Latest news with #TheOnion
The Onion
3 days ago
- Health
- The Onion
Hair Loss: Myth Vs. Fact
An estimated 80 million Americans suffer from hair loss, including thinning and male pattern baldness. The Onion examines the myths and facts surrounding hair loss. MYTH: Genetics are the main cause of hair loss. FACT: Hair loss is most commonly caused by standing too close to an open flame. MYTH: Hair loss is permanent. FACT: For six easy payments of $1,200, nothing is permanent. MYTH: Baldness is caused by too much testosterone. FACT: Baldness is caused by too little hair. MYTH: If your mom's father is bald, you'll be bald. FACT: If your mom's father ignores the feeble witch on the side of the road, you'll be bald. MYTH: Too much sun can lead to hair loss. FACT: Hair needs soil, water, and sunlight to grow. MYTH: Women aren't attracted to bald men. FACT: Every woman you've ever met is sexually aroused by Stanley Tucci.
The Onion
4 days ago
- Politics
- The Onion
Timeline Of Trump's Battle With Harvard
President Donald Trump has frozen more than $3 billion in grants and contracts as his feud with Harvard University continues to escalate. The Onion shares a timeline of the dispute's key dates so far. January 29: Trump administration accuses the Harvard Law Review of promoting violent pro-law rhetoric. February 3: The Justice Department announces the creation of the multiagency Task Force to Own the Libs. February 19: Trump's negative view of Harvard cemented after watching the Good Will Hunting barroom scene on Paramount+. March 6: Trump signs an executive order declaring that the president can't be accused of antisemitism. April 3: Harvard pressured to increase diversity of viewpoints by hiring more professors with successful AM talk radio shows April 14: Harvard pointedly rejects the Trump administration's demands by sending his messenger back to the White House decapitated and strapped to their horse. May 2: Harvard asserts there is 'no legal basis' for taking away its tax-exempt status, making it a near certainty that Trump will do so. May 15–17: Brief respite as Trump forgets any of this happening. May 28: Trump demands a list of all international students' names, countries, and skull measurements. September 1, 2027: Trump awarded honorary degree in exchange for releasing Harvard president from Oval Office bird cage.
The Onion
23-05-2025
- Entertainment
- The Onion
What To Know About ‘Mission: Impossible—The Final Reckoning'
Mission: Impossible—The Final Reckoning , the eighth installment in the series, is expected to be another box-office smash. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the film. Q: Who is directing? A: Christopher McQuarrie with a gun pointed at his head by Tom Cruise. Q: What stunts does Tom Cruise pull off in this one? A: He manages to deliver several monologues about a computer villain called 'the Entity' while maintaining a straight face. Q: Isn't Tom Cruise a Scientologist? A: No. He's Impossible Missions Force agent Ethan Hunt. Q: Who is the movie for? A. The Final Reckoning is great for everyone, whether you're a male age 18 to 24 or a male age 25 to 40. Q: What's the mission this time? A: To make $800 million at the box office. Q: Why did the film have such a high budget? A: McQuarrie insisted on using real innocent victims for each explosion. Q: Is Clark Gable in it? A: No, Clark Gable unfortunately continues to be dead. Q: What new vehicle have they decided to stage an elaborate chase sequence with? A: Let's just say that if fans aren't ready for a recumbent bicycle, then they better get ready. Q: Should I ask Sara if she wants to go see it with me? A: Yes. She might say no, but the pain of rejection will be nothing compared to the pain of not knowing. Q: Is this the last Mission: Impossible film? A: It's the last one with non-CGI Tom Cruise. Q: What's Tom Cruise's next project? A: Based on probability, dying in a helicopter crash.
The Advertiser
22-05-2025
- Entertainment
- The Advertiser
Scorn in the USA: There's no question who is the real boss here
It must actually crush Donald Trump to discover he isn't cool. No one thinks he is cool. No one. Why do people hang around him? It's what Lin-Manuel Miranda (via Aaron Burr in Hamilton) describes as "proximity to power". In other words, it's his job which makes him attractive. Sure, Conor McGregor backs him, but can former MMA man sing? I hope not. You'd nearly feel sorry for Trump except he is so utterly awful that not even me, a kindly yet still cool grandmother of four, has the tiniest shred of sympathy for him. How do we know he is crushed? His giant tantrum over Bruce Springsteen, Beyonce, Taylor Swift, Bono and every other extraordinary celebrity whose endorsement he'd love to have. Ohmigod, have you ever seen Springsteen live? There I was in the Hunter Valley, about a decade ago, with thousands of other fans, aged from about five to 100 (or close). The Boss performs a tribute show to himself, singing all the hits all the time, inviting folks up on to the stage, kids with placards, everyone singing for hours, hoarse, dancing sweaty, exhausted and happy. You might not love his music but he is generous with his time, his energy and his voice. Not bad for an old bloke. Actually, excellent for an old bloke. You could not fault him as a performer. Getting yourself adjacent to that would be wild (sadly, I was too shy to get up on the stage). Politicians constantly want to cosy up to stars, hoping and praying some of the vibe will rub off. In Trump's case, that's extremely unlikely. The Onion, that most reputable and glorious of publications, revealed earlier this month that the estate of the bloke who wrote the words to The Star-Spangled Banner, was having big thoughts and feelings about Trump's use of the anthem. That is, if an estate can have big thoughts and feelings. During Trump's first campaign, he used various Springsteen songs at his rallies. At that time, Trump was pretending to identify with the marginalised, the disempowered, the poor. Springsteen wasn't falling for that crap. He knew. And he let Trump knew he knew. He told the BBC: "These are folks who feel that Donald Trump has been listening to them and speaks for them on some level. I think he's a conman, and they're getting played." Springsteen never sued. Instead, he kept speaking out against Trump. Later that year, he told Rolling Stone: "The republic is under siege by a moron, basically," he said. "The whole thing is tragic. Without overstating it, it's a tragedy for our democracy ... The ideas he's moving to the mainstream are all very dangerous ideas - white nationalism and the alt-right movement." During last year's campaign, it got a lot wilder. Springsteen said: "Donald Trump is running to be an American tyrant." Never a truer word spoken. Anyhow, a few days ago, Springsteen, touring the UK, let the apprentice have it. "In my home, the America I love, the America I've written about, and has been a beacon of hope and liberty for 250 years, is currently in the hands of a corrupt, incompetent, and treasonous administration ... tonight, we ask all who believe in democracy and the best of our American experience to rise with us, raise your voices against the authoritarianism, and let freedom ring." So I asked Australian professor of history and popular culture expert Michelle Arrow from Macquarie University if celebrities ever backed conservative politicians? She reminds me that the Godfather of Soul James Brown backed Richard Nixon, a racist and a crook. There is, she says, also the odd country music star who leans right. But most musicians fashion themselves as anti-establishment. "There's an association of rock music with broadly progressive politics ... and I suspect that if you're a musician and you really did have conservative views, you might not be quite so open about it." So let me tell you more about the Trump tanty. When he heard Springsteen's comments from the pulpit in Manchester, the US president wrote on Lies Social: "Springsteen is 'dumb as a rock,' and couldn't see what was going on, or could he (which is even worse!)? This dried out 'prune' of a rocker (his skin is all atrophied!) ought to KEEP HIS MOUTH SHUT until he gets back into the Country, that's just 'standard fare'. Then we'll all see how it goes for him!" That's a combination of deranged threats, incoherent gibberish and caps lock. Never a good sign when Trump engages CAPS LOCK. You know what it's like when your enemy keeps you awake at night? There was poor old Donny, at 1.34am Monday, posting more threats. He said he would call for a "major investigation" of celebrities who endorsed Kamala Harris, to see if they were paid to do that. "Isn't that a major and illegal campaign contribution? ... And how much went to Oprah, and Bono???" "IT'S NOT LEGAL! For these unpatriotic 'entertainers,' this was just a CORRUPT & UNLAWFUL way to capitalize on a broken system." READ MORE: On Monday morning, he said, without a shred of evidence, that Queen Bey was paid $11 million to walk on stage and endorse Harris without performing. "This is an illegal election scam at the highest level! It is an illegal campaign contribution! Bruce Springsteen, Oprah, Bono and, perhaps, many others, have a lot of explaining to do!!!" As we've discovered, Trump's first term was about pretending to be the good guy. His second term is about dismantling justice, safety nets, small swinging dicks and undoing global co-operation. It's also, loathsome turnip that Trump is, about getting rich quick. But Arrow of Macquarie University reminds me that Trump's second coming is about one other thing: revenge. "He's really just out for vengeance in whatever way he. Trump sees himself as more of a celebrity than a president and so the idea that someone else has a sphere of power that he can't really access or touch, that burns. Particularly Swift is so influential around younger women and that was a demographic that did not vote for Trump." And may there be many more demographics just like that. That is, if Americans ever get to vote again. It must actually crush Donald Trump to discover he isn't cool. No one thinks he is cool. No one. Why do people hang around him? It's what Lin-Manuel Miranda (via Aaron Burr in Hamilton) describes as "proximity to power". In other words, it's his job which makes him attractive. Sure, Conor McGregor backs him, but can former MMA man sing? I hope not. You'd nearly feel sorry for Trump except he is so utterly awful that not even me, a kindly yet still cool grandmother of four, has the tiniest shred of sympathy for him. How do we know he is crushed? His giant tantrum over Bruce Springsteen, Beyonce, Taylor Swift, Bono and every other extraordinary celebrity whose endorsement he'd love to have. Ohmigod, have you ever seen Springsteen live? There I was in the Hunter Valley, about a decade ago, with thousands of other fans, aged from about five to 100 (or close). The Boss performs a tribute show to himself, singing all the hits all the time, inviting folks up on to the stage, kids with placards, everyone singing for hours, hoarse, dancing sweaty, exhausted and happy. You might not love his music but he is generous with his time, his energy and his voice. Not bad for an old bloke. Actually, excellent for an old bloke. You could not fault him as a performer. Getting yourself adjacent to that would be wild (sadly, I was too shy to get up on the stage). Politicians constantly want to cosy up to stars, hoping and praying some of the vibe will rub off. In Trump's case, that's extremely unlikely. The Onion, that most reputable and glorious of publications, revealed earlier this month that the estate of the bloke who wrote the words to The Star-Spangled Banner, was having big thoughts and feelings about Trump's use of the anthem. That is, if an estate can have big thoughts and feelings. During Trump's first campaign, he used various Springsteen songs at his rallies. At that time, Trump was pretending to identify with the marginalised, the disempowered, the poor. Springsteen wasn't falling for that crap. He knew. And he let Trump knew he knew. He told the BBC: "These are folks who feel that Donald Trump has been listening to them and speaks for them on some level. I think he's a conman, and they're getting played." Springsteen never sued. Instead, he kept speaking out against Trump. Later that year, he told Rolling Stone: "The republic is under siege by a moron, basically," he said. "The whole thing is tragic. Without overstating it, it's a tragedy for our democracy ... The ideas he's moving to the mainstream are all very dangerous ideas - white nationalism and the alt-right movement." During last year's campaign, it got a lot wilder. Springsteen said: "Donald Trump is running to be an American tyrant." Never a truer word spoken. Anyhow, a few days ago, Springsteen, touring the UK, let the apprentice have it. "In my home, the America I love, the America I've written about, and has been a beacon of hope and liberty for 250 years, is currently in the hands of a corrupt, incompetent, and treasonous administration ... tonight, we ask all who believe in democracy and the best of our American experience to rise with us, raise your voices against the authoritarianism, and let freedom ring." So I asked Australian professor of history and popular culture expert Michelle Arrow from Macquarie University if celebrities ever backed conservative politicians? She reminds me that the Godfather of Soul James Brown backed Richard Nixon, a racist and a crook. There is, she says, also the odd country music star who leans right. But most musicians fashion themselves as anti-establishment. "There's an association of rock music with broadly progressive politics ... and I suspect that if you're a musician and you really did have conservative views, you might not be quite so open about it." So let me tell you more about the Trump tanty. When he heard Springsteen's comments from the pulpit in Manchester, the US president wrote on Lies Social: "Springsteen is 'dumb as a rock,' and couldn't see what was going on, or could he (which is even worse!)? This dried out 'prune' of a rocker (his skin is all atrophied!) ought to KEEP HIS MOUTH SHUT until he gets back into the Country, that's just 'standard fare'. Then we'll all see how it goes for him!" That's a combination of deranged threats, incoherent gibberish and caps lock. Never a good sign when Trump engages CAPS LOCK. You know what it's like when your enemy keeps you awake at night? There was poor old Donny, at 1.34am Monday, posting more threats. He said he would call for a "major investigation" of celebrities who endorsed Kamala Harris, to see if they were paid to do that. "Isn't that a major and illegal campaign contribution? ... And how much went to Oprah, and Bono???" "IT'S NOT LEGAL! For these unpatriotic 'entertainers,' this was just a CORRUPT & UNLAWFUL way to capitalize on a broken system." READ MORE: On Monday morning, he said, without a shred of evidence, that Queen Bey was paid $11 million to walk on stage and endorse Harris without performing. "This is an illegal election scam at the highest level! It is an illegal campaign contribution! Bruce Springsteen, Oprah, Bono and, perhaps, many others, have a lot of explaining to do!!!" As we've discovered, Trump's first term was about pretending to be the good guy. His second term is about dismantling justice, safety nets, small swinging dicks and undoing global co-operation. It's also, loathsome turnip that Trump is, about getting rich quick. But Arrow of Macquarie University reminds me that Trump's second coming is about one other thing: revenge. "He's really just out for vengeance in whatever way he. Trump sees himself as more of a celebrity than a president and so the idea that someone else has a sphere of power that he can't really access or touch, that burns. Particularly Swift is so influential around younger women and that was a demographic that did not vote for Trump." And may there be many more demographics just like that. That is, if Americans ever get to vote again. It must actually crush Donald Trump to discover he isn't cool. No one thinks he is cool. No one. Why do people hang around him? It's what Lin-Manuel Miranda (via Aaron Burr in Hamilton) describes as "proximity to power". In other words, it's his job which makes him attractive. Sure, Conor McGregor backs him, but can former MMA man sing? I hope not. You'd nearly feel sorry for Trump except he is so utterly awful that not even me, a kindly yet still cool grandmother of four, has the tiniest shred of sympathy for him. How do we know he is crushed? His giant tantrum over Bruce Springsteen, Beyonce, Taylor Swift, Bono and every other extraordinary celebrity whose endorsement he'd love to have. Ohmigod, have you ever seen Springsteen live? There I was in the Hunter Valley, about a decade ago, with thousands of other fans, aged from about five to 100 (or close). The Boss performs a tribute show to himself, singing all the hits all the time, inviting folks up on to the stage, kids with placards, everyone singing for hours, hoarse, dancing sweaty, exhausted and happy. You might not love his music but he is generous with his time, his energy and his voice. Not bad for an old bloke. Actually, excellent for an old bloke. You could not fault him as a performer. Getting yourself adjacent to that would be wild (sadly, I was too shy to get up on the stage). Politicians constantly want to cosy up to stars, hoping and praying some of the vibe will rub off. In Trump's case, that's extremely unlikely. The Onion, that most reputable and glorious of publications, revealed earlier this month that the estate of the bloke who wrote the words to The Star-Spangled Banner, was having big thoughts and feelings about Trump's use of the anthem. That is, if an estate can have big thoughts and feelings. During Trump's first campaign, he used various Springsteen songs at his rallies. At that time, Trump was pretending to identify with the marginalised, the disempowered, the poor. Springsteen wasn't falling for that crap. He knew. And he let Trump knew he knew. He told the BBC: "These are folks who feel that Donald Trump has been listening to them and speaks for them on some level. I think he's a conman, and they're getting played." Springsteen never sued. Instead, he kept speaking out against Trump. Later that year, he told Rolling Stone: "The republic is under siege by a moron, basically," he said. "The whole thing is tragic. Without overstating it, it's a tragedy for our democracy ... The ideas he's moving to the mainstream are all very dangerous ideas - white nationalism and the alt-right movement." During last year's campaign, it got a lot wilder. Springsteen said: "Donald Trump is running to be an American tyrant." Never a truer word spoken. Anyhow, a few days ago, Springsteen, touring the UK, let the apprentice have it. "In my home, the America I love, the America I've written about, and has been a beacon of hope and liberty for 250 years, is currently in the hands of a corrupt, incompetent, and treasonous administration ... tonight, we ask all who believe in democracy and the best of our American experience to rise with us, raise your voices against the authoritarianism, and let freedom ring." So I asked Australian professor of history and popular culture expert Michelle Arrow from Macquarie University if celebrities ever backed conservative politicians? She reminds me that the Godfather of Soul James Brown backed Richard Nixon, a racist and a crook. There is, she says, also the odd country music star who leans right. But most musicians fashion themselves as anti-establishment. "There's an association of rock music with broadly progressive politics ... and I suspect that if you're a musician and you really did have conservative views, you might not be quite so open about it." So let me tell you more about the Trump tanty. When he heard Springsteen's comments from the pulpit in Manchester, the US president wrote on Lies Social: "Springsteen is 'dumb as a rock,' and couldn't see what was going on, or could he (which is even worse!)? This dried out 'prune' of a rocker (his skin is all atrophied!) ought to KEEP HIS MOUTH SHUT until he gets back into the Country, that's just 'standard fare'. Then we'll all see how it goes for him!" That's a combination of deranged threats, incoherent gibberish and caps lock. Never a good sign when Trump engages CAPS LOCK. You know what it's like when your enemy keeps you awake at night? There was poor old Donny, at 1.34am Monday, posting more threats. He said he would call for a "major investigation" of celebrities who endorsed Kamala Harris, to see if they were paid to do that. "Isn't that a major and illegal campaign contribution? ... And how much went to Oprah, and Bono???" "IT'S NOT LEGAL! For these unpatriotic 'entertainers,' this was just a CORRUPT & UNLAWFUL way to capitalize on a broken system." READ MORE: On Monday morning, he said, without a shred of evidence, that Queen Bey was paid $11 million to walk on stage and endorse Harris without performing. "This is an illegal election scam at the highest level! It is an illegal campaign contribution! Bruce Springsteen, Oprah, Bono and, perhaps, many others, have a lot of explaining to do!!!" As we've discovered, Trump's first term was about pretending to be the good guy. His second term is about dismantling justice, safety nets, small swinging dicks and undoing global co-operation. It's also, loathsome turnip that Trump is, about getting rich quick. But Arrow of Macquarie University reminds me that Trump's second coming is about one other thing: revenge. "He's really just out for vengeance in whatever way he. Trump sees himself as more of a celebrity than a president and so the idea that someone else has a sphere of power that he can't really access or touch, that burns. Particularly Swift is so influential around younger women and that was a demographic that did not vote for Trump." And may there be many more demographics just like that. That is, if Americans ever get to vote again.
The Onion
22-05-2025
- Entertainment
- The Onion
The Onion's Exclusive Interview With Ms. Rachel
Rachel Accurso, better known as Ms. Rachel, is a popular YouTuber who creates videos for toddlers. The Onion sat down with Ms. Rachel to discuss education, social media, and the backlash to her public support for the children of Gaza. The Onion : Why did you create your show Songs For Littles ? Ms. Rachel: I figured if that dipshit Blippi could make it big, anyone could. The Onion : What song do children love most? Ms. Rachel: 'Toxicity' by System of a Down. The Onion : What inspired you to speak out about Gaza? Ms. Rachel: While I've enjoyed a great deal of success, my real dream has always been getting called an 'antisemitic cunt' online. The Onion : What's the biggest advantage of creating content for babies? Ms. Rachel: They can't leave death threats in the comments. The Onion : Any fun stories from the set? Ms. Rachel: One day, no matter how many times I tried, I just couldn't count to four correctly. Turns out, I was having a stroke. The Onion : What do you say to children who recognize you in public? Ms. Rachel: Don't touch the overalls. The Onion : What do you say to your critics? Ms. Rachel: Good luck potty training your child without me.
