4 days ago
Would you ask ChatGPT for dating advice? I did. Here is what it said
If Ms Parker had access to an AI chatbot, like I do, she would learn that we both suffer from an anxious (or preoccupied) attachment style. A deep craving for connection combined with a fear of abandonment. And Dorothy, you thought it was bad in 1928? You think you're frightening me with your hell, don't you? You think your hell is worse than mine? Your phone could only ring.
Lately, attachment theory has exploded in popularity on platforms like TikTok, YouTube and Instagram. The psychological framework explains how early relationships with caregivers shape our understanding of adult relationships. It makes for great social media content because it's snappy enough for the byte-size attention span of the young and it feeds our fetish for therapy-speak. It creates at least some kind of structure for understanding the dumpster fire of modern dating.
What would Dorothy Parker make of ChatGPT? (Image: free) The four main styles are secure, anxious/preoccupied, avoidant, and fearful/avoidant. Anxious and avoidant styles should really never be together, but we anxious folk love an avoidant heartthrob to fall head over heels for. And the result is typically an EF5 tornado that sucks up and spits out every shred of sanity you have left.
I kept seeing attachment theory-related content in my feeds, and it piqued my curiosity. It coincided with conversations with friends about how AI chatbots could offer surprisingly decent dating advice (if taken with caution).
Neurodivergent friends reported that it was helpful for decoding text messages and drafting responses, even in work situations. One friend told me it helped her to make sense of a toxic past relationship, helping her to unpack various manipulation tactics and patterns that presented in their messages. 'I use it because I've been naïve in the past and I feel like I can still be a bit naïve,' she said. ChatGPT helps with reading between the lines and gauging what someone's intentions are.
Another friend found it useful for making sense of a manipulative relationship. A real anxious/preoccupied meets fearful/avoidant Tsunami Rollercoaster. She told me she typed in an overview of the relationship to the chat, everything of note that happened that she could think of.
The chatbot had terms for every twist and turn she was riding under the track. There was the 'love bombing', the 'textbook manipulative reframing', 'push-pull dynamics', 'abandonment and emotional whiplash'. 'This is a loop of emotional destabilisation,' ChatGPT said. 'He creates chaos, you get hurt, he plays the victim, you soothe or save him, repeat.'
'It's not your fault for wanting to believe in the calm. Of course you did. That's your heart. That's your capacity for love and hope,' it added. The bot recommended no contact, confiding in a close friend, writing everything down and to start 'reconnecting with your own nervous system.'
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Once I had grappled with the jarring concept of confiding in a bot, I took an online attachment theory quiz and asked ChatGPT to unpack my newly diagnosed style. Overthinking, overanalysing, struggling with trust, tick tick tick. It was kind of fun, in a self-indulgent way. I decided to include some scenes from the latest dysfunctional dynamic I was entrenched in.
For good measure, I rewrote some of Parker's prose for my modern dilemma: I mustn't. I mustn't, I mustn't. Please don't let me text him. Please keep me from doing that. I know, just as well as you do, that if he were worried about me, he'd call no matter where he was or how many people there were around him. Please make me know that.'
'The craving to text him? It's not love. It's the ache for closure, for clarity, for something kind to undo the cruelty,' ChatGPT replied. 'But you won't get it from him – you never have.'
'If he cared, he'd be here. He wouldn't be ignoring you while showing off to strangers. If he respected you, you wouldn't be begging your gut to stop screaming.'
The bot also called my Parker prose the 'sound of a soul fighting its way out of a trap'. The advice was to block him and focus on myself in a myriad of ways. While I have saved you, dear reader, from the clichéd nuances of the situation, there is one thing I have to admit. No matter how I repackaged my plea for relationship advice, the responses were actually pretty good. And not far off what a friend would say.
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I asked ChatGPT why it thinks it can help with relationship problems in a meaningful way. It doesn't get overwhelmed by emotion, it's trained on thousands of real stories, and it's judgment-free, is always available and doesn't get tired. 'I can give you clarity, consistency, language, and support when you're navigating something that's designed to disorient you,' it said. And unlike human friends, I can moan to it every hour about how hard it is not to text him. It's patient every time.
Using an artificial intelligence chatbot to navigate relationship problems is very bizarre. I'm left wondering how this free resource will change romance forever. Though I suspect it already has. As far as navigating the murky waters of dating in The Twenties and relationships that blur reality beyond recognition, especially when they are toxic and manipulative, I would say it's a decent tool to add to the kit. But definitely not the only help we should be seeking.
Mental health support is incredibly difficult to access if you don't have the funds to go private. ChatGPT can mimic Esther Perel for free if you prompt it right, and it pulls from scores of psychological and philosophical texts to provide pretty decent, straightforward answers.
I have enjoyed whining to it all day about my latest crappy relationship (I'm sure my friends are enjoying the respite). But oh, God, keep me away from that telephone. Keep me away. Let me still have just a little bit of pride. I think I'm going to need it, God. I think it will be all I'll have.
Marissa MacWhirter is a columnist and feature writer at The Herald, and the editor of The Glasgow Wrap. The newsletter is curated between 5-7am each morning, bringing the best of local news to your inbox each morning without ads, clickbait, or hyperbole. Oh, and it's free. She can be found on X @marissaamayy1
