09-04-2025
Friend's cheating ex moves into neighborhood with new wife
Now they are moving into a house on the street where I live, and where I am friendly with everyone else.
How do I navigate this? I want to remain a steady presence in the children's lives but have nothing to do with the narcissistic household.
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PSEUDO GRANDPARENT
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A.
You can hold the line with the ex-husband. Not every neighbor needs to be your friend. But since you have a relationship with the kids and with their mom, you might talk to your friend about the new arrangement and ask her how you can best be supportive. It will probably be very helpful for the kids to have a place on the block that they know is safe and supportive.
They may not yet be old enough to come visit on their own, so for now your weekly dinners may have to suffice. But continuing this tradition will strengthen the relationship you're building and help them — the kids and your friend — to see you as a crucial support.
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Q.
Our daughter is 46 years old. She has been an addict most of her life, with short periods of sobriety. She is sadly now in a position of no place to live, no job; her children have completely cut her out of their lives. We bought her a car with the promise she would get a job — it hasn't happened.
My heart is broken, but I'm at my wits' end. Sadly, she has an identical twin sister (a successful professional) who is deeply affected by this. Our other children are all successful with jobs and families.
What can/should we do? My husband and I are in our 70s and on a fixed income.
HEARTBROKEN MOM
A.
This is hard for your daughter, for you, and for your entire family; I'm sorry.
A core component of many recovery programs is an admission of powerlessness over addiction. Though painful, it will be helpful for you to admit powerlessness over your daughter's addiction, as well. This doesn't mean you love her any less nor does it mean you won't do whatever you can to help. It does mean you can't take the steps she needs to take to recover. Only she can do that.
Be clear with your daughter that you want to help her, you love her, and you see the struggle she's had most of her life. Guilt and shame are not going to motivate her — not that I think that's a tactic you're employing.
At this point, financial support is not going to help, and it has the potential to put you in dire straits. You may feel fear when setting this boundary for yourself.
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Talk about the feelings that come up with your loved ones, including your children, and in a group like SMART Recovery Family or Al-Anon. Having a robust support system will remind you that you're not alone, your daughter is also not alone, and there are options available to all of you.
Q.
I applaud 'Trying to Move Forward' for recognizing the need to truly forgive an abusive elder.
My father's mother was emotionally abusive to me and a sibling. She never cared enough to acknowledge her mistreatment or its effects. Counseling helped me begin to address my lingering attitude.
I was encouraged to write a letter to her; read it aloud at her grave; and bury it there. It took me a while, but I did do exactly that and managed to release my anger.
I admit it took a number of years and more counseling for me to find socially acceptable wording to use when speaking of her. The habit of calling her what she was, was more difficult to change. Habits influence attitudes. My attitude has definitely improved since I developed the new habit when talking about my father's mother.
Perhaps Trying to Move Forward or another reader will find this idea helpful.
DONE WITH NEGATIVE CYCLES
A.
Thank you for sharing this.
Healing's timetable is rarely what we want it to be, but I'm glad that you put in the work to get yourself to a better place.
R. Eric Thomas can be reached at
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