and feeling rejected when they pushed back. So she has been learning to look beyond her children's behavior and determine the emotional needs driving it, rather than reacting instinctively to her own sense of hurt — a key component of gentle parenting philosophy. 'Honestly, it is an exercise in humility and loss of ego,' she says. 'It is quite possibly one of the hardest, most rewarding objectives I have undertaken in my life. Out of the love we have for our children, we are given the opportunity to be our best selves.' As for Fetzer, she's still not immune to waves of guilt when she struggles to get her kids to bed, only to see an influencer gentle parent their way to a peacefully sleeping child. 'In the script, your child is like, 'That makes a lot of sense.' But my kids, they just never really went along with the script.' And sometimes she just needs to get out the door without interrogating the emotional ramifications of wearing mittens. But she has found herself a middle ground approach to child-rearing that is informed by the gentle parenting principles she first learned about years ago, yet accommodates her real life as a mother of three. 'Social media makes it really hard sometimes,' Fetzer says, 'but I definitely feel at peace with what we have picked for our family that works.' Sarah Shemkus is a frequent contributor to the Globe Magazine. Send comments to magazine@
