27-05-2025
Democrats want a liberal Joe Rogan to help them win elections. I'm right here.
I've been told scores of wealthy Democratic donors are eager to identify and recruit a 'liberal Joe Rogan' who will do for their party's candidates what the actual Joe Rogan apparently did for President Donald Trump in the 2024 election.
After giving it 15 seconds of careful thought, and as a devout believer in forced authenticity, I formally accept what I assume is a multimillion-dollar offer and proudly take on the title of 'the left's Joe Rogan.'
Before detailing my plans as America's next great 'progressive influencer/podcaster/talentless middle-aged white guy who somehow became popular,' let me refresh your memory on how we got here.
It's generally believed a big part of Trump's success in his 2024 campaign to retake the White House stemmed from the fact that, as the New York Times recently wrote, "he cultivated an ecosystem of supporters on YouTube, TikTok and podcasts.'
In particular, Trump won over younger male voters by chatting with bro-centric influencers like Rogan and Theo Von.
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Because Democratic strategists tend to be extremely bad at their jobs, they've concluded the party's best path forward is to spend millions of dollars creating a similar left-wing-influencer ecosystem that will allow liberal candidates to 'connect' with 'desirable demographics' in 'authentic' ways that seem 'organic' and not 'created by Democratic strategists.'
Cool.
The Times reported that the Democratic donor network American Bridge plans to launch a company called AND Media. The 'AND' stands for 'Achieve Narrative Dominance,' which certainly sounds better than 'This Will End Badly,' or TWEB Media.
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Based on an AND Media business plan it reviewed, the Times reported: "Hoping to move away from 'the current didactic, hall monitor style of Democratic politics that turns off younger audiences,' AND Media will focus on directly funding influencers and co-producing their content.'
Nothing says 'we can nail the youth vote' quite like the phrase 'didactic, hall monitor style.'
I mean, they could sink millions of dollars into hosting community town halls throughout the country that connect actual Democratic candidates with actual voters to…you know…talk. And they could spend more millions blasting ads on every available platform that show people exactly how unhinged and self-enriching the current administration is, and how it's actively defying court orders while trying to slash Medicare, Medicaid and SNAP benefits and punish educational institutions that don't follow the government's ideology.
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But none of that sounds like something the bros would do, so probably better to spend the money creating a podcast sponsored by 'LibBlast!,' the new progressive energy drink getting chugged by liberal influencers like me.
Which brings us back to me. I'm clearly the perfect pick to become the liberal Joe Rogan.
He's 57, I'm 54, so we both have that 'older dad who's cool' vibe that apparently works in the manosphere.
I am, of course, liberal, so that box comes pre-checked.
Rogan, as host of 'Fear Factor,' made people eat bugs. I once ate a chocolate-covered cricket, so I'd call that about a tie.
And like Rogan, I have few truly redeeming qualities, so why not let me babble in front of a microphone with little concern whether the words I'm uttering offend people or make any sense?
Let's get this started. All insecure men who were born on third base and feel bitter that the world hasn't walked them to home plate yet, please get ready for a fresh, totally organic and extremely rich voice that will make you feel seen.
OK, there's a possibility this won't work exactly as intended. Rogan and other right-wing influencers, it seems, derive their power from pandering to disaffected straight white men angry they have to share power and clout with other men and…gulp…sometimes even women. They're anti-woke, and the left is, inherently, kinda woke.
So if you're looking for the left-wing Joe Rogan, you're going to get a high-profile liberal white dude who's woke, smart, and kind of emo, in a self-assured sort of way. You'd basically be getting MSNBC's Chris Hayes, who already exists and isn't accomplishing what Democratic strategists envision such a figure would accomplish.
So I'm again drawn back to the whole 'maybe we should just spend a ton of money on getting out there and talking to people and being ourselves and clueing folks in to all the very bad things Republicans are doing' idea.
Of course, that probably wouldn't get me my $50 million contract to be the progressive answer to Joe Rogan. But it would save the country from having another random dude spouting off on the internet, pretending he's something more than just a salesman for sports drinks and men's hair growth products.
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This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Democrats want a liberal Joe Rogan to beat MAGA. I'm in. | Opinion
