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Boston Globe

Here's some advice: Never ask someone who's leaving their job ‘What's next?'

Aw, thanks! I say with a blush. Per your question: One waits eternally. 'Don't ask people what they're doing next' is one of the odd, small bits of wisdom I've picked up from doing this. Don't ask students what their post-graduate plans are, don't ask newlyweds if they plan to have kids, don't ask new authors what their next book is going to be about. It's such a natural thing to want to do — I've done it! — and the intentions behind it are good, but no. 'What's next' might be a stressful or exhausting thing to contemplate, or perhaps it is, as yet, uncontemplated. In a city as achievement-oriented as Boston, in particular, it conveys a sense that one always has to be in motion, on the way to scale new heights, that today's accomplishments are never enough. If people who have accomplished A Big Thing have a shiny new Next Thing on their horizon, they'll tell you. You won't have to ask. (Here's mine: I wrote a modern-day stage adaptation of H.G. Wells's science fiction/horror classic The Island of Dr. Moreau, and Somerville's Theatre@First will be producing it this March! It's my first play and I'm delirious with excitement. I'm also continuing in my job as a research associate at Harvard Business School, and yes — while not as active as I should be, I am present on LinkedIn.) Now let's get to this retirement/job-quitting business specifically. Based on my recent experience, I think the best thing to say in response to this news is some version of 'Wow, that's huge!' and invite the other person, by words or facial expression, to tell you more. Advertisement When people have finished something — a degree program, or a renovation, or a book — we congratulate them. They always had a goal in mind and they achieved it. But when people end something, that's more ambiguous, because the 'something' could go on. The thing itself isn't finished, the person who did it is finished with it. It's a choice, not a predetermined outcome. Advertisement Finishing doesn't require a story — ending does. And any story about ending is going to be complicated and filled with ambivalence. Ending a job, in particular, is multifaceted. There are practical issues about money and time, and personal ones about identity and the passage of time, and public-relations ones about the relationship of the person with their organizational alma mater. So be open to whatever story the person wants to tell, without pressing for specific details. And while not asking 'what's next' — if you have an idea or an offer, throw it out there! Do you have a new part-time gig in mind for your friend? Have you been looking for a travel buddy? Someone to collaborate on a project with? Offer! Even if they say no, it's a lovely feeling to be asked. What's the best advice you've ever been given? Let us know in the comment form below. Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a writer with a PhD in psychology.