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Yahoo
6 days ago
- General
- Yahoo
The 'Conditioning Behavior' Psychologists Are Warning Parents and Grandparents About
The 'Conditioning Behavior' Psychologists Are Warning Parents and Grandparents About originally appeared on Parade. Let's be real: Raising kids is no easy feat, for many reasons. Parents, grandparents and caregivers may have to navigate all that entails while also working a full-time job (or two). Parenting advice is all over the place and can contradict itself. Kids' brains aren't fully developed yet, so they may behave in ways that you don't understand or that try your that said, there's a common way many parents and grandparents respond—whether they mean to or not—and it's called 'intermittent reinforcement.' While it's super tempting, this strategy may cause long-term problems for your child and your relationship. Read on for psychologists' concerns and Essentially, intermittent reinforcement is when positive behavior is only 'rewarded' sometimes. This means the person who engaged in the behavior doesn't know if they'll be rewarded that time or not. The thinking behind using this is that the child will want the reward, but if they don't get it one time, they'll continue the 'positive' behavior in hopes of getting it next intermittent reinforcement can be a tactic to elicit desired behavior. For example, a parent might give their child $5 when they get As and Bs on their report card, but only for some of those good report reinforcement can also be a more unintentional response to a child's feelings and words. Dr. Amelia Kelley, PhD, a trauma-informed therapist, researcher, author and podcast host of The Sensitivity Doctor, explains. 'Intermittent reinforcement with kids shows up when a parent or caregiver responds inconsistently—sometimes warm and attentive, other times withdrawn or reactive,' she says. 'A child might cry and get comfort one day, and be ignored or punished the next.'She uses the analogy of a slot machine, where a person keeps putting money in—even though the outcome is uncertain, and even knowing they may lose the money—because the hope is so strong, it overrides As mentioned, intermittent reinforcement isn't necessarily helpful, but it is understandable, and not always fully conscious.'Many adults don't realize they're reinforcing behavior inconsistently; they think occasional rewards won't matter,' says Dr. Harry Cohen, PhD, a psychologist and the author of Be the Sun, Not the Salt. Ahead, he and Dr. Kelley share why caregivers might use it. Super relatable first example here: 'Caregivers may give in occasionally to stop a tantrum or get some peace, especially when they're tired or overwhelmed,' Dr. Cohen The Genius Trick for Easier Mornings With Kids: 'It Changes Everything'For example, they may finally say 'yes' to a child asking for a toy at Target because they want the child to stop screaming. Dr. Kelley adds that they may feel overwhelmed, exhausted or emotionally unavailable; they may also have trauma or a lack of emotion regulation tools. That can contribute to a lesser response to a child or 'giving in' too. No shame here. Dr. Cohen says this urge is particularly common in grandparents, who 'might feel compelled to 'spoil' grandkids occasionally, especially if they don't see them that often.' In this case, the use of intermittent reinforcement is more intentional. 'Grandparents might think they're teaching resilience by withholding comfort,' Dr. Kelley says. 'But what's actually being taught is that love is earned, not given, and that creates confusion around what a healthy connection even looks like.'Related: 16 Things Every Kid Needs To Learn From Their Parents and Grandparents, Child Psychologists Say Remember the example of buying a child a toy at Target to quiet them? While effective in the short term, this kind of intermittent reinforcement can encourage the 'wrong' behavior long-term.'Behaviors reinforced intermittently can become even more persistent and resistant to change,' Dr. Cohen says. 'Kids may act out more often, hoping that 'this time,' the reward will come.'Related: Controversial 'Commando Parenting' Is Trending—Here's What Psychologists Have To Say About Its Impact on Children When kids become teens and young adults, they may be more likely to find themselves in relationships that have equal or worse consequences. 'Over time, this can form a relational blueprint that leads them to seek out future relationships that feel emotionally similar—ones where love and inconsistency go hand in hand,' Dr. Kelley says. A serious example of this is dating someone they trauma bond with. 'Trauma bonding' is when someone unintentionally forms a strong attachment to a person—usually, an abusive person—who causes major highs and lows as a manipulation tactic. Essentially, they wait 'for the repair that doesn't come, believing that if they just try harder, they'll finally be enough,' Dr. Kelley explains. 'And that's a setup for pain.' As you may have seen, kids need reliability and structure, which isn't what intermittent reinforcement provides. 'Inconsistent responses from adults can lead to confusion about expectations and appropriate behavior,' Dr. Cohen explains. If you've ever heard 'But you bought me a toy last time!', he says, you know what we're talking about the case of withholding love (whether intentionally or unintentionally), it can cause a child to have poor self-esteem. When kids worry that their emotions will be met with disdain, they may hold them in, which leaves them feeling less safe and secure. 'It deeply impacts attachment,' Dr. Kelley says. 'They begin to monitor the moods of the adults around them, unsure of what to expect, and adjust their behavior to try and stay connected—often at the cost of their own emotional needs.'Related: Dr. Cohen advises responding the same way every time. This is especially important, he continues, when you're trying to teach something new. For example, giving a child a sticker every time they use the toilet when you're potty-training them, or praising a child every time they speak politely. 'Consistency helps children learn clear cause-and-effect connections,' he also encourages sticking to the limits you set, explaining, 'This builds trust and teaches them emotional self-regulation."At the same time, keep in mind that you won't be 'perfect' at this (no parent is!) and that's okay. When you feel overwhelmed, for example, make sure the child still knows they're safe. 'Saying something like 'I'm having a hard time, but I'm still here with you' helps separate your emotional state from their worth,' Dr. Kelley When you snap, ignore your child or shut down, come back to it. Dr. Kelley encourages saying something like, 'That wasn't okay. You didn't deserve that.' 'That kind of repair helps build resilience, not confusion,' she explains. 'It teaches kids that relationships can survive conflict and that their feelings matter enough to be acknowledged.' Up Next: Dr. Amelia Kelley, PhD, trauma-informed therapist, researcher, author and podcaster Dr. Harry Cohen, PhD, psychologist and author The 'Conditioning Behavior' Psychologists Are Warning Parents and Grandparents About first appeared on Parade on Jun 2, 2025 This story was originally reported by Parade on Jun 2, 2025, where it first appeared.
Yahoo
09-04-2025
- Lifestyle
- Yahoo
Is this going to be your most productive month? April theory, explained.
Well, it was going to be a "new year, new you." Then it was one thing after another getting in the way of your goals, and now we're well into 2025 without you making so much as a dent in all those resolutions you set back in January. But hey, it's OK. There's still plenty of time to get back on track. In fact, according to TikTok theories affirmed by psychologists, January may not necessarily be the best (or at least, the only) time to get goals off the ground. Do you have a better shot at sticking to things in April? Or October? Or any random Monday of your choosing? Here's what to know about other supposedly productive periods — and what experts make of them. The April theory is something that's been circulating on TikTok, and it's the idea that April, rather than January, is more auspicious for new beginnings. Some therapists see its merit. 'April can be a practical time to start goals, as spring symbolizes growth and renewal,' Crystal Saidi, a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks in Irvine, Calif., specializing in coping skills, anxiety and depression, tells Yahoo Life. 'Many people may also feel a natural boost in energy and motivation as the weather improves and the sun is shining for longer.' If dreary January weather put a damper on your goal of, say, going for a run in the mornings, April's longer, warmer days might offer more motivation. There might even be some science behind it: 'Our circadian rhythm, which aligns with sunlight, naturally begins to shift during this time of year, increasing our motivation and energy levels,' Amelia Kelley, a trauma-informed therapist, author and co-host of The Sensitivity Doctor podcast, tells Yahoo Life. 'Winter, by contrast, is often seen as a dormant season, a time to slow down, reflect and pause." If you don't want to wait until next January to roll out some new resolutions, start in the fall. According to the TikTok-approved October theory, October is prime time for assessing the past year and getting a head start on next year's goals. Kelley says this theory aligns with what she and her clients work on in sessions. 'I do not want people to wait until January to make changes; instead, we work on reflecting and getting them set up for the best start to the year possible before it happens,' she says. This is especially important before the holidays, which can be filled with stress, temptations and pressure. Saidi agrees with the process of thinking back and moving forward. 'October can be a good time to set new goals since fall is often a period of transition and reflection,' she says. She adds: 'I think it can be helpful to use October as somewhat of a testing phase for your goals. Try to focus on minor changes you can make and then aim to solidify these habits by the new year so you have already built momentum.' For example, if you plan to start the year with Dry January, you might experiment with drinking less (say, only on weekends) beginning in the fall. This theory is a bit more obvious and research-backed. Essentially, 'Monday theory' says that people are more likely to maintain goals started on that day. It's the start of a new workweek and an opportunity to set a positive tone. 'Monday is often seen as the best day to start goals because it feels like a built-in 'fresh start,'' Kelley explains. 'Psychologically, we're drawn to moments that symbolize new beginnings.' She says that the 'fresh start effect' gives hope and motivation. Then, after people do the thing they set out to do, their brain releases dopamine, the neurotransmitter related to motivation and reward. In turn, dopamine supplies the energy, confidence and drive to tackle goals. The Monday theory, Saidi adds, "offers a structured point for beginning new routines or habits." At the same time, she wants people to not put too much pressure on themselves. That can present as 'all-or-nothing thinking,' an unhelpful thought pattern in which situations can only be black or white, good or bad. Not every Monday is going to go smoothly, after all. 'If you tie too much significance to Monday, you may feel defeated or demotivated if you do not succeed, and delay restarting until next Monday,' Saidi says. In reality, trying again on Tuesday is probably just as good. While resetting on a Monday or the first of the month may feel more natural, you can do it any time. Here's what our psychologists recommend for sticking to goals. Messing up doesn't mean you 'failed"; rather, you learned something that can help in the future. 'Resolutions and goals are about progress, not perfection,' Saidi says. She encourages identifying what didn't work for you and why, saying this can bring inspiration rather than shame. Kelley mentions the biological need to rest, saying that rest is productive. Rest helps people think, innovate and be more productive and effective. Being mean to yourself will only make you feel worse. Instead, practice self-compassion. One way to do this, Saidi says, is to remind yourself that falling short is just a part of the journey. A friend, a family member, a teammate, a counselor — tell someone your goal. 'When you know someone else is aware of your goals, you are more likely to follow through,' Saidi says. The only note of caution she shares is considering how that person will respond. 'Make sure you choose partners or systems that are supportive and uplift you, rather than criticize or pressure you,' she points out. Journals, apps and trackers can also serve as forms of accountability, she adds. Big, intimidating goals can be, well, big and intimidating. You may feel hopeless or inadequate; you may lose inspiration and drive. Saidi recommends listing more realistic, actionable steps and going one by one. 'Instead of focusing on the end result, focus on what you can do each day, week or month at a time,' she says. Further, Kelley suggests making quarterly goals and providing multiple 'fresh-start' opportunities for yourself. These tips align with the research-backed concept of 'SMART' goals, or goals that are specific, measurable, attainable, realistic and time-sensitive. A checklist can help you track progress, too, Saidi says, in which it's important to celebrate your small wins for a confidence and mood boost. Celebrating your wins can also help you 'stick it out' and feel positively about yourself, Kelley adds. What's the why behind your goal? Don't lose sight of that. Take time to reflect on why that goal matters, Saidi says, and journal about how achieving it will help you. For example, you might remind yourself that you want to curb your spending because you value minimalism or because you're saving for a much-needed vacation with friends. Kelley adds that being misaligned with your goals can force you to 'work uphill,' making 'restarts' more difficult.
Yahoo
31-01-2025
- Health
- Yahoo
April theory. October theory. Monday theory. Productivity and goal-setting aren't just for 'new year, new you.'
Well, it was going to be a "new year, new you." Then it was one thing after another getting in the way of your goals, and now January is coming to an end without you making so much as a dent in all those resolutions you set at the start of the month. But hey, It's OK, there's still plenty of time to get back on track. In fact, according to TikTok theories affirmed by psychologists, January may not necessarily be the best (or at least only) time to get goals off the ground. Do you have a better shot at sticking to things if you wait until April? Or October? Or any random Monday of your choosing? Here's what to know about other supposedly productive periods — and what experts make of them. The April theory is something that's been circulating on TikTok, and it's the idea that April, rather than January, is more auspicious for new beginnings. Some therapists see its merit. See for yourself — The Yodel is the go-to source for daily news, entertainment and feel-good stories. By signing up, you agree to our Terms and Privacy Policy. 'April can be a practical time to start goals, as spring symbolizes growth and renewal,' Crystal Saidi, a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks in Irvine, Calif., specializing in coping skills, anxiety and depression, tells Yahoo Life. 'Many people may also feel a natural boost in energy and motivation as the weather improves and the sun is shining for longer.' If dreary January weather put a damper on your goal of, say, going for a run in the mornings, April's longer, warmer days might offer more motivation. There might even be some science behind it: 'Our circadian rhythm, which aligns with sunlight, naturally begins to shift during this time of year, increasing our motivation and energy levels,' Amelia Kelley, a trauma-informed therapist, author and co-host of The Sensitivity Doctor podcast, tells Yahoo Life. 'Winter, by contrast, is often seen as a dormant season, a time to slow down, reflect and pause." If you don't want to wait until next January to roll out some new resolutions, start in the fall. According to the TikTok-approved October theory, October is prime time for assessing the past year and getting a head start on next year's goals. Kelley says this theory aligns with what she and her clients work on in sessions. 'I do not want people to wait until January to make changes; instead, we work on reflecting and getting them set up for the best start to the year possible before it happens,' she says. This is especially important before the holidays, which can be filled with stress, temptations and pressure. Saidi agrees with the process of thinking back and moving forward. 'October can be a good time to set new goals since fall is often a period of transition and reflection,' she says. She adds: 'I think it can be helpful to use October as somewhat of a testing phase for your goals. Try to focus on minor changes you can make and then aim to solidify these habits by the new year so you have already built momentum.' For example, if you plan to start the year with Dry January, you might experiment with drinking less (say, only on weekends) beginning in the fall. This theory is a bit more obvious and research-backed. Essentially, 'Monday theory' says that people are more likely to maintain goals started on that day. It's the start of a new workweek and an opportunity to set a positive tone. 'Monday is often seen as the best day to start goals because it feels like a built-in 'fresh start,'' Kelley explains. 'Psychologically, we're drawn to moments that symbolize new beginnings.' She says that the 'fresh start effect' gives hope and motivation. Then, after people do the thing they set out to do, their brain releases dopamine, the neurotransmitter related to motivation and reward. In turn, dopamine supplies the energy, confidence and drive to tackle goals. The Monday theory, Saidi adds, "offers a structured point for beginning new routines or habits." At the same time, she wants people to not put too much pressure on themselves. That can present as 'all-or-nothing thinking,' an unhelpful thought pattern in which situations can only be black or white, good or bad. Not every Monday is going to go smoothly, after all. 'If you tie too much significance to Monday, you may feel defeated or demotivated if you do not succeed, and delay restarting until next Monday,' Saidi says. In reality, trying again on Tuesday is probably just as good. While resetting on a Monday or the first of the month may feel more natural, you can do it any time. Here's what our psychologists recommend for sticking to goals. Messing up doesn't mean you 'failed"; rather, you learned something that can help in the future. 'Resolutions and goals are about progress, not perfection,' Saidi says. She encourages identifying what didn't work for you and why, saying this can bring inspiration rather than shame. Kelley mentions the biological need to rest, saying that rest is productive. Rest helps people think, innovate and be more productive and effective. Being mean to yourself will only make you feel worse. Instead, practice self-compassion. One way to do this, Saidi says, is to remind yourself that falling short is just a part of the journey. A friend, a family member, a teammate, a counselor — tell someone your goal. 'When you know someone else is aware of your goals, you are more likely to follow through,' Saidi says. The only note of caution she shares is considering how that person will respond. 'Make sure you choose partners or systems that are supportive and uplift you, rather than criticize or pressure you,' she points out. Journals, apps and trackers can also serve as forms of accountability, she adds. Big, intimidating goals can be, well, big and intimidating. You may feel hopeless or inadequate; you may lose inspiration and drive. Saidi recommends listing more realistic, actionable steps and going one by one. 'Instead of focusing on the end result, focus on what you can do each day, week or month at a time,' she says. Further, Kelley suggests making quarterly goals and providing multiple 'fresh-start' opportunities for yourself. These tips align with the research-backed concept of 'SMART' goals, or goals that are specific, measurable, attainable, realistic and time-sensitive. A checklist can help you track progress, too, Saidi says, in which it's important to celebrate your small wins for a confidence and mood boost. Celebrating your wins can also help you 'stick it out' and feel positively about yourself, Kelley adds. What's the why behind your goal? Don't lose sight of that. Take time to reflect on why that goal matters, Saidi says, and journal about how achieving it will help you. For example, you might remind yourself that you want to curb your spending because you value minimalism or because you're saving for a much-needed vacation with friends. Kelley adds that being misaligned with your goals can force you to 'work uphill,' making 'restarts' more difficult.
