4 days ago
The 6 Best Lessons I Learned From Seeing a Dating Coach
At the age of 32, after what felt like a lifetime of suffering at the hands of love, I decided it was time to seek professional help—not from a therapist (I'd been in therapy for years), but from a dating coach. I admit I was hesitant at first; while I trusted that traditional therapy could help with my mental health, I worried using a 'coach' to reinvigorate my dating life would feel cringey or self-indulgent. (I am a skeptical millennial, after all.) But when a colleague brought up the possibility of seeing someone who specialized in love, sex, and dating, I reconsidered the idea. And spoiler alert: My fears were very wrong.
Turns out, a dating coach can help with a range of love and relationship concerns. For me, that meant working to heal my anxious attachment style, develop my self-worth, and ultimately, find a healthy, happy partnership with another person. Your goals might look different—maybe you're struggling with commitment, or keep falling for people who aren't emotionally available—but the beauty of coaching is that it's tailored to you.
That said, not everyone needs or wants one-on-one coaching to start making meaningful changes. Below, I'm sharing six of the most impactful lessons I picked up on my own journey—the ones that made dating feel less miserable, more intentional, and (dare I say it) even kind of enjoyable.
It may sound a little woo-woo, but this really changed the game for me early on. 'Creating your dating mantra is a powerful way to anchor yourself in your values, your worth, and the kind of relationship you're available for,' says dating and relationships coach Vicki Pavitt—who, full disclosure, is also my coach. In fact, devising a mantra was one of the very first tasks Pavitt gave me when we started working together. Together, we landed on: 'I am available for a safe, kind, passionate, and laughter-filled relationship, with somebody who is trustworthy, honest, loyal, and funny.'
Coming up with your own doesn't require a coach—you can easily do it on your own to clarify and commit to your dating goals. Try writing it down and sticking it to your mirror, keeping it in your Notes app, or repeating it to yourself whenever you meet someone new. It could sound like, 'I will only date people who make a clear effort with me from the beginning,' or 'Patience, trust, and loyalty are crucial for me in a relationship, therefore I will never settle for less.'
Before coaching, I knew roughly what kind of person I wanted to meet and how I'd like to feel about myself, but creating a clear statement about what I'm seeking shifted the way I approached dates. If a person did not align with my mantra, they were out. It may sound cut-throat, but it certainly saved a lot of time and potential heartbreak!
Perhaps my favorite piece of 'homework' my coach gave me—and one I think any person on the dating scene would benefit from trying—was compiling two lists: one about dating nonnegotiables, and the other, red flags.
Like with a dating mantra, thinking about what is really important to you (and getting it down on paper) helps to confirm what kind of person you're looking for. It also allows accountability; next time you're dating someone, you can check your list to see if this person 'measures up' (within reason). 'When you're honest about the things you can't compromise on, you stay anchored in your truth and are much more likely to attract a relationship that honors your needs and vision for love,' Pavitt notes.
In case you need some inspiration, my nonnegotiables included finding a person who was looking for a long-term monogamous relationship and who treated me as a priority in their life. I also knew I was searching for someone who honored consent, communication, loyalty, and kindness. My red flags, on the other hand, looked like a person who had a bad temper, was close friends with an ex, and who showed obvious signs of being avoidant.
These days, we all talk about attachment styles as if they're the most integral part of modern dating—and don't get me wrong, they can be super valuable for understanding yourself and your relationship. In fact, the reason I first sought out a coach was to work on my anxious attachment style, which had manifested over the years as constant reassurance seeking, panicking, and self-sabotaging.
But while I've seen results working on those issues—through coping mechanisms recommended in coaching and books such as Jessica Baum's Anxiously Attached—I've also found acceptance to be just as helpful. None of us are perfect, and even with all the self-work in the world, it's natural to slip back into old anxious or avoidant patterns now and then. The real goal isn't to 'fix' your attachment style, then, but to gradually move toward more secure behaviors—without beating yourself up when you don't get it exactly right.
That means you can take it one moment at a time. For instance, the next time you start to spiral because someone you like hasn't replied in a couple of hours, try writing in your journal and listing the ways they've shown interest so far. Small self-soothing exercises like this—rather than immediately reaching for external reassurance—can help you edge closer to secure behavior over time.
It's pretty human to stick to the 'known.' But if you're still single and actively looking for a partner, perhaps it's time to acknowledge that going with what's familiar isn't always the right play. Whether that's a certain type of person, situation, or emotional dynamic, some patterns can feel weirdly comfortable, not because they're healthy, but because they mirror something you've come to expect in relationships. And until you recognize that, it's easy to confuse 'this feels familiar' with 'this must be right.'
For this reason, getting out of your comfort zone can be a very good thing when dating. Before I started working with my coach, I'd become so used to chaos, drama, and 'passion' that I started to associate all of it with love. I chased the elusive 'spark' and found myself drawn to the high highs and low lows of emotionally volatile connections. But I've since realized that immediately feeling intense passion and chemistry with someone doesn't necessarily mean they'll be right for me.
These days, I try to give people more of a chance—usually two or three dates—before making a judgment. It's a small shift, but it's helped me move away from the rollercoaster connections I once chased and toward dynamics that actually support what I want long-term. Whether your own 'familiar' looks like chaos, emotional unavailability, or something else entirely, noticing that pattern is the first step to choosing something better.
It might sound obvious, but for the anxiously attached—or just the chronically overbooked—dating can feel like a complete chore. I'm usually very sociable, but I've lost count of how many times I've nearly bailed on a date because the thought of meeting someone new made me feel physically sick. For some reason, my nervous system struggles to recognize the difference between swimming in shark-infested waters and going on a silly little first date.
Thankfully, Pavitt helped me reframe the experience. 'Dating isn't meant to feel like a job interview,' she tells me. 'It can be a space for connection, self-discovery, and even joy.' With a few small mindset shifts, dating started to feel lighter. Instead of obsessing over whether someone liked me, I started asking myself whether I liked them. Rather than stress about long-term potential, I approached each date with curiosity: What can I learn or enjoy from this experience—whether we're a match or not? Even if it's just discovering a new restaurant you like or going to a movie you've wanted to see for a while, you can find some positive spin on time spent with a mediocre match. Not to mention, even terrible dates have their lessons—like new items to put on your red flag list.
With this approach, I stopped putting so much pressure and emphasis on a single date, which helped me start to just enjoy people's company more. I've even made a few friends and prospective work contacts this way—and found my new favorite Italian in the city!
Going on date after date, week after week to no avail can be exhausting. Trust me, I get it. But the process has taught me it's a numbers game, and to not settle until I find the right number—even if it's a high one! In the meantime, coaching taught me the importance of working on being gentle and kind to myself. In short: Date yourself first—and well—and you'll be less tempted to attach yourself to another who doesn't.
'When we are kind and loving towards ourselves, through the highs and lows of life, we invite others to do the same,' Pavitt says. 'The way we treat ourselves sets the tone for our romantic connections, whether we're dating or in a relationship.' So on top of treating yourself with grace and care, hold yourself to the same standards you would a partner, and prioritize time with yourself where you can enjoy your own company. Strengthening this relationship with yourself means not needing someone and can help you to break free from unhealthy habits like settling for toxicity.
I've worked a lot on self-acceptance and self-love throughout coaching and beyond and feel growth in many ways, making me more ready than ever for a healthy partnership. That said, it's also important to accept that nobody is perfect, nor are they ever 'fully healed.' You don't have to solve everything before finding somebody, and the right person will meet you where you're at. But when you embrace healthier dating habits, the process will be a little less miserable—maybe even kind of enjoyable.
Related:
Having an Avoidant Attachment Style Isn't a Relationship Death Sentence
8 Online Dating Horror Stories From People Who Eventually Found Their Person
How to Take Rejection Way Less Personally
Originally Appeared on Self
