7 hours ago
Connection: The Real Reason We Listen
Connection and Community
Hearing is a science; listening is an art.
So goes the opening line to The Third Ear: Reflections on the Art and Science of Listening by Elizabeth Rosner. It so intrigued me that I opened our interview by asking her to explain it: "There's a difference between looking at something and observing something or tasting something and then trying to really figure out the ingredients of what you've just tasted. I think hearing is similar in that there's more going on than just frequency and vibration entering our ears.' [Rosner attributes the concept of the Third Ear to Theodor Reik, a psychoanalyst who was an early student of Sigmund Freud.]Rosner adds that considering listening as an art means it requires "filtering, discernment, [and] questioning. There are all the creative practices you do when you hear sound of a certain kind or memory associated with sound.' The challenge is to 'Think beyond just the limitations of what [hearing and listening] can do.' When that occurs, the two become 'a full-body experience of taking in a sound or a silence for that matter.'
Naturally occurring metaphor
One metaphor—one that is real, too—is a forest. Trees do communicate with one another. Rosner explains, citing the research of forest-ecologist Suzanne Simard, that trees are connected to one another via proximity, of course, but also through their underground root systems, where chemical substances are exchanged. What trees together have is a community, not unlike mammals like dolphins and whales, whose sounds are actually a highly developed language.
There is a wealth of resources on how to listen more effectively, but when you dig more deeply, too often, we look at listening more as a process and less as a connection. The purpose of listening is to connect more fully with others.
Rosner looks at real listening as the ability to be heard and understood. When so much of daily life is compressed into activity after activity, it cannot be easy to make that true connection. When someone truly listens to us, we show them the respect they deserve. "You're going to wait before you respond because you were so fully attentive to me that you weren't just planning what you were going to say in response,' Rosner says. Listening to another is a form of respect that says, 'You have something to say and I will give you the time to say it.'
Building community
Rosner's exploration of hearing and listening is anchored in her upbringing; she is the daughter of Holocaust survivors. Her mother spoke seven languages, and her father three. With their children, they used English, but Rosner recalls a polyphony of languages between her parents and their friends. 'And I think I was looking for connection through sound, and some of that was human language, and some of that was the sound of my dog or the sound of the wind or underwater sounds. And so it was all a part of my discovery of how I belonged in the world, not just the human world, but the wide world.'
Community is built upon a network of people all connected through a system of shared wants and needs as well as shared values and goals. 'We cannot live only for ourselves,' wrote Herman Melville. 'A thousand fibers connect us with our fellow men.' Those fibers – like tree roots are living – and like optical cables – are connected. How we choose to make use of these connections enables us to create communities that matter. And fundamental to the community is listening, not just hearing but surrendering our attention to one another.
Tips for Better Listening
To become a better listener, focus on what the other person is saying. Engage in conversation to put the person at ease.
Conversation is not about scoring points; it is rooted establishing a connection. Listen both for what you hear as well as what you do not hear. Good listeners will draw out the speaker, making it comfortable for them to share their ideas.
And remember the adage: the more you listen, the more you may understand.
Note: Click here to listen to my LinkedIn Live interview with Elizabeth Rosner.
